The Soulful Leader Podcast
The Soulful Leader Podcast
The Treasure Under the Bed
Negative emotions in our culture are something to be “fixed” and are usually pushed away, blocked or ignored - shoved under the bed of our lives. Just because we've blocked or ignored something doesn't mean that it's gone away, which is essential for leaders to understand. All those things that are pushed aside still take up time and energy, and they actually begin to control life from the shadows.
Stephanie and Maren’s use of this delightful metaphor makes the whole subject playful and easy to grasp and puts a new, more joyful paradigm in the listener’s hands. Looking at the parts of ourselves that we stuff and stifle has never seemed so engaging and accessible.
Stuffed aspects of ourselves show up in everything from business challenges, to family dynamics to chronic pain which makes this podcast essential for every conscious and conscientious leader.
In addition to the sections below, you’ll love Stephanie’s story around the 7 minute mark, and you’ll want to explore the practice they share around the 26 minute mark.
Enjoy your treasure hunt , and the flow that ensues.
- 05:23 The cost
- 07:06 Making space and finding treasures
- 13:03 Surprise and delight
- 16:00 Gifts from our younger selves
- 20:36 You did something right
- 22:18 Find your people
- 26:00 Everything that gets stuffed underneath the bed is actually treasure
LINKS
04:56 Garage Episode Ep 149 Finding Freedom
17:40 Jeff Sanchez Ep 153 - Tune in next week
Please share your insights and questions in one of our Soulful Leaders groups:
Get all the latest episodes, news and updates directly to your inbox. Subscribe here. TheSoulfulLeaderPodcast.com
Watch the podcasts on our YouTube Channel: @Soulful Leaders
In a world where we have everything and it's still not enough, we're often left wondering, is this really it?
Maren Oslac:Deep inside, you know, there's more to life, you're ready to leave behind the old push your way through and claim the deeper, more meaningful life that's calling you.
Stephanie Allen:That's what we invite you to explore with us.
Maren Oslac:We're your hosts,
Stephanie Allen:Stephanie Allen and
Maren Oslac:Maren Oslac. And this is the Soulful Leader podcast.
Stephanie Allen:Yay. Hi, welcome to the Soulful Podcast. This is Stephanie and I'm here with Maren. And we're taking a deep dive into the ocean of the unknown today. And what I mean by that is that the E-motion, energy in motion, one of the things that I am so fascinated by is that in our world, we so want to avoid any kind of emotion, unless it's peaceful, unless it's pleasant. And how is that working for us? Not so much in this world.
Maren Oslac:Well, we're taught that, you know, negative emotions, anger, depression, sadness, like that they're bad, wrong, something they need to be fixed in some way mitigated, etc.
Stephanie Allen:Yeah. So what we end up doing is, is pushing them away or blocking them, or, you know, glorifying positive thinking, we're going to look at the optimistic point of view. And there's nothing wrong with that I'm not talking about right and wrong. But there's a problem with that is because where does all of this energy or emotion go? Like, we just think, Oh, well, it's not in me. So it goes away. But it doesn't just because we're blocking it or we're ignoring it doesn't mean that it's gone away. And part of that we think of flow, we do a lot with flow consulting, we help people find their path of least resistance, meaning when you drop into the very river of your stream of consciousness, which you are uniquely born with your gifts, your strengths, your passion, your values. And when you start to strengthen that, then you get into flow. And what happens when you're in flow is that you become illuminated, you actually lighten up. And when you lighten up, you are inspired, you are hopeful, you're passionate, you're positive, and things start to happen naturally, for the better of you. Like I mean, good things start coming your way, you start to become attracted, and attractive.
Maren Oslac:Right.
Stephanie Allen:And when we don't, we get stuck and stifled and we create pain in our bodies, in our minds. This is something that I work with a lot in the way of pain in people's bodies. So people coming in to see me and they might say I have a shoulder pain. And I might say okay, well what do you want to change or be different then? Like, well make it go away. Like duh? And, and I'm like, but there's so much more I always say if you could have figured out how to solve that shoulder problem, there is so much information in the world today, we would have figured it out. So it's not coming from an information level. It's not coming from a physical form unless you say, well, you know, I fell down the stairs last week and my shoulder hurts. Okay, well, that's a physical thing. But we can solve that physical issue. But when someone has had a pain or an ache for a long, long time, there's a lot more going on. And, and we tend to as a society, not want to look underneath the surface, because that's messy. What are you talking about? Why are you lifting up the sheets? Okay, it's like, you know, my niece is so great. Because I can relate to this, I was just like her, you know, you get sent up to your room because your room is messy. And you say you're not going out until you clean up your room. And magically, in a matter of 15 minutes, a room is clean. And then someone goes upstairs as we inspect that room and you pull up the bed skirt. And you notice that the entire room has been shoved underneath the bed. And so to the outer it's like oh, yeah, the the room is nice and clean. But under the bed skirt, it's a hot mess, right? And we do that all the time with everything in our lives. So we might eat well, we might exercise, we might take showers, we might brush our teeth. But there's a lot under the bedskirt. There's a lot under the bedskirt people because there's a lot mentally and emotionally and even spiritually that has been shoved and pushed aside. And this matters.
