The Soulful Leader Podcast
The Soulful Leader Podcast
Unlocking Resilience: Three Practical Steps
Resiliency. We all want it.
It’s a buzzword in business.
Everyone has an opinion on how to ‘be resilient’.
This week, Maren and Stephanie take a look at this hot leadership topic from a slightly different perspective and give three clear, actionable steps that work. If you are ready to up the resiliency in your life and your leadership, you will love today’s podcast.
We work hard, grow into productive adults, change who we are and suddenly find ourselves in a situation that throws us right back into who we were - no warning - and no way to get out of it. Holding onto who we are, regardless of the situation is resiliency, and it does take a regular, intentional practice.
This is the three part process that Maren shares as she tells her own story of discovery. Leaders who long to swap the life of judgment, criticism and blame for a one of curiosity, joy and playfulness will appreciate that Maren and Stephanie don’t just share the three steps, but they give the secret sauce that actually makes them work.
- 00:31 Pulled back into an old you
- 06:28 Stepping up a notch
- 10:19 Making the choice
- 11:50 Catching the moment
- 15:28 Reviewing for next time
- 17:33 Owning the change - Instant gratification, or repeatable practice
- 20:35 Being tested - you’ve done something right
- 23:55 Ownership - work becomes play
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In a world where we have everything and it's still not enough, we're often left wondering, is this really it?
Maren Oslac:Deep inside, you know, there's more to life, you're ready to leave behind the old push your way through and claim the deeper, more meaningful life that's calling you.
Stephanie Allen:That is what we invite you to explore with us. We're your hosts, Stephanie Allen and
Maren Oslac:Maren Oslac. And this is the Soulful Leader podcast.
Stephanie Allen:Yay.
Maren Oslac:Welcome to the Soulful Leader Podcast. I'm Maren, and I'm here with Stephanie. Have you ever had one of those moments where you've worked through something in your life, a way that you are with people, and you stepped backwards in time, because you've stepped back into a relationship, say, for example. Here's an example of what I'm talking about. It's like, you go home for the holidays. And suddenly you become who you were, when you were a teenager, or when you were in your 20's. And you're like, going through all the same drama, and you're like, this isn't me! I know how to not be this person. And yet, because of whatever all of these situations and the way that maybe it's going back to your old house, you just become that person again. And you kind of look at yourself, like, why are you embroiled in this drama? That's not you.
Stephanie Allen:Yeah, like you run a company, you, you, like help other people with their lives or with their health, and here, you go back into your family's home and you're a hot mess. Like, what happens? How do you... how do you recover from that? How do you transcend it? Without making, I know, myself, like, I've had those situations, it's like, you know, I'm either gonna beat them up and yell at them for not seeing me for who I am, right? Or I'm going to beat myself up for, you know, reacting, or not allowing myself to be at peace no matter what or, you know, it's just such an interesting dynamic. And I know we're using, you know, holidays or home, but it could be getting together with a bunch of college friends that you haven't seen for years, or, you know, or you're just out of your out of your comfort zone, you're in a different place. And what happens is it's almost like we age regress back into a younger version of ourself that doesn't have self worth, self esteem, self image, like we've lost that part of us. And we're trying to like, you know, how do I get that, that me back that? You know, what's happening to me?
Maren Oslac:Yeah, I know, for myself, I just recently. So for the listeners who haven't been with us for a while, I had a ballroom dance studio, and I have been a dancer, ballroom dancer, swing dancer, country dancer for the last 30 years. And in 2022, I closed the studio. And since 2020, Stephanie and I have been working together and really building this. And just recently, I went back into the dance community, and I was a leader there, you know, top level professional. So it wasn't that I went back into a non-leadership role. What happened was, I wanted to consciously go back into my role in that world, with awareness. Instead of what we were just talking about, instead of finding myself, well, here's the way that I've always been in with these people, with this community, and in this situation. So that's who I'll be. I wanted to go into it with an awareness of who do I want to be here now? Because I've changed a lot in the last three, four or five years. And that's the person I want to show up as, I don't want to go back like you said... I love that 'age regression'. I don't want to go back to who I was. Not that who I was, was bad in that situation. It just is I didn't want to, that I wanted to be more conscious. And so I started....
