Beyond Resolutions: Breaking the Blame-Shame Game

This time of year feels like a fresh start, a reset, an opportunity to recreate ourselves, and then we hit a wall, make a mistake or get side swiped by life and everything slows down (or comes to a screeching halt). We start doubting ourselves, shaming ourselves and blaming ourselves, our situations and others.,

As with all things, there is another option. It’s just we’re so convinced that we’re alone in our ‘I didn’t so what I said I’d do’ narrative that we stay stuck, we get paralyzed and go back to the habits we know, resolutions and goals can wait until next year.

Did you know that not shaming and not blaming is an actual practice? 

This toxic, hidden subject is what Stephanie and Maren bring into the open on today’s podcast. They talk bluntly about how internalizing blame and shame starts a downward spiral, how leadership starts by ending the shame cycle in oneself and how each of us can shift our own narrative to become better instead of bitter.

Some of the highlights of today’s episode are the wonderful Sufi teaching story, leadership lessons from the show The Bear and the questions about living in a friendly or unfriendly universe.

Please join TSLP on social media and let us know what stood out to YOU from today’s podcast! 

• 00:41 Setting up 2024, what happens when we make a mistake?
• 05:56 Who are you when no one is looking? Sufi teaching story
• 09:08 Shame in your business
• 12:30 Friendly or unfriendly universe
• 14:55 It’s a practice to feel that you are supported. The Bear example
• 17:31 If you’re really sorry myth
• 19:18 You can't do it for another unless you're doing it for yourself: s.h.a.m.e

LINKS

02:06 John Bradshaw Healing the Shame that Binds You

15:15 The Bear on Hulu (USA), Disney + (Canada)

Links may be affiliate links where TSLP earns a small commision

TRANSCRIPT

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Transcript

Maren Oslac: 0:04

In a world where achievements and accolades motivate us to do more and be more, we're often left wondering, is this really it?

Stephanie Allen: 0:12

deep inside, you know, there is more to life, you're ready to leave behind the old push your way through, and claim the deeper life that's calling you. That's where we excel. We're your hosts, Stephanie Allen,

Maren Oslac: 0:25

and Maren Oslac.

Stephanie Allen: 0:26

And this is the soulful leader podcast,

Maren Oslac: 0:29

Sit back and relax as we share the shortcuts we've uncovered to help you make shift happen.

Stephanie Allen: 0:41

Welcome to the soulful leader, podcast, and happy 2024 I know we're just coming into a new year, it kind of feels like a new beginning, in many ways I feel the whole month of January, sometimes it's kind of a way to reset, and, recreate ourselves. And there's a great wave of possibilities. So even if you don't believe in setting new year's resolutions or goal setting or planning, there is something about renewing, kind of renewing your commitment to yourself to others. And I was recently reflecting that, both Maren and I were, around, you know, what happens when we make mistakes, you know, when we don't really reach the goal that we want? Or, you know, how are we with ourselves? And how are we with each other. And this theme of our call today or our podcast today is blame and shame.

Maren Oslac: 1:43

You know, I love that, especially as we're, you know, mid January. And this is about the time that people start to feel that, that shame of oh, I set a new year's resolution and I didn't even last two weeks or three weeks or whatever.

Stephanie Allen: 2:02

I've already fell off the bandwagon. There's an interesting article I was

Maren Oslac: 2:04

Right. I said I was going to eat what such and such reading, John Bradshaw, was around healing the shame that I said I was going to read so many books I said I was going binds you. And he talks about the seven rules that are, that will maintain shame. And now I kind of want to take each one of to, you know, whatever the, I said I was going to, and the momentum is starting to lag. And we we do we get into either a blame or shame game of I didn't do it well enough. I'm not good enough, I'm like, all the inner chatter. Or, well, it's because them because I think there's a more beautiful way of looking at this person did that or because that situation happened or all of the things. So this is a perfect conversation. For right now. In our lives. these two and, and to be honest with you, it's like the, it's a great way to really recognize the patterns in your life, so that we can find a new way of kindness and gentleness with ourselves that will make space for us to give the energy to actually make the change happen. Right. So what I'm hearing is like, we we set the new year's resolutions, we set our goals to achieve a thing and we get disappointed with ourselves because we didn't get towards that thing. And yet, it's really about the change that happens in us.

Stephanie Allen: 3:38

Isn't it though? Which we don't we're not told to really we're not we're not we keep looking at the outer manifestation of something it's like well you still hadn't, your still, you're still not successful Stephanie like you still haven't you know lost the weight or you still haven't achieved this kind of excellence or, and we forget to look inside to say well wait a minute, am I the same as I was last year at this time? You know, have I had some sort of evolution have I had some sort of insight and awareness? And I really hope we all can look at that to say Yeah, actually I have changed. Well then you then you are growing you are doing enough. You're doing great.