Maren Oslac:This is why it gets it's scary to look under there right? To look inside and the reason that we avoid it or like oh, you know kind of like the the episode that we did about my garage right? My four car garage that was full of crap. And it's like, I didn't even want to look in it. And that's the way we are with our insides, you know?
Stephanie Allen:It's uncomfortable!
Maren Oslac:It's uncomfortable.
Stephanie Allen:What are you talking about? I shoved that under there a long time ago. I don't even know what's in there. And please don't lift that bedskirt right, because it's there. And I don't want to go there. But there is a cost of not going there.
Maren Oslac:There is. There is a cost because well, I know for myself, when I, because we all do it, right? The cost is that it will show up in my body as pain, or a random emotion like that, just sideswipes, me in a very inopportune time, right when I'm about to give a talk, or I am supposed to be, you know, leading something or, and all of a sudden, it's like, I get grumpy out of nowhere. And I, I'll make up a story about why oh, that's because so and so said something, or I just got this. And it's really because there's all this stuff that's shoved under the under the hood, under the bed skirt. And something maybe somebody's face looked, or a tone of voice came
Stephanie Allen:And it's gonna push itself out, either as high out, you know, like I overheard a tone of voice that reminded me of, you know, my third grade teacher, and all of a sudden, I'm triggered. And I make up a story about in the moment why, but really what was going on is I have all of this baggage under the hood that I haven't looked at. And so it's gonna come up. And it does come up at really crappy times. blood pressure or, you know, some sort of skin irritation or violently yelling at somebody like, like, whoa, what did I just say? All right. Like, I can't take that back now. And, you know, that's so interesting. Because when we think I want more space in my life, I want more time, I want more energy. By the way, anything that you've put underneath the bed and the bed skirt is hiding, it's taking your time, your energy, and your space.
Maren Oslac:It does.
Stephanie Allen:And if you want more, it's going to take courage, it's going to take self love and compassion to go in and lift that bed skirt and go, Okay, what the heck is under there, and there's some great treasure under there. Here's the thing. I just had a wonderful client who...... so the funny part of it is that I have a lawn mower that's not working. And it's just a small little, lawnmower and the part of my internal dialogue was going, Oh, no, I can't do this. I don't have time, I really don't even have time or energy to go and take it to have it fixed. Or you know what? And then the other part of me was like, oh, I just really need a man in my life to go and fix my lawn mower ...poor me, wha wha wha....and so instead of like ignoring all of that stuff, I just sat with it. I sat with the uncomfortability and the sadness, and the anger and all the icky stuff that I had....
Maren Oslac:I am going to interrupt just for a second. So you said, you know, like, we can go and look under the bed skirt. Here's the good news is you don't actually have to go look under the bed skirt, because it's going to keep coming out and try to go looking for you. It comes looking for you. And this is what happened. Right? So you went into poor me....wha wha wha.... and recognized in that moment of like, oh, this is coming out. This is like something coming out from under the bed and reaching for you....like a horror movie, right? And rather than just running from it, you're like, No, I'm gonna be present to it.