Stephanie Allen:You've grown and evolved. So it's like you it's like a way of claiming it for ourselves. It's like wait a minute, I've worked hard to grow and learn and evolve and there's nothing wrong with who I used to be but I want to honor who I am now, too.
Maren Oslac:Yeah, and so it started me thinking down this whole rabbit hole of that's also true if I like you said if I go into a situation where I'm not comfortable, or I go home for the holidays. Whatever the situation is, how do I bring my present self with presence, who is a leader. You know, like you're talking about. It's like, we are such powerful beings, we've accomplished so much in our lives. And then we find ourselves in this situation where we go... Oh, I'm no one.
Stephanie Allen:So I am curious, how did it go? Like going back into the dance world after, you know, four years of being away from it? What did you notice about yourself? What did you recognize within that?
Maren Oslac:Oh...so I was hired to teach at an event last weekend and my teaching has changed and evolved. And I, I was really being aware in a different way. Like a deeper level of awareness of the people around me. And that was one of the things even throughout my whole dance career, that was one of the things that I was actually very aware of, I was like, I don't want this to be about me, I want this to be about the people around me. I was a very conscientious teacher and professional along those lines. And so it was very interesting to see it even at another level. Like, oh, there's even more there. Right? There's always more that we can do. And that's not an oh God...there's always more we can do, right? It's actually an exciting thing of like... oh! So that was what I noticed was driving home... I set an intention for what it was going to look like. Here's what I want to play with this evening. Which was that presence that I was talking about. Being aware of what's going on behind what appears for other people.
Stephanie Allen:So you were like witnessing, like, almost like witnessing yourself from a deeper level.
Maren Oslac:Yeah. It's also witnessing the other people. Yeah, on a deeper level. Yeah. So like, it's almost like, I know, in some of my worlds, people would say, well that sounds like you're out of your body. But that's not it at all, you're actually transcending, like you're allowing yourself to not be limited to the body, you're in the body, but you're expanding beyond that, to see all perspectives from a place of non-judgment, but out of curiosity, and wonder is what it sounds like. Oh, that's a great way to explain it. Thank you for putting words to what I couldn't. Exactly. And so when I was driving home, I recognized there were some places that I was able to do that. And there are others just like, Oh, I didn't see that while I was there. I wasn't aware of that. And so I'm kind of excited for the next time. I'm like, ooo... I want to try that again. Right? So like, what is the curiosity, the wonder, the exploration? Of, ooh...how much more can I evolve? And taking that into those places where, where it feels crunchy, where we normally do regress to somebody that we were in the past. You're going into it with the awareness, and then it becomes less of the have to, and more of the Ooo, I get to.
