The Soulful Leader Podcast
The Soulful Leader Podcast
Making Values Your Foundation
Values are powerful tools, yet most of the time we don’t know what a value is, no less what our particular values are.
Today Stephanie and Maren pull apart what values mean to us personally, and in our businesses. Knowing your values (and your business’ values) is one of the single most impactful thing you can do to attract customers and teams, to increase revenue and retention and even to meet Mr. or Ms. Right.
Are you ready to shift out of the old way of relationships, of marketing, of leading.
If you’ve ever felt like goldilocks - not able to find that ‘just right’ formula, today’s Values first episode will have you reaching for a pen. Instead of the old, exhausting way of going about life, join Maren & Stephanie and dive into a deeper, more meaningful way that leads to flow.
- 02:07 catchphrase or real meaning
- 06:36 Codependency in leadership, and the alternative
- 09:25 Practical tools: Inner work, what does it mean and how do you apply it
- 15:19 Values: What are they, how do they serve us
"Bad marketing values promotions, good marketing, promotes values.” ~ Simon Sinek
- 20:19 Values exercise (included below)
- 22:19 Getting clients the easy way
- 25:34 Bored and searching, there is a better way
LINKS
15:48 Ep 150 Vicki Keith (Neurodiversity is Your Superpower)
16:38 https://brenebrown.com/resources/dare-to-lead-list-of-values/
20:19 Stephanie's Values Exercise
What are my top 10 Values? After each value...
A) why is this important?
B) where am I living this value now?
C) internally.. thoughts/beliefs/attitudes...what do I need to let go of? Learn? Change? So I can be more aligned with my values?
There aren't always answers to the above questions.
The questions are meant to be contemplated ..and they will grow, change and evolve as you inquire about them...
you may want to pick one each day and just 'think about its presence in your life'.
This is not a test. No pass or fail. No right or wrong
Your answer will change as you do.
Please share your insights and questions in one of our Soulful Leaders groups:
Get all the latest episodes, news and updates directly to your inbox. Subscribe here. TheSoulfulLeaderPodcast.com
Watch the podcasts on our YouTube Channel: @Soulful Leaders
In a world where we have everything and it's still not enough, we're often left wondering, is this really it?
Stephanie Allen:Deep inside, you know, there's more to life, you're ready to leave behind the old push your way through and claim the deeper, more meaningful life that's calling you.
Maren Oslac:That's what we invite you to explore with us.
Stephanie Allen:We're your hosts, Stephanie Allen and
Maren Oslac:Maren Oslac. And this is the Soulful Leader podcast.
Stephanie Allen:Yay. Hi, welcome to the Soulful Leader podcast. This is Stephanie and I'm here with Maren. And today we're talking a little bit about, not just the why we do what we do, but what does it take inside ourselves to really show up and serve another being from a place of not too much, not too little. It's kind of like the Goldilocks, just right. And what even does that mean? Because we're so used to the outer world being transactional, like, I'm giving you something, and I want something in return, or we have different sets of here's the next step on how to sell something, or how to get something or, don't forget to take care of yourself, while you're doing this, there seems to be so many things to balance out or to come into harmonize. And what we're gonna presence today is a little different way of transcending, and including all of those.
Maren Oslac:So I think of it as a different way of marketing, essentially. You know, like, when I think of the traditional, what we're taught about marketing...I just attended a seminar and I was surprised at hearing, the same thing that I've been hearing for 20 years of this is how you market yourself. And I think that I was surprised because you and I do it differently. And there is value in the old way of doing it, of, you know, be authentic. Yes, absolutely be authentic. But what does that mean?
Stephanie Allen:When someone says you're not being authentic Stephanie, or you're not being authentic Maren, what on earth, does that mean?
Maren Oslac:Right? So getting into those things, instead of just, you know, writing down your strengths and weaknesses, which is important, we talked about that. Like, you know, create a product that serves, okay, again what does that mean? And how are you going to show up to that? Because to me, that's where the real marketing happens, is how I choose to show up to my authentic self, to the offer that I have on the table to the people that I'm serving, to my community to all of that is what really, I see as the difference in the way that you know, the incoming wave from the future of how marketing could be, versus all the things we're taught to check the box of like, Oh, I did this, I did that I did the other thing and now I'm gonna sell, sell, sell, sell.