Stephanie Allen:And I felt the loneliness. I felt the anger. I
Maren Oslac:Well and I love the witness that when you make space felt the sadness. I felt all.... I felt the fear of like, oh my gosh, am I ever going to be able to take care of myself. And I didn't... And when I say, when I didn't identify with all it. What I practiced was being a witness of that. It's like, if you can imagine sitting on your bed, and then lifting up the bedskirt and all of those critters coming out. And you're just watching them come out or looking at them going oh, look at you go loneliness. Oh, look at you go anger. Look at that. And I was just in awe and amusement of them. But I gave them space and I freed them. So they are no longer underneath my bed. And I'm like, okay, because I had to feel them. I had to feel I mean, it's icky. I know that it's icky. But in doing so all of a sudden, this enlightening moment came up and said, you know what, there's YouTube. I'm gonna YouTube this thing. And so I Youtubed it and I am going to look at how to how to fix my lawn mower. Right? And so I'm like, okay, and I have this wonderful office manager who, who does a lot of wonderful design things. So I kind of kind of was trying to slough it off to him going, hey, do you think you could fix my lawnmower? And inside. Often times, the solution shows up outside in a he's like, Stephanie, I don't do that kind of stuff. I don't get my hands messy. And I'm, like, started to laugh. And I'm like, I guess I'm gonna have to do this. So I, I lovingly said, You know what, I can do this, I can do this. And just as I got everything together as to my little list to go out to the store to buy what I needed, and kind of prepare myself, I had this young person come in. This lovely young person come in as a client, and he was late. He was late for his session. And I asked him why he was late. And he said, well, you know, I was on my way and I saw that somebody had thrown out this ride on lawn tractor. And he said, and it was brand, like look pretty good. He said, so I picked it up took it home. And all it was was a dirty carburetor. All I had to do was clean it out and it started up like a dream. I was just like, I was so involved with that. And he said, I think I can, you know, tune it up and sell it for a good price. And I'm like, you know, you just restored my heart and humanity. Because we throw things out. And I'm not just talking about lawnmowers. I'm talking about people, relationships, ideas, parts of ourselves, passions, dreams... we just toss them out to the curb thinking that, you know, it's, yeah, oh, well, next, next much more elegant way than I could have ever figured out or or whatever. Instead of sometimes it just needs a little, a little carburetor cleaning, which is like looking underneath your bed skirt and cleaning it out for a moment. Sometimes it just needs a little bit of that. Anyway, as he's saying this, I'm thinking to myself, do you think you can fix my carburetor on my little tiny lawn mower? He's like, yeah, got all the tools here with me. It took him five minutes. Five minutes to clean out my lawnmower. And then he mowed my lawn. And I'm like, wow, this is fantastic! And I just, I guess I'm saying is like, as you start to look underneath your bed skirt, and you start to see what's there, there are great gifts, there's great energy. And then literally, I believe that the universe wants to help you. If it's not yours to do, the universe really wants to help you and support you up to actually getting that done. And I had planned that, you know, it's gonna probably take me three hours, four hours to get the stuff it's gonna cost me lots of money. Take me lots of time. Wha wha wha... that's more stuff coming out from underneath my bed skirt. But I think that's the value of being able to look within. And look within and clean out what's in the mind,the itty bitty shitty committee and the ca ca poo-pooness that I've referred to, but also to feel the feelings to, to not be afraid, because we do stuff them. And just because you made happen yourself. stuffed them doesn't mean they're, they're gone. They're still wreaking havoc. And they take up space and they cause reaction, they cause inflammation.
Stephanie Allen:Completely surprised and delighted me.
Maren Oslac:Like, right. Don't we all want more surprise and delight in our lives, right?
Stephanie Allen:I mean it was a win, win win all the way around. He came in had a session, and I paid him to do my lawn and he mowed my lawn for me, I was like, we got so much done. He was happy, I was happy. It was GREAT.
Maren Oslac:You know, we so think that we are supposed to figure out and make surprise and delight happen. And that's not how it works. How it works is we actually trudge through the swamp of like, what we've shoved places. And we go, you know what, I'm willing to look at it, I'm willing to look, and it's not easy work.
Stephanie Allen:And it's definitely not easy, and it's not comfortable.
Maren Oslac:It's not comfortable.
Stephanie Allen:It is definitely not comfortable.
Maren Oslac:And it will free up so much space, and so much time. I think about this from a business perspective, because, you know, we're sold all this stuff of if you just, you know, do this for 30 days on LinkedIn, and if you do this for and you have to, you know, join this networking group and you do this and everybody's got a solution for what's going to fix your business. And they are all things that work. How do you know what's yours to do? And when? And what if it literally could surprise and delight you just like that, where the right thing would show up at the right moment. And it's going to take you three hours less because somebody else is going to do it and it's going to cost you less money because you didn't have to like figure it all out. All because you went in and did a little bit of inner work and I say a little bit of inner work because it's always more overwhelming looking under the bed than it is when you start to actually go through it.
Stephanie Allen:Oh, gosh, yeah.
Maren Oslac:You know, the scary part is, when you open here, you open the junk closet and things start to fall out on top of you....Nooooo! (laughter)
Stephanie Allen:But now it's out. Now you've opened the door, it's all falling out all over the floor, it's spring cleaning. And you're like, okay, I can either just shove it all back in here, but it's going to take me as much energy and effort, just shove it all back in than for me to then just sit with this, and sort it and release it, get rid of it. And sometimes, like this, this young person who found this ride on mower on the side of the road for free, it took him, you know, very little time to go and fix it up with almost no money whatsoever. And he turned it around to make really good pocket change. Really good money for a 17 year old. Heck, that was a pretty good income.