Maren Oslac: 4:15

And one of the things I noticed is that

Stephanie Allen: 4:15

It thwarts the evolution oftentimes for myself when I listen to the shame voice or I

Maren Oslac: 4:23

it does blame outside myself I don't get that growth. That I am the same, right.

Stephanie Allen: 4:31

it thwarts the growth

Maren Oslac: 4:33

because then I'm like I get into this rebellion around the goal. Well fuck that I didn't even want to do it anyway. Or the resignation of like, oh, I can't poor me, we've talked about that with the rebellious you know, the teenager inside of us and and then I end up in that mode. And I haven't grown because I'm still the rebellious teenager or you know, in that in that old way of doing things, so when you're talking about that there is a higher way, what it gives us is not just a way to then get back, so I guess, get back on the bandwagon, quote, unquote, of like getting back into our flow towards whatever goal we had. Maybe it's not about that maybe it's about realizing that there was something deeper right, behind that goal that I really wanted, which was my internal change. And that's what it makes space for is that, that that's right, internal, like, I can be a different person, and then that person can more easily maybe attain that goal.

Stephanie Allen: 5:39

But we can even ask, like, who is looking at that? Like, when I say who, you can say, well, I'm looking at it Stephanie, what are you talking about? Like, you know, what do you mean? But it's like, if we can have an awareness of like, why, I said, you know, there's an old saying of like, Who are you when no one's looking? You know, how do you act? How do you behave? What do you say to yourself? How do you treat yourself? What actions are you taking or not taking? and that there's a wonderful little Sufi tale that I that I read some times in my yin yoga, and it talks about a great master that comes in, and he's basically saying to His disciples, his group of those students that he's teaching, like, look, I'm having a real hard time, I haven't got a lot of money, I haven't a lot of food to eat, and I really am asking for your help. Will you go out and steal, you know, steal from the neighborhoods and the neighbors and steal me money steal me

Maren Oslac: 6:39

And one of the most interesting things for me about food? And you know, I'm a good teacher. So you should do this for me. You know, and everyone in his disciples, were kind of saying, Oh, yes, yes. We'll we'll help you. Yes. How can we serve you master and, but there was this one student that was like, holding his head kind of in shame. It's like, I just don't feel good. He didn't say anything. And as these young students were getting ready to go out and doing this, the master said, but please, I want to make sure that no one can see you. No one can see you, you know, taking advantage of, you have to do it when no one's looking. And the young student who had was holding his head down, she purposely said, But wait a minute, that's impossible. And the master said, What do you mean, why are you being so disobedient to me? You know, well, it's impossible, and so well, tell me more why it's impossible. He said, because everywhere I go, I am always watching myself. So I can't not see myself. I cannot unsee it. I'm wherever I go, there I am kind of thing, right? And all of a sudden, in that moment, in the story, it says, you know, all the other students were like, agast going, Oh, my gosh, we, the master was trying to teach us a lesson. And we just messed up, we just made a mistake. Oops, you know. And I think of that, it's like, you know, we can, when we make a mistake, we can either go into shame. Or we can ask another question. Or we can stop and say, Wait a minute, something feels off. Instead of making the other person right or wrong, or yourself right or wrong. What can what Who do you need to become to really be present to not knowing to being in that middle ground, and that middle, that middle place of just inquiry, and love because without love, you will shame yourself. Because shame is what we do ourselves. And blame is what we do others, whether it's another person or whether it's, you know, a system or something like that. So that particular relationship of shame and blame is that if I internalize the shame, I will then turn around and blame. I will try and get somebody else to feel that shame too.

Stephanie Allen: 9:07

The ole misery likes company.

Maren Oslac: 9:08

Oh, yeah, absolutely. So just recently, I had an experience where a teacher of mine, somebody that I really respect, I did something that they thought was, was a was an affront to them. And I'm really grateful that that this person called me on it and said, Hey, what was going on here? And I wasn't able, in that moment to just answer and be really clear of like, wow, that I didn't do that at all. What Wait, wait, that was a misunderstanding. I went into shame. And so I didn't want to pass it along. I was aware enough to know I didn't want to pass it along. I didn't want to keep thing in it for myself. And I also didn't want to pass it along to anybody else. So I took some time and I, I asked some of those questions that you were talking about of, you know, it's like, what, what is really going on here? Did I do something wrong? I got really clear that it was, it was not, I did not do something wrong. And you know, one of the things that we've talked many times on this podcast about is the Rumi quote, beyond, right and wrong, there is a field and I will meet you there. And I felt like I got to that place in myself. So then I was able to then, you know, turn around and talk to my teacher, and we got to a really good place together because of that. I know, when I've done this type of thing in the past with like, either students of mine or in with my team, when the, when you don't have that process when you're not able to go inside and actually find, find where that little shame booger lives. It does get passed on, you know, the misery loves company is like a meme right? pass that booger along, here, send it this way, send it that way.