Stephanie Allen:I'm kind of relating this in the way of even in relationships, you know, we become people pleasers, at, you know, sacrificing ourselves. Why do we sacrifice ourselves? Well, a couple reasons. One, either, we don't know what we want. And we make other people more important than who we are. Because we haven't really looked inside to say, Well, who am I? Why am I here? You know, what, what is, what is it that I'm bringing to this world? Do I even know? And why am I like, why am I here? Like, the existential question, but even even the presence question, like, why am I in this relationship? Why am I in this job? Why, you know, why? What is it that's holding me accountable to this? Whatever this is, this moment in time, this place this relationship, this place of living? I don't think we go deep enough to go. Is it something that I feel I'm called to do? Or is it something I feel like I'm obligated to do like, I have to do this. And so when I say that people pleasing, it's like, well, if I don't people please, then I'm going to be abandoned. Or I'm, you know, I'm going to be judged. I'm going to be you know, neglected, whatever it is. So we either over overdo... there's the Goldilocks or Cinderella? Yeah, Goldilocks! Goldilocks. I don't know my fairy tales. Goldilocks. That's the Goldilocks kind of mentality. It's like it's too much. Or is it too little? We hold back because we're not sure. So instead of people pleasing, you know, we hold back of who we really are, because we're not sure of who we really are. And we're afraid to even be... when we say authentic to really show our vulnerability, our true self in the way of like, this is what I'm really feeling, whether it's right or wrong or good or bad, I just really feel this way and I don't know what to do with it. That's the humility.
Maren Oslac:So from a business perspective, looking or even from a leadership perspective, right. So it maybe, you know, you're a coach, leader, you're whatever, from a leadership perspective, what I'm hearing is that, like, when we're working, relationships are the basis of marketing of sales of, you know, our communities of the teams that we have, whatever it is, and so often, that outer, you know, like you were talking about, of, we hold back, because there's a fear. And so we either give too much... "like me, like me, like me, buy my thing, buy my thing buy my thing", or we don't give enough... "I don't believe in myself, I'm so I'm going to hold back a little bit, and test you to see if you like me enough to do to join the team to, you know, be my partner" to whatever the it is, right? And when you're talking about the Goldilocks it's like that, place that's in between, that size that fits just right is it comes from knowing ourselves well enough to say, I'm good. I'm good. How can I be of service to you? I don't need your business. I would love your business. I don't need you on the team. I love you on the team. I'm good. I don't know...
Stephanie Allen:And that's where the codependency thing comes in. Because you get codependency in leadership totally, like, oh, people are leaders, because they want attention. They want power, they want control. And that's actually a codependency thing. That's an actual thing of like, you know, I have to get something outside myself, because I don't know how to access it from within. I don't know how to connect internally, to a sense of love and peace and joy and abundance inside myself. So I'm going to try to take it from something else, or give something in order to get something transactional. I give you this, you give me that? You know, and it's just tit for tat all the time. And it's exhausting. versus, you know, going to that deeper why of like, so why? Why do, why do I do what I do? Well, I believe in it. Well tell me more about why you believe in it. I love it too, because it's changed my life or it's helped. Well tell me more, tell me more. And so when you get into that enthusiasm, because I was just at a workshop myself, and the person that was giving the talk was a really great person, and was really excited about something that I also do. But he didn't give us any grounded context behind it. He just kind of like, kind of let us go and explore or whatever. And I was really having to work with myself going... oh my gosh, there's so much more here. And at the same time listening to the group that I was in, they would not have been able to receive what I have from 30 years. So I was just paying attention to going well, where are they at? What are they needing? And I think that's what we forget, it's like, we don't learn how to connect with another person's deep need, because we haven't connected with their own deep need. I guess that we haven't gone in to, you know, find that internal power, that internal connection, that love, that source. So how can we help another find, theirs? You know, we can't. I use the old you know, saying of like if you need $10 from me, and I do not have $10 no matter how much I care about you, I cannot give you $10. Because I don't have it. So if I can learn how to find lifeforce within myself, then I can help you access your lifeforce from within without even actually doing anything. Simply by just being in your presence and listening and allowing you to self-reflect inside yourself and point directions about what might be happening for you.
Maren Oslac:So I love that as a theory, right? It's like, Oh, that's great, right?
Stephanie Allen:Yeah, what does that mean?
Maren Oslac:Both. You know, what does it mean? And also, what's a practical application of that? Because one of the things about, you know, marketing from 20 years ago, of you know, the things that you and I learned that we applied and we checked the boxes, right? It was very practical, like, know who you are, know what you offer, make sure that your offer is something that somebody wants to, you know, like, do your market research. They're all things that you can do in the outer world and check the box and then see a direct correlation.