Maren Oslac:That's great.
Stephanie Allen:And it's a metaphor for ourselves, too. It's like if you want to get energy, best and health and well being, this is the best way I've seen this happen. When I work a lot with parents, parents, and they're struggling so much with their child at home, either their child is going through some sort of crisis. But what teenager doesn't go through some sort of crisis, right? That's when we start really stuffing stuff under the bed. But I mean, seriously, and and that teenager going through that crisis, it's literally upheaving everybody's bedskirt in the house. It triggers everything. It's like, okay, the you know, the teenagers going through depression? Well, now it triggers the depression and everybody else in the house That teenager is going through an existential crisis, who am I? Why am I here? What is it, I don't know where I'm going, I'm unclear, it triggers an existential, you know, crisis in everybody else in the house. So this is the value of looking underneath the bed. Because when you can go in and you can face that loneliness, and you can face that anger, or face that sadness, with love with kindness, as a witness, then when it shows up in your outer life with loved ones, or colleagues or friends, then you already have space for them.
Maren Oslac:And you don't get triggered.
Stephanie Allen:You don't take it on, you don't take it personally, and your heart is open. So that there's enormous amount of love for that being and empathy without smothering them or without running away. Again, it's just so so valuable.
Maren Oslac:You know, we talked to Jeff Sanchez recently, and he was talking about having been bullied when he was younger. And if he hadn't done his own work with that, it's so easy to turn around and become the bully. And or be triggered by somebody who's being bullied. You know, like, you know, he jokingly... he lovingly calls, often times will say, you know, it's like we are the the Island of Misfit Toys, right? Where people can come together and support each other from that place and not get triggered, because Jeff is there holding that space, because he's done his work. He's looked at that part of himself. And he's not, he's not in a reactionary mode from it. And for me, when I look at the leaders, who are the best leaders out there, whether you're leading your family, or you know, some neighborhood kids or whatever, it's coming from that place of I have space because I've done my work. Even some, you know, it's like, just like I said, it always seems much bigger and more daunting when, it's just like the little kid who's scared of something under the bed. And when you shine the light, it's like, No, there's nothing there. Right? Or, oh, it's that small little thing projecting on the, on the screen.
Stephanie Allen:Isn't that a witness? You know, we're talking about shoving stuff under the bed and little kids are afraid of the boogeyman, or the or the big monster that's in the closet. And this is what we're talking about on an energetic level. We are literally putting things under the bed or putting things in the closet. There are monsters. And when you shine the light, like you said Maren, all of a sudden, they're just like a little a little ant, or they are just like a little... and it's amazing how something so small can actually create such havoc in our life. It's like an eyelash in your eye or a pebble in your shoe. It really can throw off your whole your whole posture or your whole existence inside.
Maren Oslac:I like to think of it as exposing the man behind the curtain in The Wizard of Oz. Right. It's like, wait, you're just a man. Yep. You know what, it's just a grumpy part of us. That's not who we really are.
Stephanie Allen:So we think of this like, like you said in businesses and cultures. So we think about a positive work culture or positive family culture or relationship culture, whatever we're speaking of. It's like, if we, when we say we, you haven't done your inner work, what does that mean? Right? The inner work, it means taking time to stop. Stop, look, listen, and feel. Inside, stop, drop and listen, you know, is like to go inside and really go, Okay, what? What's going on inside me? What's underneath my bed skirt? Right now? What if I stopped? that's coming up, not because I did something bad or wrong, but it's coming up because I'm ready and willing to actually face it.
Maren Oslac:I love that. Can you repeat that?
Stephanie Allen:I don't know. I think it can get in the way of like, sometimes when people will come to me, they said, you know, our last session together was really, it was really tough. And the next day I got up, I felt really sore. And I was in a lot of pain. And, they're often very surprised with me, because I'll say, well, that's fantastic. And they're like, what? I just told you, I was in pain. And I said, that means you lifted up the bedskirt. And you're looking at something that was probably painful for a long, long time. And now you have the space and the capacity to face it. Which means you're ready, you're ready to move to another level. It's like, it's like the old up leveling, right? Like you're gonna level up. It's like, well, you you die 100 times and those in the video games before you learn how to get to the next level. It's like, that's our ego actually dying. It's like, our ego has to keep dying and dying so that you can pick up the bedskirt and go, okay, okay, you a little boogie man, where are you? Where are you, you little booger? Get out here, I want to talk to you, because you're wreaking havoc. And we got to talk about this, you know?
Maren Oslac:The thing is that, it really does come up, because we have the tools and we are ready to deal with it, to look at it. It just is that then we turn away and we keep running so we think that we're not.
