The Magic of Integral Goal Setting

Goal setting is top of mind for everyone right now.
Are you inspired or a bit jaded?
What if you could do it differently?

Integrating (verb): To make into a whole by bringing all parts together; unify.

Goals have traditionally been about achieving something 'out there'", something separate from us. The catch is that whatever we're seeking 'out there', is also inside us. That's a foreign concept and most often the things we seek seem very separate from us. The people who integrate, or unify, those distinct parts, are the ones who experience magic in their lives.

How do we make that shift?

That is the journey we go on with Stephanie and Maren in this week’s podcast.

The old way of “that's my goal. I have to achieve it. Run over everything and make it happen at all costs (including to yourself and others)”, is done.

Instead integral goal setting goes broader and deeper, getting into the meaning behind the goal to create transformation. What if pursuing, and achieving, our goals was meant to do more than get us a pat on the back? What if goals were meant to develop us, evolve who we will become?

“We're taught that the goal is there to achieve it. Yeah, not that it's, it's to evolve who we are.” - Maren

That is true wealth.

• 00:42 what is integral and why apply it to goal setting?
• 03:20 more than inclusivity
• 08:39 how conflict and drama can support your goals
• 10:01 the integral version of goal setting
• 13:15 what changes in you

“You cannot stay who you are now, to be able to step into who you want to become.” - Stephanie Allen

LINKS

16:42 Ep 75 Slow Learners - the Secret to Mastery

16:59 Ep 110 Redefining Resiliency

18:42 Ep 86 Your Inner Pharmacy

TRANSCRIPT

Watch on YouTube

Please share your insights and questions in one of our Soulful Leaders groups:

Facebook Group

LinkedIn Group

Get all the latest episodes, news and updates directly to your inbox. Subscribe here. TheSoulfulLeaderPodcast.com

Watch the podcasts on our YouTube Channel: @Soulful Leaders

Transcript

Maren Oslac: 0:04

In a world where achievements and accolades motivate us to do more and be more, we're often left wondering, is this really it?

Stephanie Allen: 0:12

deep inside, you know, there is more to life, you're ready to leave behind the old push your way through and claim the deeper life that's calling you. That's where we excel. We're your hosts, Stephanie Allen,

Maren Oslac: 0:25

and Maren Oslac.

Stephanie Allen: 0:26

And this is the soulful leader podcast,

Maren Oslac: 0:29

sit back and relax as we share the shortcuts we've uncovered to help you make shift happen. Welcome back to the soulful leader, podcast and Happy New Year, we are so excited to be here with you on this, really second day of this, this new year of ours, 2024. Stephanie and I were thinking about goal setting, as I'm sure that many, many people are out there thinking right now, goal setting and making a plan for 2024. And we look at it a little bit differently than most people do from I want to say a higher perspective. And it's just it's a different perspective. It's a more encompassing perspective. So Stephanie, when I, I'm going to use a couple of words, I'm going to say, an integral perspective. And when I say looking at goal setting from an integral, that's easy for me to say, right, an integral perspective, what comes to mind for you? How would you explain that?

Stephanie Allen: 1:44

Well, first of all, the word like integral is like, in inside yourself, it's like you've made it part of you. And so whatever it is that you're seeking outside is also inside of you. But they can sometimes seem very, very separate. So when we can become connected, or we can integrate it, that word has always, you know, baffled me too, for many years is like, what does integration mean? We talked about work life balance, and you know, I am one person when I go to work, and I'm a different person when I come home. And that's not integrated. No, that's very separate. It's very binary, you know, you're different with different people,

Maren Oslac: 2:26

or it's a temporary, yeah, for me, that type of thing is it's a temporary solution for a problem, and it's not long term, it it creates its own problems. So like you said, it's separation, instead of integration. Yeah.

Stephanie Allen: 2:41

And, you know, when we're talking to different people out in the world, you know, you may find that there's some people that you just feel, Oh, my God, what universe Do you live in? like, we're just not even coming on the same level. And when you can be in an integral relationship, you can then have space to see where that person is coming from, instead of making them right or wrong, or good or bad. You're like, well, I can understand why you see your think or feel that way. Because I'm standing in your shoes.

