Perception: Your Path to Getting Unstuck

What if you could be done with dramas of misunderstandings?
What if you could make your invisible filters visible?

Perception shapes your entire world, from how happy you are to how much you feel valued to what job you have. That may seem like an extreme, and it’s true. And the thing about perception is that it’s SO EASY to believe that everyone experiences the same world you experience. 

In this week’s podcast Maren and Stephanie break down a few real world examples from their own lives of the challenges that differing perceptions create and then they give practical ways to get unstuck - bother personally and professionally.

If you’ve ever worked hard to create quality time that didn’t turn out as planned and left you unfulfilled, or experienced mishearing someone and getting triggered by what you thought you heard, then you’ll want to put this podcast on repeat!

Today’s podcast won’t only enrich your business, it will enrich your personal lives.

• 00:41 Adulting, self-worth and empathy
• 03:56 What’s that you said?
• 10:47 Healing and guidance come from feeling safe in the unknown
• 13:23 The secret to creating quality time and not missing out
• 18:10 Slowing down to speed up & the real art of manifesting
• 23:50 Game on

“My internal filter heard certain words and didn't hear others because I needed to reinforce the fact that I wasn't quite worthy enough.” ~ Maren Oslac

TRANSCRIPT

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Transcript

Maren Oslac: 0:04

In a world where achievements and accolades motivate us to do more and be more, we're often left wondering, is this really it?

Stephanie Allen: 0:12

Deep inside, you know, there is more to life, you're ready to leave behind the old push your way through and claim the deeper life that's calling you.

Maren Oslac: 0:20

That's where we excel. We're your hosts, Stephanie Allen and Maren Oslac.

Stephanie Allen: 0:26

And this is the soulful leader podcast,

Maren Oslac: 0:29

sit back and relax as we share the shortcuts we've uncovered to help you make shift happen. Welcome to the soulful leader podcast. This is Maren, I'm here with Stephanie. And we're just coming out of the holidays. And there's been a lot on our hearts around perception. And, as it's so interesting, because it seems like we're adults. And we're adulting. And yet, so much of what we do comes from this place, this unhealed place inside of us that's actually, you know, a rebellious teenager or, you know, a child that is really needy. And one of the most interesting thing to me is I've been working with a lot of women in women's groups, and there's this feeling of not, not worthy enough. And as a woman, I have absolutely experienced that. And I can't actually speak to it from a masculine perspective, because I'm not a man. And it does seem like women tend to carry that a little bit more than men do. Or take it personally more what what are your thoughts on that Stephanie?

Stephanie Allen: 2:06

Yeah, you know, I was, I'm reflecting on that. Because the worthiness aspect, sometimes we can be so empathic, meaning we take on everybody else's emotions, and thoughts and beliefs, and it immobilizes us, like, it's wonderful to be to have empathy. But sometimes it can literally short circuit us. And I've heard it said before, and I can relate this with myself, too, it's like, if I'm putting my attention on someone or something else outside of me, then I don't have to take care of me. I don't need to look inside, and take care of those parts that might be hurting or needing or, you know, just even giving me an insight. Because that would require for me to make a change and to be different. So it's much easier for me to be a rescuer. And to be because, you know what, it looks good, doesn't it? It's like, it looks really, it looks. Oh, you know, she's so so empathetic. She's so loving. Look at her giving all those things and volunteering and doing this and doing that. Oh, she's so good. But inside your, your structures of support are like toothpicks. And seriously, and then somebody insults you, or criticizes or doesn't, you know, respond to you and you're freaking shattered. And I'm like, okay, that's ridiculous. This is the way I need to change that internal structure. So I mean, I can speak to it on that. And I have a lot of, like I said, myself included, I have a lot of clients and friends who do take things very deeply to heart. And it's almost like we wear it as a badge. Like, you know, I do so much. I'm such a great person. Why is this happening to me?

Maren Oslac: 3:56

Right? Yeah, in my family we call it the martyr. And boy, oh, boy. Oh, boy, like raise my hand. Yeah, we got the whole martyr thing. Oh, I do so much. And you don't value me, right.