Stephanie Allen:Yeah, and I think they're a great beginning. It's a great start of learning how to both know who you are and what you're serving, and also learning how to listen to the people that you want to serve. I think it's such a great beginning. So I think then what happens when it stops working? You know, like, you've done it all, but it's not working anymore. And it's like, why is this not working?
Maren Oslac:Well, I think one of the things you just said is actually a key to the practicality of it, is the listening to the people that you serve. And I know one of the things that I had been taught was, you want to do your market research, which is essentially is listening to the people that you want to serve. The challenge that I always had with that was then you're supposed to create a product that serves those people. No one talks about, or at least at the time, no one was talking about how is that in alignment with why I'm here.
Stephanie Allen:Now, you're just now you're just co-dependently trying to help other people so that you can sell the product and feel good about yourself.
Maren Oslac:Right? Right. So now I can, you know, it's like, why am I selling the product? Just to make money, just to serve them? Because now I'm not in my own body. I'm doing like, I'm doing it from that, like me, like me, like me place. I'm good enough because I've given you what you need. Where we started this was that it's all about relationship.
Stephanie Allen:It is! It is. And the WHY and WHAT you care about. Which is kinda the why I'm going to relate this to volunteerism, as well in the leadership in the community, because I know right now, whether it's community center, or service clubs, or churches or anything that's in service, the earth, so needing volunteers. And it's like that old adage of like, well, what's in it for me? Why should I volunteer, because what's in it for me. And the whole point of volunteering people is, is that you have so much within you, it's overflowing, and you want to give back, you want to share you, you care, you care about the possibility of what could happen. But you're not super uber responsible for it. It's like, you're also in a surrender mode of like, okay, well, what, what wants to happen and what is required of me, in order to be in service? I need to listen to what the people are saying, and I'm going to have to surrender my agenda, also, in order to be in service. So, you know, as an example, you know, I volunteer at a local YMCA. And for years, you know, I used to be the volunteer coordinator, and I would hear people to say this to me all the time. This is like 30 years ago. It's like, well, what's in it for me? You know, I'm giving an hour or two hours a week to do fitness, and what's in it for me? Well, I want a free membership. And I want to I want to be recognized. And absolutely, those are great things. Those are great things. But what's funny, here's what's funny, is because I could totally relate to that, and I totally stood for that I'm like... you're right, you know, you give a lot da ta da ta da. I have been a volunteer now for almost 25 years. I tell you, I like, it has shifted internally in me, it's like, it's in me to give it's kind of like that old, you know, give blood it's in you to give. Our reason for being is in us to give. It is. And so when we can start to understand that we have an infinite potential within ourselves. And that, who are you when you're done with his body suit, with his life? What kind of legacy do you want to leave? Nobody cares about money and stuff anymore. They really don't. If you talk to like the, you know, generation, you know, XYZ ABC's. You know, you talk to any of them they're just not into it anymore. They're just like, yeah, yeah, whatever, right? They're longing for something deeper. And I think that they're teaching us something. They really are teachers. Because, you know, now as I'm volunteering, it's like, I get so much back without even asking for it. And I think that's the gift, because I'm showing up because I'm expecting nothing back. I am totally there because I care. And there's that old saying of people don't care what you know, until they know that you care. And to me, that's an internal practice. I need to keep practicing, what do I care about? Why do I care about it? Why do I care about that person? Why do I care about you know that that treat, that perk, that whatever? Why do I care? What does it mean? And if it was gone, what does that mean? Like why do I care and what has to change in within me not to try to control it or fix it or manipulate it, but what has to change within me to also detach from it? That is a hard practice. You shared and I love that you use that it is a practice. Because so often we think that it's like, oh, I know what I stand for. And when I die, it's a done thing. It's as if it's not evolving as we evolve. 100%!!
Maren Oslac:You shared something with me this morning, and I posted it on our Soulful Leader Facebook group. It says,"Bad marketing values promotions... (and this is from Simon Sinek)... good marketing, promotes values." And I just think about that, from what you were just talking about of like, what are the values behind your business, behind you as a person? We had Vicki Keith on recently, and it was an phenomenal episode, if you haven't listened to that, I think it's episode 150. She is such an inspiring woman. And she talked about working with values with her kids and like people not knowing what that means. And you've mentioned that to like with your clients of "I need to go look up what a value is."
Stephanie Allen:They say... I don't even know what a value is! What is a value?