Stephanie Allen:Yeah, cuz I think there's a lot of belief that we can't change. Like, that's just who I am, or people don't change, you know, if they're always an ass they are always going to be an ass, you know, kind of thing or, which is really quite limited, very limiting, actually. But it's like, we do that to ourselves is I guess what I'm saying is that, like, oh it's too hard. And sometimes I'll find myself regressing into some things like that. And one of the things that Why is she coming up? Right? I like to use is like, oh, that was the old me. It's kind of like in a movie. You know, if you were filming movie, it's like, take one take two... okay, let's do a retake. Can we do a redo? To be able to create enough space within yourself, to catch it before it's like full on the end of the scene. Like to catch yourself mid scene, you know, and go... oh, wait, wait. That's the old me. And just to take a moment for yourself and go how, how do I want to be in this moment? What what needs to happen? Or who do I need to really presence right now? Because I'm feeling that old Stephanie coming up that's 14 that wants to just like, fight with her mother. And be right, and find her space and her place and it's like, wait a minute,
Maren Oslac:Right. Why is she coming up right now? Because what? What does that 14 year old need right now? Sometimes I'll do that. I'm like, that's the old way. That's the 14 year old me. That's the only thing... what does she need right now? she's obviously you know, a little bit triggered, or a lot triggered sometimes. But it's like, what is she needing right now and to be able to slow down enough to give yourself that space to have or to self reflect? That takes practice. It doesn't happen in the moment without practice. I always say When we were saying earlier that, you know, we've done a lot of work to evolve to who we are, that is the practice and doing it with more intention. So I really am hearing like three levels. One of the things you asked is how do we do this? How you do something when you don't need it so you will remember it do we become different people, when we're back in a situation, or we're uncomfortable or whatever? And I really am experiencing three kind of, three parts to this. The first is the desire to be a different person. Right? The awareness going into it. So if I'm, you know, going into an uncomfortable situation, and here comes the Maren that always goes into an uncomfortable situation. And she's the same person and I, I've evolved past that person. And yet I regress back. The intention of like, oh, I recognize that, you know, maybe going out to a bar or going to an interview or going wherever tends to make me anxious, so I want to do it when you do it. differently. When I'm going home for the holidays, I want to do that differently. I don't want to get back into the same co-dependent relationships that we always have, or the same argument with Uncle whoever. You know, so there's the first piece is saying, Yeah, I do want to do that differently. Recognizing that normally I don't, and it's right. I'm ready. And then the piece that you just mentioned, which is in the moment, recognizing when it spirals out, because you know what? You will.
Stephanie Allen:Yeah, and to do that with love? Yes, I think it's really important, because we tend to default again, the
Maren Oslac:Right. old, the old style, it's like, we beat ourselves up, we make ourselves wrong. It's like, oh my gosh, what's wrong with me? Why do I keep doing this... poor me? Or the blame and shame game? Right? Or? Yeah, they are such assholes. They bring out the worst in me and you blame them. And it's like, well, wait a minute, you're part of this to! So yeah, to really be loving and kind with both, and with all things because choosing something new doesn't mean where you're at is wrong or bad. It's just that we are meant to actually evolve and grow and
Stephanie Allen:And there's a lot of that. And that part is hopefully become better and better. And that's part of our part of our journey here as as beings as human beings is that the relationship to ourselves relationship to others, that it's meant to grow, and shift and change towards the better. Hopefully, at the end of our life, we can look back and say, oh, my gosh, I made a difference. Oh, my gosh, my life had meaning. Oh, like, I really became a better version of myself. And I don't know if many people take that practice, or that time or that self reflection in the journey of life to sit and look and say...well, wait a minute, am I growing in the way in the direction that is more loving, more kind more beautiful, more peaceful, more, more wise? Or am I just constantly reacting all the time, and I'm still kind of stuck in that same old 14 year old, I don't want to you can't make me screw you kind of energy? Or why bother I am getting old anyway, so I might as well give up. really hard on ourselves or on others. And that's where I'm suggesting the practice of just when you catch yourself in that to say, you know, what would LOVE do? How could I be more loving in this moment towards myself and towards a situation? And, you know, I just recently had a situation with someone that, you know, they it's, they were being so not rational, not rational at all. Part of me was like... oh my God, you want to do that, you could have had a V-8 and you want to pop them on the head, like what? Will you just come back? You know, because they're totally contradicting themselves. And I just heard inside of myself...what's the most... I do this a lot... this is my practice. I'll say what is the most loving thing to do? What I heard was just let them be in the mess. It's okay. You don't need to rescue them. They're not asking me for help. They're not asking you for your opinion. Just let just hold space for letting them be uncomfortable right now. And don't abandon them. Just love what is even though part of me wants to like, you know, shake them shake them right? Just wake up. Do you hear yourself? I don't know what to say to you right now. But I can say that about myself, too. I am sure.
Maren Oslac:I was just thinking that!