Stephanie Allen: 4:09

Yes, exactly. I had a conversation about volunteering with someone the other day and I said, you know, years ago, and this would be years ago, I always felt like, you know, I'm giving so much and I'm not getting anything back. Dang it. You know, I'm not even getting some appreciation of value for all the hard work I've done in volunteering. And I laugh because it's like, well, that's not really the point of volunteering. Is it? You kind of missed it. You kind of missed the memo on that one.

Maren Oslac: 4:34

Well, I think that's a great conversation for right now. Coming out of the holidays of like, how many of us feel like we gave so much we made meals and we thought about people and we you know did, and then we come out we feel exhausted ourselves and not taken care of? Well, and we haven't want to put that on somebody right. because so, we, this is where we want to put it on somebody else and blame somebody out there blame the circumstances out there, I was so busy and so and so didn't think of me and, you know, I wanted this or whatever it was, and we don't look inside. And when we started, one of the things I said is, you know, the we want so much for ourselves. And we think that we're adults, but that's not an adult way of interacting with ourselves or the world. That's actually our teenager. We're stuck in our teenager.

Stephanie Allen: 5:30

Yeah, so so explaining a teenager, like anyone that has been, of course, or has a teenager, I don't want to, You can't make me. Screw you. Or a resignation, like, why bother? I can't, I can't do anything, right anyway. Yeah, that's often a teenager within you talking. And when I say that, within you, as I think of it as parts of me, you know, I think we've talked about this before in other podcasts, but there's many parts of us that are showing up if you think of the holiday, you know, eating at the table, and everyone has a discussion about something, and everyone seems to have a different opinion, or a different version of the same story. And that's true. I remember someone saying to me once, you know, watch yourself, when you get defensive, it's like, what are you talking about? You're crazy, like, What are you talking about? Like that didn't happen that way? And to catch yourself and say, Well, wait a minute. That's their reality. I don't know. That's from their perspective. And a great answer is like, well, you could be right. That's a good point. I hadn't looked at it that way. I also want to make space, right?

Maren Oslac: 6:38

It does make space. So I have a great story about that just happened between my husband and myself. We went out to breakfast and coming back, we had some leftovers. And so he walked me to the passenger side of the truck and opened the door for me because he's fairly, very gallant like that. And I got in and I was going to take the container of leftovers from him. And he said, seatbelt please. And I was like, a little like, okay am I three? And I didn't say anything. I took the I put my seatbelt on, I took the container, and he closed the door and and he walked around and I said to him as he got in and I said, you know, I don't mind putting myself seatbelt on. I just don't want to be treated like a three year old. Could you you know, say that differently in the future? And he got a little triggered himself. And he said, Well, it was just because I cared. I didn't want to have the leftovers, have you trying to like juggle that while you were trying to put your seatbelt on. He said, I didn't say seatbelt, please. I said, Put your seatbelt on first. So that when I handed you, he goes but don't worry about it. I won't do that again. Like Oops. No, I would like you to be thoughtful of me. And what I heard was because I, I was in a place of not valuing myself.

Stephanie Allen: 8:15

Yeah, the internal, the internal structures, the internal dialogue, yeah, gets mirrored out into the outer world. And what someone actually says is not what you actually hear exactly, because it gets filtered based on your own inner narrative.

Maren Oslac: 8:29

And I had one narrative going on, and he had a different narrative going on. And I heard what he said through my filter. So when we do that, it's like we we don't actually know what people are thinking, even though we think we know what they said. And that was a perfect example. I thought I knew what he said. And it meant one thing to me, and I didn't even hear what he said, because I was in my own stuff.

Stephanie Allen: 8:57

Yeah, like when we talk about not having space or it's being it's too loud. It what we're talking really is, is the internal, there is a space inside ourselves because it's being taken up with a whole bunch, I always think of inside out that that cartoon that Disney does Pixar does. Oh yeah, with the people in the brain. The brain, you know, the angry one, the scared one, the doubting one, you know, that's so true of what goes on and it can be very, a loud party inside of our own psyche. So that we filter out what's really being said. And it's matching the internal dialogue going on.