Stephanie Allen:Yeah, because a lot of times, we don't know not that we just don't know how, we also need, others around us. This is why support groups are so amazing. You know, I always say find, find your people, the"been there done that got the t shirt" people, whatever that is and who have overcome. So you know, if you've been bullied find a group of individuals who have overcome being bullied and now loving themselves and loving others. Or if you're a cancer survivor, find a group that have transcended cancer and are living fulfilled healthy, wonderful lives, go be with them, because they have something to offer. And they have space and capacity to listen, and to have empathy to be with you without trying to fix or change you. They literally will witness you. And this is what we need is we're witnessing the parts of ourself that we made unacceptable, that we made wrong that we made bad, we were ashamed, we shoved it under the bed. But it can't stay there. It needs to come up because it wants healing. And it wants help. And it's ready. So if you're aware of the pain or the difficulties of the emotional, mental, spiritual things, it's because you're ready. And I would say... fantastic. Congratulations. And find, someone to talk to about it. Who's has who has faced it themselves. That's the key. Who has faced it themselves. Because if you find somebody else who hasn't, who's also going through the same thing, sometimes you get entangled into each other's drama. So you need to find someone who's a little bit more ahead of you on the path, whatever that means to you.
Maren Oslac:And I would just invite if there are leaders out there who are looking for that, that's what we do, is we work with leaders from the inside out, because that's who we are. That's what our area of expertise is. So we would love to talk to you if that's something that you're looking for, certainly reach out to us and contact us.
Stephanie Allen:Absolutely. You are so worth it. I just want to say it's like we are all worthy of being able to go in and unpack what's underneath our bed skirt. So it's like what's under the hood, right? Like let's see how the engine is so that we can clean it. We can clean out that carburetor so that you can run smoothly and powerfully and more efficiently.
Maren Oslac:Like going back to the very beginning. You said that, you know that's our flow state that is our natural state and it's our flow state and there's nothing wrong with us that it's not all gunky. It just that's what happens with use. That's our vision is for all people to feel loved,
Stephanie Allen:That's right. And E-motion is energy in motion... that's flow. So whether it's tears, whether it's rage, whether it's fear, whether it's lonely, whether it's laughter and love we've been, we shut those things down to have like, you know, okay, we're having too much fun...just settle down, it's time to go to bed now, you know, quiet down. It's like, we stop everything. And where's it going? I mean, whether we do that in our physical bodies, whether we do that in our minds, or our emotions, we also do it with stuff with material, with materialism, with consumerism, with food, we do that we stuff it stuff that stuff it now like, what if we could face it with love and kindness? And what if you didn't have to face it alone? That to me is healing. And we all are worth... that we are all worthy of taking the time to look underneath what's under the hood. and worthy. Imagine, imagine a world...
Maren Oslac:Imagine a world where you know that you're here for a reason. Because you are valuable.
Stephanie Allen:And that everything that gets stuffed underneath the bed is actually treasure. Like just like this young man, somebody else's junk, was his treasure. And it is true for us to you know what's been stuffed underneath your bed. Some of it is not even yours. Most of it probably isn't yours. But it's like, it's like it's also buried treasure. That's why we bury treasure deep in dark caves and into the ground and into the bottom of the ocean. Because we've got to go into that ocean of emotion.
Maren Oslac:And it's there for us when we're ready for it. Absolutely, to bring you up and be like, Oh, I found a treasure instead of our shit... not that again.(laughter)
Stephanie Allen:I think it would make it more more adventurous and more kind if we looked at it that way rather
Maren Oslac:It would. So I invite everybody this week to... than the shame. when your shit starts to come up can you look at it and say, oh, oh, there's a treasure. What is that, what's it asking of? What's it calling to me to, right?
Stephanie Allen:Compost? Compost... gonna put it in the yard of great gardens.
Maren Oslac:Yeah, exactly feed it to the worms. So enjoy as you go through this week and give some thought to what are some of those inner things that are coming up that are saying, Hey, we're ready to bring our treasure into your world. If you'll just give us a little bit of time. So remember, you can find us on our website, the soulfulleaderpodcast.com and on our Facebook page and LinkedIn page under the Soulful Leaders.
Stephanie Allen:And that wraps up another episode of the And if you're interested in working with us visit our Soulful Leader Project website, tslp.life We'll see you all next week on the Soulful Leader podcast. Soulful Leader podcast with your hosts, Stephanie Allen
Maren Oslac:and Maren Oslac. Thank you for listening. If you'd like to dive deeper, head over to our website at the
https://thesoulfulleaderpodcast.com/
Stephanie Allen:Until next time...