Maren Oslac: 3:12

So it's, it's beyond judgment. It's also beyond acceptance. Oh,

Stephanie Allen: 3:20

Oh absolutely. Because I think there's a lot of that, like, you know, we're trying to be inclusive right now with everything. And in doing so, you know, we're not honoring the uniqueness or the differentiations, between individuals, because that's important too. And I call it this integral would be like the both and it's like, you know, we are both alike. And we're also unique in our own ways, and there's space for both of those to happen. And we can understand through different, you know, shifting over to see someone's perspective, so that you can find a new place to integrate, or to make whole a whole new relationship. We see this a lot of times in couples, you know, one couples says, I want this, you know, and the other person says, Well, I don't want that I want I want something different over here. And, and we battle it out between who's right or who's wrong. And the one who's the most rigid tends to take on the control because they're the most rigid. And so the person who's the most flexible ends up kind of cowering, going, Okay, fine. I'd rather just keep the peace and I'll go along with you. But that's not integral, that's not transcending and including both of our uniqueness and our differences and bringing it into a whole new world. So that to me, that's what be integral.

Maren Oslac: 4:35

And so when we think about that, I love your analogy there because that perfect for going into a goal setting and planning our new year. Oftentimes what I found for myself when I'm not coming from that integral place, and I'm actually coming from, I think that like a flatland place of that's my goal I have to achieve it. All stops, all pull Oh, you know, like you'd like to say head down, butt up, go go,

Stephanie Allen: 5:02

I'm gonna say that yeah, just run over everything. Plow through it make it happen at all costs

Maren Oslac: 5:08

Right

Stephanie Allen: 5:08

including to yourself and to others,

Maren Oslac: 5:10

and there will be a cost. And so the integral, looking at that from that next space of when you're talking about when you're in a relationship, instead of the command and control version, getting to a higher place where maybe it's not A or B, there's some sort of a, let, instead of a compromise between the two, there's a place that integrates both of those, and then there can be more that comes out of it. That takes

Stephanie Allen: 5:46

And that's the unknown. That's holding space for the unknown for what wants to happen, but you don't just hold space for it, you actually have to stay present to it as well. So you actually have to plan to stay present to that space, and have a practice of coming together. So when you know whether this is in relationship in the way of a romantic relationship, or, you know, a parent child relationship or work relationship, it's like, you know, you might have certain goals or ideals that you want to have happen, and you're kind of like, head down, but up, keep going. And the team or the person you're in relationship with has a completely different view. And we tend to, like I said, we tend to try to make the other person wrong, so that we can be right, because then we feel safe. And that just creates separation versus saying, Okay, I know I want this, you want that. This is why I think this is really important too, is to ask yourself, why do I want that goal, and ask the person you're in relationship with why they're choosing to do that, that's helps you see from their perspective. Because they may be seeing a blind spot that you, that's why it's called a blind spot, right? They're seeing an area within you that you don't see. or something, you know, you're being able to discover a different a different perspective. And then being able to say, okay, maybe my ego and your ego, because that's really what comes from my ego, and you're really attached in the way this is going to be, can we hold space for what wants to happen. So I surrender my personal figuring it, fixing it, forcing it to happen. And I'm asking the other person to also surrender, their fixing, forcing and figuring it, and that we stay together in the conversation, which is, by the way, conflict, this is called conflict, we stay together in the conversation to hold space for what wants to manifest what wants to happen. And often, you know, what we end up doing is we create drama, you know, this is what happens drama, and then it dissipates, and it pushes everything away. And even the good things in our life, it pushes it away, instead of becoming more integral is like connecting with something, like trying to understand something coming together. And, you know, I being in Canada, you know, we tend to say sorry, a lot, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Because we just want to keep the peace, it's okay, you know, we tend to try to be overly flexible. And and what happens is that many different populations, we're trying to include everybody, but nobody's getting included, including ourselves. And there's another next level to go up onto that. And that takes letting go of the current one that we're on and that, that that's moving into the unknown. And that can be really scary. It's always scary. It's always scary when we've gone to a place that we haven't been there before, because we don't know what to expect.