Maren Oslac: 9:37

Yeah, then I have proof See, he doesn't value me see this, see whatever etc. And then and I will and you know we often we've talked a lot about the reticular activating system on this podcast of there is a part of our brain that literally filters in and out what we need to be aware of because unconscious mind can't keep up with the volume of data. So we take in like 11 billion bytes of information per second. And our conscious mind can only handle 60,000 of those. So there is a filter, and

Stephanie Allen: 10:17

Essentially a protection. Yeah, otherwise, you'd be short circuiting all over the place. Yeah, it's too much right here. So it's like, here's what's on our patterns. Yeah. Right.

Maren Oslac: 10:28

And it was like, because I had that filter in place, it heard certain words and didn't hear others or misinterpreted or whatever, because I needed to, you know, reinforce the fact that I wasn't quite worthy enough. And then I had to defend myself. how lovely,

Stephanie Allen: 10:47

So this is so real, right? Like this is and let it go, like, totally be in the unknown, between two people who love each other, you imagine between two strangers, or between two communities or it like, there's that that is actually your true place of service. You talk about so much interpretation that isn't always the truth of what's really happening. And I think we make up so many stories in our own mind, and project it out there based on our past. And we volunteering, we talk about different things in service, get the characters of the play on the other side to fit into those character roles that we have written for them. And I think there's such a power of being in the unknown. If you woke up every day, and you didn't have this preconceived idea of who you were, and who your partner was, or the people they're going to look in, I always think of one of my teachers used to say to me, before you go into the treatment room, completely forget everything that that you've just read about them all the backstories, like, just let it all go and walk in as if you are meeting this person for the very first time, it's like to be curious to be in wonder and to be okay with the unknown, that you're safe. That that's when there's space, actually, when you can present the unknown, that space, and then things will light up or call you or pull you in a direction that you need to go. We were having I was having a conversation the other day about intuition and guidance. And I said, you know, intuition is based on your past or skills is set, you know, patterns. And intuition really is about a guess, but it's coming from your past. But guidance is actually coming from a place of not knowing place from completely presencing a place you've never been before. There's no reason why you know that, you know, that, you know, there's some part of you that just goes, I just know, I need to do this, or I need to say that, or I need to stop doing this or you just know without any emotion. And that's coming from practicing feeling safe in the unknown. And that is a practice.

Maren Oslac: 13:04

And being present, you know, I mean, that that moment of coming through the holidays, thinking about presence, right? The the ability to be present, it's so interesting, because I just I read something recently, and the gentleman was talking about quality time, and how we, we work so much, and we we plan and we do all this stuff to create a moment where we could go off on vacation and have quality time. And he said like, quality time comes from being a quality person. And I want to explain that because while you think okay, well, I'm a quality person. Instead of thinking about it as far as like, or I guess, thinking about what does it mean to be a quality person? For me personally, quality time comes from being present and aware in any given situation. So I could have quality time washing dishes, I can have quality time, sitting and watching, you know, a child play with blocks or, you know, like, whatever, wherever I am in any given moment is quality time for me. If I bring my presence to it.

Stephanie Allen: 14:30

And, it's reminding me the value of having a mindfulness practice, being mindful and putting in practicing. It's not that it's about right or wrong about it. It's practicing centering your mind and focusing it on something and experiencing it fully. Without naming it without, you know, having your preconceived ideas about it or your past judgments of it. Just letting all that go and just literally dropping in and being like, like I said about, you know, experiencing something as if it was the very first time. You know, whether it's food and you have a dish and you put it in your mouth, it's the first time you've ever had a spoon in your hand and you put the food in your mouth, it's the first time you've ever tasted that food, even if, you know, in your

Maren Oslac: 15:16

Yeah. I think it's a great practice going into this in your story in your mind, you'd be like, Well, I've had this potato for, I've had potatoes, all my life. But what if it was the very first time that you gave yourself that experience? Like, what would it be if I was an alien, I came down and I came into this body and I put this spoon and this potato in my mouth. What would I experience? And just presencing that being mindful. new year of how do I want to be in a new year, a new me, instead of all the outer goals or maybe in addition to, maybe it's not an instead of maybe it's an addition to it just is, like, I think many of us came through the holidays, and are feeling that sense of I made it, but I didn't have like, it wasn't the inner fulfillment, it wasn't the quality time that I worked so hard to create, you know, I bought presents so that we could enjoy it and they got ripped, you know, like the paper got ripped off, and it was next, next next next next, and then it was sugar high. And then then it was crashing, oh, my God. And what happened to the quality time?

