The Power of Aligning Values

What if your life, and your business, could go from surface level, average, non-fulfilling to rewarding and filled with substance? 

Today’s podcast answers that question.

Self-awareness and introspection in identifying one's values, as well as recognizing and aligning internal and external values leads to deeper relationships, better decision-making, and a more fulfilling life.

Yet, most of us don't even realize what our values are. Our values were adopted, they got layered into our lives from very early on and we’ve not stopped to examine them, to see if they even fit us.

Today, Stephanie and Maren look at all of that AND go even deeper into values looking at both intrinsic (internal) and extrinsic (external) values, the difference between them, and why it’s useful to distinguish between them.

Many of us, as leaders, end up feeling empty and/or dissatisfied due to our culture’s focus surface, extrinsic values. When we take the time to identify AND align both internal and external values we end up with stronger teams and more balanced, harmonious lives.

• 00:31 Deeper reflection on values
• 03:04 Understanding Intrinsic & Extrinsic 
• 10:53 Imbalance: is it the precursor to mental and emotional illness?
• 14:41 Alternative to “win at all costs”
• 15:44 Where would you start?
• 17:46 Aligning external and internal values

TRANSCRIPT

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Transcript

Stephanie Allen: 0:04

In a world where we have everything and it's still not enough, we're often left wondering, is this really it?

Maren Oslac: 0:10

Deep inside you know, there's more to life. You are ready to leave behind the old push your way through and claim the deeper, more meaningful life that's calling you.

Stephanie Allen: 0:19

That's what we invite you to explore with us. We're your hosts, Stephanie Allen and

Maren Oslac: 0:25

Maren Oslac, and this is The Soulful Leader Podcast.

Stephanie Allen: 0:30

Yay! Hi! Welcome to The Soulful Leader Podcast. This is Stephanie and I'm here with Maren, and the topic today we are looking into our values. Now, I know we've talked about values in the past, but this is a deeper reflection on that, and I just had learned something in an inquiry the other day about values, thinking, I finally am starting to discover what my values are and getting really anchored with them. And then someone threw me a curve ball, and basically said... well, have you looked at your extrinsic values or your intrinsic values? I'm like, what on God's earth name are you talking about? I have no idea what I like. I thought I just got it all figured out. And I think that's the whole point is that values are something that you live by, and often we're told what our values should or shouldn't be. And you know, if you want to achieve something in this other world, then you know there are values that you need to align with to get there. But we don't often define them as outer, like extrinsic or internal or intrinsic. And it's really got me thinking and even looking at what are intrinsic goals, and how do you even discover them?

Maren Oslac: 1:59

I love that, because so many times I think that with values, we don't even realize what our values are. Like you started the conversation with... you thought you finally got it figured out, right? And the reason we don't realize what our values are is because we adopt them. They get layered into our lives from very early on in childhood and through subtle messaging and through advertising and through what we want and what you know and where we live. And so it's a deep dive to look at, what are our values. And so I guess for me, I've always thought that values are, by nature, intrinsic. They're internal.

Stephanie Allen: 3:02

Yeah, because nobody really knows them.

Maren Oslac: 3:04

Right! They're inside me. And when you mentioned that to me of intrinsic and extrinsic values, it did help me to be like, oh, so those are values about me and my internal life. And then there's also values about me and my external goals. Well, I like that word that you used goals, because it is kind of like how we how we interact with the world, our extrinsic values.

Stephanie Allen: 3:42

And I often think of like anxiety and depression and stress. It's often when we're not aligned with our values. But I hadn't really thought about them as intrinsic or extrinsic. And we might say, well, I am aligned with my values. My life is really good. I've got a lot going on and, you know I have a great neighborhood, I live in a good home, and I have got a great job, and I'm making a difference in the world. I'm checking all the boxes, but something's off. Something's off. I still feel like there's something missing, or I'm lonely or anxious or stressed about something, and I don't even know what it is. To me, that is the internal guidance of saying, then there's an internal or an intrinsic value that is off, that's needing to come up to be really honored, and that takes an inward looking exploration.