Maren Oslac: 8:39

So I want to go back to when you were talking about conflict and drama, and apply that to goal setting. And I know that sounds strange,

Stephanie Allen: 8:48

that's perfect.

Maren Oslac: 8:49

But I think that that's really the flatland version of goal setting. Being that I have a goal. I'm going after it, head down, butt up, all, you know, it's like, what's going to happen is when we set a goal or have an intention, everything that's not that is going to come up and get in our There's your conflict. And then each of those way.

Stephanie Allen: 9:10

100% Anything you say yes to all the nos of barriers to your goal becomes a conflict and a drama. And our why you shouldn't or couldn't or wouldn't have it are going to come up that there's your conflict right there. traditional way is pushed through it, muscle through it, you know, go go go, oh, use it, pull up your big girl panties. You know, you suck it up buttercup, like we have all these things that we tell ourselves to and it's not about running away and sticking your whole, your head in a hole somewhere or going into your little your little cubby hole or something like that. It's it's how do I stay present to the uncomfortability without dramatizing it? That's the key. And this is just holding presence, right.

Maren Oslac: 10:01

So this is where the integral version, for me, of goal setting comes into place. Because I loved what you said is it's not about it, there tends to be this, I either go full out, all in, or I go, it's just gonna happen or it's not gonna happen. I don't know.

Stephanie Allen: 10:21

Yeah exactly.

Maren Oslac: 10:24

So, again, it's not an either or it's kind of this both and place, and how do we integrate those two, so that we can hold space, create an intention and hold a goal and also, hold that space? I love you said it so beautifully earlier of holding the space for the conflict, you called it conversation, which is a beautiful word for it, because it is when we, when we are in conflict, either within ourselves, or with another being there is a conversation that's happening, and how do we want to be in that conversation? Is it an I'm right, you're wrong, or you're right, I'm wrong. Or is it a, Uh huh, let's stay present and see what wants to happen.

Stephanie Allen: 11:11

I think this is a real key thing, because it takes both parties, both individuals to stay present, and letting go of who's right and who's wrong, what's good, and what's bad, you have to let that go. And just say, and, and to remind yourself that this is the inner narrative part of like, you always have to be the one that you know, cowers to their responses, or I always have to be the one that does all the planning, or I always have to be, you know, when, you know, we kind of get really tight and want to fight, or we go back and we just, you know, you know, we just warming up, or we get frozen, we get frozen with fear of like, I don't know what to do. And I'm, I'm, immobilized. And if we can transcend all three of those. And there's other forms of that, of course, too. But it's like if we can transcend all of those and just say, what, what needs to happen so that we can stay present together. With this, you know, you both have to be willing, or the two parties have got to stay willing to say I'm willing to let go of my ego, I'm willing to let go of my identity. Because I know there's something that wants to happen, but it's not going to happen if I don't pay attention. If I just distract myself and go over here and do something else, it's I'm not putting my attention on the intention to grow and evolve and find a new possibility that actually may completely transform me. And when I look back, I'll be like, hell yes, that was the best thing that ever happened. Because that's what conflict does. Conflict, and whether we look at that in the way in the outer world, between relationships, or within ourselves in the way of health, I call it the healing crisis,

Maren Oslac: 12:49

or between you and your goal,

Stephanie Allen: 12:51

exactly, or between you and you, or no matter what it is, you know, whether we call it a healing crisis, because what's happening is transformation is happening. In order for you to reach that new state of goal that you've set for yourself, you cannot stay who you are. And I'll say that again. Because I can get really attached to being who I am, in order for you to achieve, we'll use that word, or to reach that that ideal state, there's going to be a lot of things that are going to have to change inside yourself. So you cannot stay who you are now, to be able to step into who you want to become, you have to let it go. And that's going to be the conflict to get Yeah,

Maren Oslac: 13:38

I love that. And you know, that ideal state, whether it's an ideal state, within a relationship, whether it's an ideal state of moving up in a company, whether it's an ideal state of healing, I want to be more healthy, whatever that ideal state is. It cannot, you can't stay the same person and achieve that, that ideal state, is so true. And there will be conflict in that process. And our traditional way of goal setting is, like I said, to plow through that, instead of being present to it. And so I just heard this the other day, and I absolutely loved it, where a gentleman was talking about looking at goals differently. And instead of looking at the goal for what he would then achieve out there, like being able to pat himself on the back of I ran the marathon or whatever it was, I achieved the next level in my business, etc. It was what is it going, by having this outer goal, what will that develop and change in me? And this is speaking to what you're just saying of? That's the inner development. That's why there are goals in the first place which were not taught we're taught that the goal is there to achieve it. Yeah, not that it's, it's to evolve who we are. And so having that presence of Oh, the whole point of it, the integral version of the whole point of a goal is, who am I going to become? Exactly. Yeah.