Stephanie Allen: 16:42

Well, and we talked about why does time go so fast, right? It's or, or it's so bloody slow, like what's taking so long, we're so impatient. Like, there are two extremes. And it's like, well, how is time related? Well, time is related to your presence, to your consciousness, to your awareness. If your awareness is

Maren Oslac: 16:58

to your awareness, everywhere, so as time it is everywhere, and you're wasting it probably, versus bringing all of your energy in your awareness to this moment, time actually will get rich and slow down, and you'll have more of it. But that's the magic part of it. And a simple practice of slowing down your breathing. And just being present to your breath. Even when you're in rush hour traffic, or there just seems to be, you know, your desk is overloaded with papers, and you're like, how am I ever going to get all this done, or I'm going to pay all these bills or just to stop the narrative that's going on internally, and focusing on the breath helps to create the space and slows everything down. So that time expands and then you can be in choice rather than in reaction. And it's so interesting, because from a business perspective, you know, we hear that from our spiritual coaches. And we, Stephanie and I had a some the same business coach for, you know, probably 12 years. And that's one of the things he always said is slow down to speed up.

Stephanie Allen: 18:12

Yeah, sounds counterintuitive. Right? Yeah.

Maren Oslac: 18:16

And it's true. So it's not just a, okay, it's a mindful thing. So that's my spiritual practice. And I set it aside and I do it in the morning, or I do it in the evening. It's actually a business practice that will enrich your business, it will enrich your personal lives, it's like it's a something to start practicing on a regular basis in those little between times when you have five minutes, or there's a commercial going on, or you are stuck in traffic, or you have a pile full. I loved that image. Because we've all had that pile full of desk, desk full of piles, whatever. And wondered, like, how am I going to get all this done? I just need to dive in and go go, go, go go. Instead of taking me like, Okay, I need to actually take a minute and just deepen and refine my breathing and go forward.

Stephanie Allen: 19:08

And I know when I first heard about slowing down to speed up, I kept thinking it was a physical thing. Like I need to go slower. talk slower. But really, it's the internal

Maren Oslac: 19:20

And that would be hard for you.

Stephanie Allen: 19:23

Yeah, right. Exactly. So it's like but it's the internal stuff. It's like slowing my thoughts down, slowing my internal visual, going all over the place. slow that down. You know, I was reflecting on a meditation the other day about when things have come to me. It's because they found me not because I went out and searched for them. And what I mean I can give you numerous examples of like when I've anytime I've ever tried to make something happen, goal setting, new year's resolution, I try to make some thing out. Now, it doesn't mean that I'm not taking action. But when I'm taking an outer action in the world like setting, how do you make God laugh, right? You meet, you make plans. And you know, in other words, what it's really to me, is saying, is like, how do you make God laugh is like, you basically tell God, this is what I'm going to do. And you ask God to show up to you. And it's like, wow, that's kind of egotistical.

Maren Oslac: 20:21

So you're not in a conversation,

Stephanie Allen: 20:22

You're not in a conversation. You're like, Oh, my God, you know,

Maren Oslac: 20:26

it's my way or the highway.

Stephanie Allen: 20:28

Yeah, God, because guess what? The spiritual drive thru, right? And you're like, oh, I'll have two burgers and fries and a large coke, thanks. And that's kind of what we're, we think we're doing we're telling the universe what we want. But, you know, the universe is not our slave. And we're not their slave, either. We're not the universal slave, either. It's, it's a dance, it's a relationship. It's a marriage. And, you know, like a partner, it works out better if you're kind of asking your partner. So what do you think about this? Or what do you feel about that? Or what do you want, and then it's returned, it's reciprocated. And then you go, Okay, what wants to happen that we can maybe create something even better together than we can on our own. And that's a totally different paradigm. So when I say I, the things that have happened in showing up for me in my life, actually found me. I had to be in a practice where I was present, and mindful and still inside, to actually pay attention to what was coming in.