Maren Oslac: 4:40

So do you have an example of each of those? Of an intrinsic value and an extrinsic value that you could share?

Stephanie Allen: 4:50

Well, yeah, I mean, interesting. I just, I just led 20 women on an adventure and a tour. So as I was leading this tour with a group of women, I realized that there was 15 of them that were really harmonizing and and totally engaged and really easy to work with, and there were five that were absolutely irritating. And they were irritated as well - that nothing could make them happy. No matter what we did, it could be... good lord we could have had tea with with the King of England or something, and it still wouldn't have been good enough. Like it was just they were just really challenging. And I realized that the ones that were really challenging were totally based on the external. So there was certain things that were meant to happen in this tour, and because of circumstances, you know, there was a fire and rerouting and road closures and different things, we could not, no matter what happened, we could not go to those certain areas. So no matter what we replaced them with, it wasn't So the external marker didn't impact the internal. going to be good enough. Because they had signed up for an external measure. Now, the women that were totally okay with it were like, okay, it sucks, but it's out of my control. I can't really do anything, but I'm really on this tour for an intrinsic value of meeting friends and taking time for myself and enjoying the beauty in the world and learning something new, and they had a completely different operating system. It was much more in flow to be able to be with those women. And so when I look at it myself, you know, one of the questions they tend to ask me, which, it's funny, years ago, I left a province because the taxes were so freaking high. I was so irritated because I was doing my own business, and I was like, man, I'm paying a ton of taxes. This is ridiculous. I'm going to move to a province where I don't pay so much taxes, and then I'll be happier. So I did. So I moved. This is in my 20s. You know, these are the things you learn. And lo and behold, I realized I wasn't actually any happier. Not at all! Didn't even friggin touch it and yet. And it was just such an interesting experience to me. And then years later, I ended up moving back to the province that has a lot of high taxes, and I totally loved it. I realized that my internal value had a lot to do with inclusivity, like being able to have empathy for myself and others to to create an environment that nourishes and supports and grows and educates, and that I cared about the environment. Then I realized that all my high tax was actually going to those very valued things, but they're internal values to me. I was told the external value was about money, was about success, was about achievement, all those different things, but I was not honoring my internal. So even though I went to another place where I did have achievement and success and all those things, my internal values weren't honored. So I still wasn't happy.

Maren Oslac: 8:13

So really, it's about aligning the internal with the external and with ourselves.

Stephanie Allen: 8:23

Yeah, it's like that, inhale, exhale again. You know, it's like, not to say that the external is bad. It's not. It's just that it's empty and it's in, you know, it's incomplete without the internal.

Maren Oslac: 8:35

I was gonna say that it's not empty in and of itself. It's empty without the other side of it.

Stephanie Allen: 8:40

exactly.

Maren Oslac: 8:41

And if we just put all of our eggs in that basket, then we end up being irritated and irritating.

Stephanie Allen: 8:49

Exactly! And I thought, I think about the times in my life where I've made just the external values important, like, you know, okay, I'm gonna save money. I'm gonna work with 20 people and I'm gonna measure it. And again, I'm not saying that that's bad or wrong. It's just that if I haven't looked at the well... why? Why is that important? If I haven't looked at a deeper level that touches my heart and my soul... it's empty. And anytime I've ever tried to do just the external, I'm like you said, I'm irritating and irritated. I'm both. And then when I flip it though, when I actually just reorient my life from an internal place, and I let go of the external expectations or performance, not that I don't care about it. I'm not saying that. It's just that I'm not attached to it, that I know it's going to come another way, or that because I've put the internal first, I always make more of a difference, more money, I have more energy, I have more time, I have more everything.

Maren Oslac: 9:54

And you enjoy things more.

Stephanie Allen: 9:57

And I'm happier and I'm not irritating, or irritated!