Maren Oslac:I get it. What is a value? So there's some great downloads. You know, after that episode, somebody actually asked me because Vicki Keith mentioned the fact that she provides a list to the kids, so that they can actually look through and go which of these feels in alignment with me? Because just coming up with them can be hard. So I went and I looked, and Brene Brown has got a beautiful list of values for leaders. The values that we hold, when we can actually stand in those values, it allows us to be to listen more closely, clearer, you know, more attentively, and be present to the people around us, whether they are our team members, or our clients or potential clients. I was just recently at an event where they provided these headshots, and the photographer that was there was not interested, she just she wanted to promote and didn't value what she was doing. And she just wasn't invested. So she did it kind of in this remote way. And then she had all the checkbox of things of like, well, I'm giving away a $400 certificate to a session with me. And here's all the things that I do. Which was great, until she actually showed up and took the picture. And she did not give a crap about me or what I was looking for.
Stephanie Allen:And you are noticing too, is also connecting. Because when you know your values, and you can connect with somebody else's, even if they don't know their values, but if you can connect and pull out someone's essence of what they value, then you have a foundation of what you can build a relationship and trust on. And then service becomes so much easier.
Maren Oslac:I want to relate it back to the volunteering thing that you talked about of like when you're volunteering, and you're giving and you're getting so much back, you feel like you could do it forever. When we get to that place in our own selves, in our businesses, when we're doing our business from a place of I am so connected to my values to my 'Why' that I'm here to my bigger purpose, then I can do it forever. It energizes me I'm not looking for the payout so I can go sit on a beach and do nothing. That sounds like a nightmare to me.
Stephanie Allen:Well, you know, it's interesting, you bring that up, because I have a client who kind of is living that nightmare. And he recently said to me, he goes, you know, he lost his wife and daughter here in the last five years. And he's like, you know, I have I sacrificed all the years my daughter grew up working, to make money so that we could have a retirement. He goes, dammit, I'm pissed, basically, at my wife are dying. And because we had all of these dreams planned, and it was like she left me, she died. And he said, and then I feel really awful that I'm feeling bad about that. He said, but I have all this money, but I'm not happy. And I said yeah. And you could see he had so much pain in his body because he was carrying it. Hearing that grief carrying that pain. And I said do you know what you value? Because he kept saying he valued money and he valued money. I'm like, is that true? Because what I'm hearing is that you valued relationship. And you're beating yourself up for making money value more than the relationship value. And he's a very hard, you know, he was a salesperson. He's very hard business. And I could see the tears coming welling up. And... he challenges me a lot. So he got home and he texted me he's like, okay, so what did we talk about? And can you tell me what the values are? And so this is actually what I wrote back to him, I said, you know, list your top 10 values. This is a great exercise. List your top 10 values. And I said, after each value, write 'Why is this value important to me?' Like, what does it mean to me? Why do I value this this value? Because you may uncover that some of those values are values that you've been told to value, or genetically inherited, that you should value those, but they're not truly talking about authenticity...truly your values. There is no right or wrong value. It is just to know what your values are, so that you can live true to them. And then I said, so the third thing, so you know, find out why they're important, what they mean to you? And then where am I living this value now? And then I said internally, your thoughts, your beliefs, your attitudes, what do you need to let go of, in order so that you could just totally be free? Because a lot of times, we will say, I'm unhappy. And I'll say it's often because you're not putting one of your values as a priority. When you can put your values as a priority it moves you. But if this is a constant thing that is changing, you know, and there is no right or wrong answer to any of these, these questions. But they're meant to be contemplated, and that they will grow and change as you grow and evolve, and change. But to continue to deepen and deepen. And it's not a pass or fail test kind of thing. This is something that is just like, something that is a daily contemplation of like, you know, what is...not a to do list, not an outer thing. It's like, what am I what do I value? Am I showing up to that value? Or am I making somebody else's value more important? Have I questioned what my value is as to why it is? And it's an ongoing practice?
Maren Oslac:Because once you know that, then it's so easy to align with other people. I was recently talking to a client, and she said that she was at an event where they were talking about "wanting to make multiple commas". You know, we talked about the six figures, and then it's beyond that the multiple commas. And I said, well, why did they want that? And she said, well, so that they could sit on a beach and have a certain car and do this. And I very clearly said, well they're not my clients. Maybe they're yours. And she's like, no, I don't think that they are. So knowing your values... my client is the person who wants to make a difference in the world, not sit back and take it easy. And there's no right or wrong, it just is knowing. There's so many people out there and everybody's in a different place. So if I know my values, then I can very clearly say I don't need to go to that place. I don't need to talk to those people. There's somebody else thats a better teacher for those people than I am. Because we won't connect, we won't relate. Relate is about relationship, right? So my client, there's a reason she's my client, she wants to make a difference in the world. And yes, you can do that and make money. It just is understanding that, okay, I want to make multiple commas or six figures or even 20 bucks this week, because I want to make a difference. Because I want to. Not because I want to check out. And that's going to what are my values? And how do I find the people that are aligned with you? Actually, you don't even need to know how to find the people who align with them.