Maren Oslac: 21:28

So I'm going to use the example of my husband and my conversation. So if we can be that far apart in our understanding of what the other person is saying, having been married for X number of years, loving each other, and speaking, the same language, English, right? And now we're in this conversation with the universe. And we're not sure how the universe is speaking to us. And we think we know but we're not entirely sure. Having that practice of going in, and getting quiet, and really diving in and being like, you know, what, I do want to be in this conversation. It's not one way. It's not I want to order this. And it either shows up the way I expect it to, or I'm a bad person, or the, god doesn't exist, or you know, all the stories we tell ourselves. What if there's so much more going on? Just like with my conversation with my husband? What if there's so much more going on? And I, the, the answer is to get curious and to be present?

Stephanie Allen: 22:42

Yeah, and practice. You know, we talked about the bird of humanity, many times that, you know, we've one wing is flapping all the time, we don't get lift off, and we go around in circles and we crash, right? It's only until both wings are working in harmony with each other, is when we actually can get gentle lift off, we can change directions easily, we can soar and we can rest and we can play. And that's really what our life's work is about is about playing. And purpose. You know, it's like they're both it's it's the inner and the outer, that are merging together. It's the right hand and the left hand that's working together. But we tend to be so one sided dominant. And when I say that, I mean, we are so conditioned to be doers, and fixers, and forcing something to happen, like where there's a will, there's a way, dang, and it'll happen. And I had a an incident of meeting just a wonderful person the other day, who was just moved to my town, and she's trying to get things set up for her business. And it's she's struggling, you know, there was some things that were opposition's. And she was just like, head down, butt up, I'm gonna make this happen. And I was remembering, she said, Well, you know, you moved here many years ago, and how did you get started? And I said, Well, that's an interesting story. Because when I first moved home, I wasn't recognized for my profession. There was not a whole lot of people doing what I was doing. And the association that I belong to out west was much older than the association that is here in the East. And they didn't have any precedents. The, my current Association here in the East didn't have any precedents about what how to accept new people. And so they I was like, I baffled them. They don't like I'm, we don't, you don't fit in the box. We don't know where to put you and, and I said, well, is there a test or an exam I could take? No, we don't have that. And you don't have the criteria or the credentials to be able to fit into our little box here. And I'm like, well, no, because I'm older than that. And I've got a lot more experience and, you know, it predates that current paradigm. And so I let it go. I'm like, you know, what, if, you know, I guess I could say if there's a will there's a way or whatever, but it's like, I'm, I'm not going to force it. I'm just going to literally love what I do and do what I love. And I gave it a new name. I just invented a name and called myself that and is actually was a really great idea to do. And lo and behold, a few weeks later, setting up business. I had one of the board members of the association come and had a session with me. They're like, why aren't you with our association? I said, Because you have silly rules. And you you, I don't fit in those rules. Oh, we have to change that. And next thing, you know, that client actually went to bat for me, and made things happen and work behind the scenes and change policies. And I'm like, I didn't do anything. But that client found me I didn't go out looking. And I've said this with clients who are trying to get pregnant. And I'm like, God, stop trying to search for the baby, the right time, the right moment, the right you know, if you're anxious, it's too anxious. I'm like, go have fun with each other, do all the things you'll never be able to do once you have kids. Because once you have kids, like it's game over, you got 20 years now commitment, you're not going to be able to those things. So go have fun, be free, be, be happy, be wonderful. And I always joke because I said I've gotten more people pregnant with literally with those ideas when they've let go of the figuring forcing and figuring, you know, making trying to make shit happen, and said, Okay, I'm willing to show up to the game. What does spirit want for me? What does the conversation of life want from me? And can we play with this together? Because hey, you know, I'd like to have this, but maybe you have another plan for me. And I'm willing to accept that. I'm willing to accept that mission, you know, game on. And that takes practice, it takes practice, it takes a community actually to, you know, otherwise, you'll just siffel into that, you know, siphoned into that I should have, could have, would have, ought to, or doubts and fears, and you'll beat yourself up. So to have somebody with you on that, to be able to reflect, or to be able, I call it the rumble line. You know, it's like to be able to keep you centered instead of when you are driving on the road, and you hit that rumble line. And br br br, that's pain. You know, if you have, if you didn't have that rumble line on on the road, you're next, you know, you're in the ditch. So it's like to have somebody who can gently help keep you centered, or a lots of people who can help keep you centered, who are aligned with that. It's so key. So, coming back to what we started in the beginning of like, you know, when someone says something to you, and you completely hear it differently, I think we do that with it with the universe, we, we tell the universe, hey, this is what I want. And we hear it differently. And because we have that internal noise going on, we haven't we don't have the space or the filter, to actually be in relationship to what the bigger story might be. And so to be able to slow down and, because it's not just, you know, with an another person, it's with yourself. And it's with a, you know, the one who sent you here.