Maren Oslac: 10:02

You know, I mean, with the women on your tour, if because of circumstances, you can't do what was planned, and you're so attached to that, that nothing else will measure up, you're not going to be happy the whole time, right? And, yeah I totally relate to that. I have done that to myself in my life over and over and over again, and to get to the place where I can let go of the outer expectation... of I don't know what is going to look like. It may or may not look... I've noticed that I say it may or may not look like I expected to, to be honest, it almost never looks like I expected to

Stephanie Allen: 10:47

exactly.

Maren Oslac: 10:48

And when I let go and surrender, it always looks better. It's always better.

Stephanie Allen: 10:53

Well and I also wonder if that is not the imbalance of our internal and external values, if that may not be the precursor to a lot of mental and emotional illness. And I'm using that because, of course, you know, been watching the Olympics, and I as a gymnast myself, I just love watching gymnastics, and very much a cheerleader of Simone Biles. Knowing in the last Olympic she admittedly took time for herself to say, I need to work on my mental health. And I was watching an interview with her where, you know, she had come second, and she had fallen off the beam, and she had, you know, she had made, not a perfect performance, which would have been an external value. And here she was saying to the newscast, she goes... 'I'm a different person now. The old me would have been completely a mess but I've been really working on those internal parts...' I'm not only talking of the floor exercise, that not only did she get second, but she also bowed to the woman who got first who got gold. To me that comes from an internal sense, and that's what the Olympics was all about, and what we look at business or life or community is really how can we help each other. How can we support and stand for each other? And that means we have to transcend and include the external values. But we can't just live from the external.

Maren Oslac: 12:27

I had the privilege of watching the pole vaulters, and they were essentially tied. It's a beautiful scene. So if you get a chance, there's a little recap on on YouTube. And they had a choice to continue so that there was eventually a winner, or to agree to be tied for a gold medal. And the interview afterward, what one woman said about it was that we were basically the same through the whole thing. Why? Why wouldn't we honor it? There's that honor, right? Why wouldn't we honor each other like that?

Stephanie Allen: 13:28

Yeah, yeah, it does come, it, it does come from a different place, doesn't it? It does. It comes from an inclusive place and a togetherness. And that doesn't mean that there isn't a push for for growth and evolution. In fact, I think that actually helps a lot easier to grow and evolve when you're pushing and growing together.

Maren Oslac: 13:50

Yeah when you know that you have support. One of the things that I noticed as I watched the video clip was that throughout the competition, they were cheering each other on. I loved that! So often in competitions, it's me versus you, and it was, they were pushing each other. They were cheering each other on, like neither of them wanted the other one to do badly in order for them to win. They wanted to win at the place where we both put all of ourselves into it, and I won. And then since they neither of them, I mean, you get to the point where you're just exhausted and you're like, okay, we're done, right? And so at that point, yes, now both of us walk away, holding our heads high and being like, yeah, we put everything...

Stephanie Allen: 14:41

They set a new precedence for these things, and I think that's what we're here to learn. Even in business, it's like that win at all costs, like...

Maren Oslac: 14:50

including the other person...

Stephanie Allen: 14:51

or the planet, or our ethics or our values, or like... why? For what point, for what purpose? It's like even relationships. It's like, you know, do you want to be right, or do you want to be intimate? Meaning, can we evolve to a place where we can be together and still have differences? Like that is... I think that takes a lot of internal work.

Maren Oslac: 15:18

And those are the intrinsic values of... I do value that, so I will pursue it. And I want to know what that looks like in the external world. And I think we got great, two great, examples of what that looks like. Having certain intrinsic values of community and cooperation and collaboration and taking care of ourselves, you know?

Stephanie Allen: 15:44

So for somebody who's listening and they're saying, gosh, you know, I'm just starting to kind of get a grip on my values, and now you're telling me I gotta kind of look deeper and look at my internal and my external? How would you... where would you start with somebody? What would you tell them!