Stephanie Allen: 11:15

Exactly. It's like hot potato. I want to get rid of it as fast as I can. But when we do is we just, you know, magnify it and intensify it. And we throw with more energy to remember to either, to another person, or we take it on ourselves and we completely go inward and downward. Really, and what I mean by downward we go into the buying I'm bad or they're bad, or I'm I'm wrong or they're wrong, or, you know, we just kind of get in a siphon of negativity. And it creates, you know, the word depression, deep pressed ions, we actually squash our light. And instead of seeing, like just being, I think there's a real power in staying in between, not like staying with the not knowing, totally staying with or knowing. Being present from a different place. Like that example of that story of the young student that says, you know, but wherever I go, there I am kind of idea. And that, wherever I am, I'm watching, someone is watching. And can I, can I see this from a different perspective? Can I presence from a different place, from a loving universe? We've talked about that many times to that, you know, Einstein would say, you know, if you believe that there's a loving universe or an unfriendly universe, you're going to have a different reaction or response, essentially, and how do you build a practice or a way of being that you start to presence the loving universe is learning how to really know, what would that mean to you.

Maren Oslac: 12:48

Mhmm.

Stephanie Allen: 12:48

Like, how do I act, when I believe on the part of a fear based Universe, I'm going to react, I'm going to it's going to create a lot of tension in my body and in my mind, and I'm going to probably say and do things I really regret. Versus if I believe that it's a loving universe, I, it gives me some space to really slow down and choose. It's not easy. I'm not saying that it's an easier place to believe. And I'm not saying it's blind faith that everything is all rosy and fluffy bunny stuff. It's an actual, it's an actual practice and learning within yourself.

Maren Oslac: 13:23

I think that's okay because if I had, in that moment, felt like I lived in a friendly universe, there wouldn't have been shame. So it's almost like the shame was a flag for me of like, hey, Maren, this is still one of the places that you don't believe that, that that, you know, like, you're supported, and that all all is well, and that, you know, the universe is a good place. So you're gonna be like, Oh, whoops, right. And we have another teacher, Roger James Hamilton, and I've been in his presence when something has gone wrong. And it's such a beautiful thing to watch. Because he, I think really embodies, for me anyway, of somebody who truly believed that he lives in a friendly universe. Because when I've been in his presence, and it's just like, you know, the ship goes sideways. He just is like, Oh, that's interesting. Okay. So, you know, it's like, oh, that happened. What, why did that happen? And he gets curious, and he digs in and there's not, What did you do? What's the problem? There's no pointing fingers. There's just as it's really a lovely thing, and that's my ideal that I that I strive to. So I'm really glad that I was able, that I was given the opportunity to see the sliver of life where I still don't necessarily believe that I'm supported.

Stephanie Allen: 14:55

And I'm like, you know, what you're seeing is that it is a practice to feel that you are are supported. To really start to practice that, to presence that. And we cannot be that for someone else, unless we are first being it for ourselves. There's a great show on Hulu or Disney, which is called The Bear. And there's a scene in the second season where he uses the sign language of I'm sorry, which is a kind of a fist and rubbing one's heart with a thumb up. And one of his, he's a chef, he's a really accomplished chef. And he kind of ends up like, doesn't kind of no, he does, he ended up back in Chicago, taking over his brother's, his brother's business who has passed away who has committed suicide, and he's left with a very dysfunctional team. And a very dysfunctional time during COVID, where there's not a lot of money. And he's, he's having to really work with a lot of shame and a lot of blame around things. And he has some staff that he's been hard with, and has kind of reacted out with around making mistakes. And then one of his team members says, Look, I'm sorry, I made a mistake, it won't happen again. And I think we kind of think that it's like, oh, that won't ever happen again, which is kind of really ridiculous to set ourselves up with that. And one of the things that the Bear says to his staff, he's like, yes, it will. And it's okay. And, but he wouldn't be able to do that unless he was practicing that himself. Right? How are you practicing, you all out there listening, how are you practicing not shaming yourself, or blaming yourself for something? And what is the most kind way of thinking, being with yourself so that you can then make space for another?

Maren Oslac: 16:48

I do love that show. And for any, for all of our soulful leaders out there. It's a beautiful lesson in leadership. Evolution of leadership, is what I saw in that in that in The Bear, so we do highly recommend that. And what you're pointing at is so true, we are going to continue to make mistakes. So do we want to look at it of constantly saying, Oh, I won't do that again. I won't do that. Again. I won't do that again. Yeah, he will.