Stephanie Allen: 15:19

Because otherwise we end up achieving the goal and going, Why do I feel so empty? Why do I

Maren Oslac: 15:24

Next

Stephanie Allen: 15:25

yeah, next, now what? Well, I guess I checked that box. And it's so unfulfilling.

Maren Oslac: 15:31

It is

Stephanie Allen: 15:31

but if I said to any of you who are listening, or to you, Maren, like, who you were 10 years ago? Are you the same person then that you are now? Like, I really hope not, right? I mean, I could see that for myself, even three months ago, I am different. And we've kind of taken this whole movement of personal growth and self development, and we've applied it to the achievements thing, instead of looking at the inner sanctuary, the internal narrative, like I, 10 years ago, I did not have the space inside my heart or my awareness to know who I am or what now if you talk to me 10 years ago, it's Oh, yes, I know who I am. I know what I want. You know, I yeah, whatever. But it's evolved, it's changed. Like, I wouldn't even recognize the self I have become now. I really wouldn't have. And it's a good thing. Like, I mean, it happens slowly, gradually. And my gosh, it's painful when we think we have a goal and, it's painful that it goes slow. But that's actually the remedy is because when you go slow, and you go deep, and we've done podcasts on that, but the you know, the benefits of being a slow learner is like how it myelinated our brain totally different, it rewires us, so that we actually create a very gentle way of moving into a whole new state of being and then it's lasting. It doesn't, it, We talked about resiliency, you know, the ability to bounce back, I don't necessarily see resiliency as that, to me. Yeah, we've talked about that, too, is um, to me, resiliency is really not about adapting, but about evolving, so that you become the being that wouldn't even be shaken by that. You'd have space in your heart and love for yourself, and love for whatever's going on. It's a completely different space. Yeah.

Maren Oslac: 17:29

So as we move into this 2024, and we have, you know, a blank slate in front of us, one of the things that I would encourage everyone to do is to take a look at your goals from a development perspective of what will this develop in me. And notice, the space that that creates around the goal itself, and the compassion that it creates in that that need, and that push to make it happen. When you look at it from that bigger perspective of, there's more to this than just achieving X, Y or Z. It's about developing me. And now it's this much richer and much more exciting, at least for me, it just makes it much more fulfilling. And that's a great word and let you used that word

Stephanie Allen: 18:32

and joyful and joyful. Like when we talk about conflict, it doesn't have to be dramatic. And the difference being is drama is literally like we've talked about this one too about really eliciting those inner drugs inside yourself. So that you get a high instead of conflict, is being still, being stationary, being present to the uncomfortability without fixing forcing or changing it. Being with what is and being with another, maybe another group of people or another person or another, you know, whatever system or whatever that is also willing to be present with you because that's going to create what they would call alchemy, which is changing lead into gold. And that is the transformation. And that's what we're talking about integral is the transformational, and the integration of both and

Maren Oslac: 19:22

love that. So 2024 is going to be our alchemical year. Very nice. I love it. So don't forget that I will link all of the podcasts that we mentioned today and anything else in our show notes so you can head over there and get that so you don't have to take notes on that. And you can find us on LinkedIn and on Facebook under the soulful leaders and also on YouTube if you wanted to watch us while we're talking to you. And we will continue with you next week on the soulful leader podcast. Thanks for joining us

Stephanie Allen: 20:08

And that wraps up another episode of the soulful leader podcast with your hosts, Stephanie Allen

Maren Oslac: 20:14

and Maren Oslac. Thank you for listening. If you'd like to dive deeper, head over to our website at the soulful leader podcast.com.

Stephanie Allen: 20:25

Until next time