Maren Oslac: 28:01

Yeah. And that truly is when we become spiritual adults. When we can let go of those old stories and the either you know, the teenage fuck you or fuck me? Yeah, like, I'm so screwed. Or you're so screwed.

Stephanie Allen: 28:22

Because I think we do that with the universe. We go, Fuck you universe, or I'm screwed. I'm going to hell in a handbasket. And we do that instead of opening up to a conversation of what might be possible and letting those judgments, letting that teenager, you know, soothing that teenager, because that teenager has a lot of lifeforce within us. But to say hold on, just you know, cool your jets. I know you're upset, I know you're worried, I know you're anxious. But let's just hold space for what wants to happen. Because we don't know the bigger picture what might happen. Just like you didn't know, the bigger picture of where your husband was coming from, to be able to tell you to put on your seatbelt. You know, we don't dive deeper to ask another question. Or to help to seek to understand, we just go from our ego saying, you know, it's either this or it's that. Yeah, right. Or it's wrong.

Maren Oslac: 29:17

He thought that I didn't know to put on my seatbelt, not that he was actually thinking ahead of gosh, she's gonna have to juggle this thing in order to put on her seatbelt. I'll hold on to it and tell her to, Yeah, a reminder, just put on your seatbelt first, and then I'll hand you this. So there's a caring instead of judgment, whereas I took it as

Stephanie Allen: 29:37

or defending Yeah, right.

Maren Oslac: 29:39

Right. So going into this new year. There's so much richness if we can stop and I know it's not always easy and it is about becoming a spiritual adult of stop and just drop in or like say, You know what, I realized that there's a judgment running here. And maybe maybe something else is going on? Do I have the space to just say, what could it be? Or at least acknowledging that, hey, you know what, maybe something else is going on here. And I'm just not seeing the big picture, whether it's with another person, with yourself with the universe, you know, something showing up in your life. Yeah,

Stephanie Allen: 30:25

secure yourself inside to a loving presence. Instead of a disharmony or a fight against or fighting, you know, with something, it's like and let that go.

Maren Oslac: 30:37

I'm going to invite our listeners to contact us about that, because that is a journey that Stephanie and I are absolutely committed to for ourselves and for all the people who are who are in our universe, in our, in our circle of people, and if you're listening, you're one of those people. So if you're struggling with that, of how do I, how do I know that I live in a friendly universe and really secure myself there so that I can feel safe in the unknown? Reach out to us, that's what we do. That's who we are. And that's what we're about. We want everyone to live in that universe with us. Thanks so much for listening today. We would love to hear from you, as I mentioned and or see you on our Facebook group or our LinkedIn group. Remember, you can also find us on YouTube. All of those are the soulful leader. And we will be back with you all next week on the soulful leader podcast.

Stephanie Allen: 31:49

And that wraps up another episode of the soulful leader Podcast with your hosts, Stephanie Allen,

Maren Oslac: 31:55

and Maren Oslac. Thank you for listening. If you'd like to dive deeper, head over to our website at thesoulfulleaderpodcast.com.

Stephanie Allen: 32:06

Until next time,