Stephanie Allen:You will just attract them.
Maren Oslac:You will be tripping over them.
Stephanie Allen:I've totally seen that. And, you know, I might even ask the individual who says, hey, look, I want to make multiple commas so I can sit on the beach and enjoy my life. And I might even ask another question. So what would that mean? You know, to go even deeper, because sometimes that still stays on the surface, and they can be so stressed that they're like, I've come from a life of lack. I've come from a genetic line of lack. I just want to feel like I'm safe. I want to feel like I can rest. And it's like, what if there was another way to do that than making multiple commas and sitting on a beach? You know, and I think it's having a different and again, I'm not making it right or wrong or good or bad, but just staying in the inquiry, asking more questions, because just like that man when he said, he values money. But yet when I said, well, what I'm really hearing, though is that you valued your wife and your daughter and they're not here anymore and it's causing you pain. And it broke, you know, it makes me cry, too. You know, it makes me cry in that way of like, I think sometimes we get to kind of drinking the Kool Aid that yes, we're supposed to make multiple commas.
Maren Oslac:I think that's very much, you know, it's like what you said, of, we take on other people's values, because that's what we're taught. We are taught that we're supposed to want to make six figures and charge$10,000 for a program and do this, and that's the right way and, we just swallow it. And really, it's about knowing who we are. And where do I want to go? You know what, is six figures enough? Maybe I need multiple commas. So that... what? What I found is often times those people who end up on the beach, they're there for, you know, six months, and then they're like... I'm bored stiff.
Stephanie Allen:I have often seen that those are the usually the ones that come to me, they say, I've got cancer. So well, I guess you have you have a mission now, don't you? You have something to work towards and changing. And why I'm saying that is that I am not dissing anyone who God love them who goes through a serious disease or a loss. Sometimes that is the very impetus to actually help you find your latent potential in your gift. It helps you look within and go, Oh my gosh, there's more I have to give. And so it is a very hard path. And I honor and bow to any of you that may be suffering in that. And there is another way, than trauma and drama to wake up to find those gifts and strengths. And I think that's what we're really saying here Maren is that, if we can start to look underneath the surface, to find that deeper connection of who am I? Why am I here? What am I called to do? And who am I called to become? And not trying to figure it out and having a once and done answer. But to be in the question to be on the quest for that with love. That's when things start to change. That's where inspiration and joy. And that's where wonder and delight start to pop in, you're like, oh my gosh, look at this. It's coming to me, instead of having the trauma and drama, and I think our world has had enough trauma and drama, and maybe it hasn't. Maybe the trauma and drama is what's happening right now in the world so that we can wake up and care more for what we may not have. I mean, there's so many things that we've lost even pre-pandemic, you know, so many things rights and things we've lost. And it's like the old saying, 'You don't know what you've got till it's gone." I don't want to wait for that. And I don't want to hang on tight to what I already have either. I don't want to be at anxiety and fear with that either. But I want to have gratitude. And I know, the only way to do that is to keep going deeper and deeper inside myself so that God forbid, if something does go, then I have a safe place to land inside myself. And I have a community of people who can hold me and have my back and be with me and my grief or my anger or my suffering so that I can be illuminated to walk into a new way of being a soulful leader.
Maren Oslac:I think a beautiful place to start that whole journey is the values exercise that you gave us earlier. So I will link that. I'll have, ask Stephanie to type that up for us. And I will put that link to that in the show notes. So you can go to the soulfulleaderpodcast.com to get to the show notes. For today's episode, I'll also put a link to Brene Brown's list of values so that if you're like a lot of us and are not sure what a value is, you can actually have a cheat sheet and be like oh, and see what resonates for you and then go through the exercise. Peel the layers. You know, you're a treasure. And we're buried under all of this crap and start peeling the layers to get to the treasure that's within you. So thank you for joining us. You can find me and Stephanie at the soulful leaders at soulful leaders, I should say, on Facebook and on LinkedIn. You can also find us at tslp.life. That stands for the Soulful Leader Project dot Life because we're all about life. And we look forward to seeing you all next week on the Soulful Leader podcast.
Stephanie Allen:And that wraps up another episode of the soulful leader podcast with your hosts, Stephanie Allen
Maren Oslac:and Maren Oslac. Thank you for listening. If you'd like to dive deeper, head over to our website at the thesoulfulleaderpodcast.com
Stephanie Allen:Until next time