Stephanie Allen:You know, like you having a witness. There was that practice of as I'm practicing more loving kindness towards myself, and spaciousness towards myself, I had it for this other being. It doesn't just happen, you have to practice it. And it's not something that we learn in school or from each other, for the most part, you really do need to seek it.
Maren Oslac:And that kind of brings me to the third thing, which is a review process. Because when you said... here's my experience, When I set my intention, and I go about, okay, I'm gonna do it differently tonight. I invariably, get about halfway through, and then I fail, and I don't do it differently. So when I was driving home from the dance event, I was like, hey, I did it here, here, and here. And then I lost it. And you know, that loving kindness of instead of I should have because I like the whole shoulda, woulda coulda ought to, and the shame game. It's, it's like, a second grader shaming themselves for having second grade reading skills. That's where I am, right? I'm learning a new skill, I made an intention of I want to learn how to do this differently. So I'm going to do my best to show up. And the first few times, I wasn't able to show up at all. And then I started to be able to catch myself in the moment a little bit, and then a little bit more, and then a little bit more. And even with all the practice that I've done, there was still you know, there were some things it's like, oh, I could have done that differently. Interesting, right? Our teacher has this thing that he says he says, interesting creation. Instead of oh, I should have oh, I oh... if only oh, nope.... just interesting creation. Like you said earlier. Why did that show up right now? Why did that part of me show up? Why did that person who wanted to shame me show up? Why did that person, why did that question, whatever, you know?
Stephanie Allen:So I'm hearing you in this too. And I just want to, like, reassure those who are listening, because this is a 30 year journey that I've been on with these questions, and in my beginnings of that journey, 30 years ago, when someone said, so why did this happen? And you know what was your part in it? I would immediately go into shame. Judgment, and shame, and harshness, and I would want to push the person away, or tell them that you just need to go away, get out of my face. Why are you pushing me against this? Because I didn't know how to do the inquiry with loving kindness. Yeah, like, I didn't know how to do that. We are such a society of fix it now. And we're impatient. And we want you know, the quick million dollars, the lottery ticket, the instant healing. We just want it and it takes practice. Doesn't mean that that those things don't happen. But to really own it. And what I mean by that is to really nurture it, and savor it and embody it, that takes a practice. How many people you know, get an instantaneous healing or, or a lotto ticket, that they win money, and the next thing, you know, it's gone, you know, and then they beat themselves up even more, because we need to have that practice internally of building an awareness of like, okay, you know, sometimes it's like, when people meditate, they have, I hear this all the time, oh, I can't meditate, my mind is going all over the place. Yet, that's why you need to meditate. That is meditation, that the actual awareness that you have that your mind is going, it's actually the meditation, right? Oh, you thought meditation was this Ommmmmmm...like this incredible, like holiday
Maren Oslac:...like it was a oh, I'll hit bliss in a moment, right?
Stephanie Allen:That's a fluke. Like, if that happens, fantastic. But very, very rarely does that happen. Often if it does, it's kind of like your addiction hook to keep you coming back to the meditation.
Maren Oslac:It's kind of like, you know, life saying to you, yes, come back. Look at how right this is...
Stephanie Allen:Right. It's like you got a taste of it. Now you got to work for it. Now you got to own it, right? It's that same sort of thing. And so it's not about, and we talk about this in our rational world of achieving the goals and the dopamine hits, right. It's like, we want the instant gratification, but we don't know how to work for it. And that working for it doesn't mean you're doing something wrong. It's actually because you're doing something right. You're building a resonance, you're building an interior, state of being that when you have to go back home for your holidays, or you're going to your anniversary party or retirement party or you know alumni reunion, whatever it is that you can hold that state and that becomes your your new new. That's your new you. Right? And you could hold it. And you're not that. This is called resiliency. This is what we talk about resilience is that it is an internal practice. Yes, it's going to add, you know, you're going to be tested in the outer world. That's the only way we can know how we're doing. That's the feedback.