Stephanie Allen: 17:23

It may not look exactly the same, but you'll probably have another creative way of making that mistake.

Maren Oslac: 17:29

And sometimes it'll look exactly the same.

Stephanie Allen: 17:31

Oh, my gosh, again, and again and again, right. Like, it takes time. I think there's something that's really sad that I see sometimes people saying it's like, well, you know, if you're really sorry, you won't make that same mistake again. And it's like, I don't think that's true. I think if you're really sorry, you're going to continue to keep practicing, becoming aware and looking at what you're making a mistake. And you're also going to be practicing not beating yourself up about it, and not blaming someone else for it, either. You're going to keep working, and you're going to ask for help. I think that's one of the biggest things right there is to say, Can you help me see something that I'm not seeing. And sometimes people can't, you know, if they're also caught in the shame blame thing, then they're not going to be able to see it, either they feel it or they know it, something's off. And that's where sometimes we do need someone else we that this is why we need a community, why we need each other so that we can see each other's blind spots and help guide and if we can stay open, rather than defensive of like, you know, why are you blaming the you're not really seeing the whole all of me? Or if we can let that go? Like you said, like Rumi, you know, beyond right doing and wrongdoing, there's a field, I'll meet you there. It's so beautiful. Can we meet each other that, that presencing that curiosity, of like watching yourself go by. And really looking at it from a loving universe, not from a harsh, beat yourself up punishing, that you should never make another mistake, you're trying to control your behavior. You're going to make mistakes again, and again, and again. And again. So what would be your practice of loving kindness towards yourself when you do make a mistake, so that you can learn and grow through love and kindness?

Maren Oslac: 19:18

And I would say, for our leaders, the reason that is so important, and we're talking about doing it for ourselves is because what Stephanie just said is, you can't do it for another unless you're doing it for yourself. And so it would seem like Well, yeah, well, why aren't they talking about, we need to be able to do that with our team? You know what you do? And it does start with you. And the thing that I'll say is, if you're one of those people that doesn't have somebody around them that can reflect back in a loving way, then it would be good to find a professional, you know, a life coach, or a counselor or a psychiatrist, or somebody who's been trained to do that, because that's the practice you need to, you need to have someone who can model it in order to own it yourself. Right. And that's really key. And I think oftentimes, as leaders, it goes back to that, that belief that we have that we're supposed to, you know, should have already mastered everything.

Stephanie Allen: 20:31

That's right. There's your acronym of Shame.

Maren Oslac: 20:34

Shame, should have already mastered everything. Stephanie has that beautiful acronymism. And it's, I think that it follows us around as leaders. And it's so important, especially at this point in the year at the beginning of the year, when we're, we're beating ourselves up over not yet accomplishing what we said we were going to accomplish, and it's only the third or fourth week, and it's like, Gosh, you're so hard on yourself. Loving kindness. That's what makes space to change into like, the things you want to accomplish, you need space in order to do it. And this is the inner work that'll get you there.

Stephanie Allen: 21:15

As I was gonna say, in the space isn't outside of yourself, you can have all this space in the outer world. But if you do not have the space inside, it doesn't matter how much you've been given in the outer world, doesn't matter how much someone loves you and cares for you and is there for you, you'll probably push them away. And it's like so to be able to make the space inside is to really do it with love. When we love ourselves and that it's like, you know, we might say, Well, I love myself. I look in the mirror like oh Yeah, love myself, that's not love. To love yourself is to see those parts within yourself. Like how you think, how you speak to yourself, you know, how you show up to yourself? The lack of forgiveness, the inquiry, like who am I? Why am I here? These are all practices of self love. And until we start to do those things, that's actually what creates a space for us to then look even deeper. You know, and we get, we get what we need, so that we can become who were meant to become, you know, yeah, obviously, you hear that saying is like you you only get what you can handle. And I think it's, you know, it really is you get what you are ready for, so that you can grow and evolve and become someone who is better and not bitter. And that is a practice. And that does take not just a practice, but also to have a community of people around you that can support you with love and kindness until you can step into it on your own. It takes time. Gentleness.

Maren Oslac: 22:50

So our wish for you as we continue on this 2024 journey together is that you continue with kindness and love for yourself and for your teams, and for your families and all the people around you. Thank you for joining us on the soulful leader podcast. You can find us on LinkedIn and on Facebook and right here next week on the soulful leader podcast.

Stephanie Allen: 23:25

And that wraps up another episode of the soulful leader podcast with your hosts, Stephanie Allen

Maren Oslac: 23:32

and Maren Oslac. Thank you for listening. If you'd like to dive deeper, head over to our website at the soulful leader podcast.com.

Stephanie Allen: 23:42

Until next time,