Maren Oslac:I love that because oftentimes we think of, you're going to be tested as a negative. And you did something wrong. Oh, that came up because I didn't do this well enough. That whole where we're not good enough. And it keeps coming up. I love what you just said about it is because we did something right. So as we become stronger, and we evolve, different situations come up, so that we can own that situation to and the next one. And that's what I think of when I think of this testing in the outside world is it's just another opportunity for me to own my mastery.
Stephanie Allen:Oh I love that. Its like owning your mastery.
Maren Oslac:Yeah. And I, you know, earlier when you mentioned, the overnight healing or the overnight success. Those are, you know, when we see them in the outer world, that's rarely true, that was truly an overnight success. Most overnight successes are 20 years in the making, because they worked through all of the different places, and they owned their mastery.
Stephanie Allen:And such a witness Maren to because no one saw what they did. They only saw the outer, but there's 20 years of internal working. And no one sees that. And sometimes we ourselves don't even see it. And I think that's what happens when we get tested in these different things and then you build those practices so you can look back and go... Oh, wait a minute, I see where I..., and you can do it with love and humor, rather than with blame and shame. It's like, Oh, my God, I call it a little booger. I go look at that. It's gross. But you think it like little children, they only walk around their nose is gonna run. It's like come here honey, I gotta wipe your nose. Like everybody else can see the booger, but you can't, but it's okay, it's got to feel uncomfortable. That's, it's like, that's kind of what it feels like. Oh, I get to see a little booger and I get to wipe it out, I get to move it. None of the shame and blame but of like, I caught it, I caught it. And to be able to catch it sooner. And it's really... it's really not that bad. It's really not that bad. And, but we so dramatize it. And sometimes it there are so many gifts, you know, there's a gift of owning it and learning and becoming aware and conscious. Then there's also something that I always say like people are as bad as you need them to be. So you'll become who you're meant to become. Sometimes this opportunity to unveil this hidden potential in yourself, you didn't even know was there. And, if we can look at it as you know, the old saying instead of I have to... I get to or that fascinating creation, interesting, interesting creation or... Wow, the awareness, the witness of the whole big picture. I was like, okay, this is really cool. I get to do this.
Maren Oslac:Yeah. It is such a different way of living. And it's literally you live in a different world than most of the people around you. And it really is. It's fascinating and there's so much joy. And if, I guess that's the one thing that, I guess the takeaway, if you can do those three steps, the takeaway is that you end up living a life of curiosity and joy and like absolute...
Stephanie Allen:That's playfulness, it's play. It's play. It's not hardship. It's not easy, but it's not hardship.
Maren Oslac:So the work, it changes. So what we think of work now of like, oh, it's hard. I need to do it. I have to. It becomes a joyful thing. Because it is. It's when we were kids, we learned through play, and we forgot how to do that as adults. And so it's getting back to that but for from a higher place, you know, where we bring consciousness to it and we choose to learn through play. I'm going to go play with this.
Stephanie Allen:So lighten up, y'all. Let's lighten up and play and take nothing personally. What is that saying? Isn't that the Four Agreements... take nothing, personally, least of all yourself.
Maren Oslac:Fantastic. Well, thanks so much for diving into this with me, Stephanie. It's been very fun. And hopefully the rest of you enjoyed it. Remember, you can find us on social media on Facebook and LinkedIn, at the Soulful Leader, and you can find our podcast website TheSoulfulLeaderPodcast.com And our business website is TSLP.life. That stands for The Soulful Leader Project. We would love to hear from you. We'd love to work with you. So if you're feeling like you want to reach out to us, please do. We'd love to have you. We'll see you all next week on the Soulful Leader podcast.
Stephanie Allen:And that wraps up another episode of the Soulful Leader Podcast with your hosts, Stephanie Allen
Maren Oslac:and Maren Oslac. Thank you for listening. If you'd like to dive deeper, head over to our website at the
https://thesoulfulleaderpodcast.com/
Stephanie Allen:Until next time,