Maren Oslac: 16:03

I think that for me, first of all, great question, because I don't know that it's a... here's the answer. I think it's a, let's explore this answer. Because, as we mentioned at the beginning, this is kind of a new concept for both of us, too, of values are not values are not values. We can actually start to pull them apart a little bit. Is that an intrinsic or an extrinsic value? So I think that would probably be where I would start is, if you have a list of values... I guess back up... what is your list of values? What are the things that you value in life? And actually write down those values and then look at them and say, is that an internal value, or is it an external value? And the way that I would probably tell the difference is if it's something that somebody else can see how much money I make, what kind of car I drive, what kind of house I have, it's probably an extrinsic value. If it's something that somebody can't see, like the fact that I value community and that I value mental health and my own health, and those are more intrinsic values, that's my my first stab at kind of what those differences are. What are your thoughts on that?

Stephanie Allen: 17:46

Like, I come back to my my taxes story, because I had to make peace with that. And I said, you know, I had to go into the internal values of my value is to make a difference in the lives of others, and to do what I've come to do. Meaning, I believe that every being has a unique... it's like a thumbprint. They have a unique signature. That there's something that they're here to do in this world, there is something they're here to become. And both here's your external and internal. And I wanted to be a good citizen. I want to make a difference. So when I came home, I said, you know, okay, I'm paying these taxes. Isn't it great? I have enough financial abundance that I can now contribute to the taxes, and those taxes are going for education and they're going for health care. Two values I deeply stand for, that I believe, and this is where I would go internally, I would say, you know, I believe everyone has a right to better themselves educationally, and that everyone has a right to health and well being. Whether it be physical, mental, spiritual, emotional health. And to me, that's a human right. So I started to realize that really my internal values are human rights and empathy and inclusiveness, and, you know, equality. I had to keep practicing that with myself too, like where I am not, where I'm not really equal within myself, where I shame parts of myself, or where I ignore parts of myself and exclude them, instead of bringing them together in a conversation with myself. So what I mean by that is that I become a witness of these parts. That the part that kind of gets irritated or irritable, and the other part that just wants to ignore it and go away... to bring both of those parts together because I need to practice that internally, inside myself, realizing there's a part of me that's really ticked off with these five women, say, on my tour, who were literally disrespecting everything. Then there's another part of me that wants to just ignore it, and I have to look at both. And I go... what is it? Do I care more about control and being, you know, a performer, or do I care more about the environment of which we're fostering and what it's teaching within me too? Because it actually brought up a lot for me to learn. So, yeah, I guess that would be my internal sense of, like taking time to look inside, not out of shame or blame, not out of guilt or any of those things, but just as a witness. It was such a good teaching for me too, because I

Maren Oslac: 20:52

It always will. think of in relationships, you know, are we in relationships with people because of their external or extrinsic values, because who they are you know? Like, who and what, their performance and what they're bringing into this? What kind of And I think, you know, everybody's in a different character are they? It's like that old saying of who are you place in their lives where sometimes we just need to do one when no one's looking? If you're friends with somebody, or in a relationship with somebody just because they're going to or the other. You know, I have been there where it's really introduce you to all kinds of great people... they're up to something, and they're really successful financially... then important to me to have all of that extrinsic, right? And then you're actually using them... in some ways, if it's just an external thing, versus going... they're a really great person, I've also been the places where I was like, I don't want to deal they're kind, they're loving, they're empathetic. You know, I'm a better person when I'm with them. I like myself more when I'm with them. To me, that's an intrinsic goal. It's with any of that. I just want to go inside. So, it's not about like there's something more going on under the surface than just an external. the judgment. It's not this one's better than that one, like

Stephanie Allen: 22:02

You will have a deeper relationship or you always say with the inhale and the exhale, you know, leadership role when you can be aware and then you know who sometimes we just get caught inhaling the entire time or exhaling the entire time, right? So wherever you are I think the you're serving and who, like I said, I look at these five women key is awareness - of like, hey, that's just where I am right now, and that's okay. I won't be here forever, you know? So I who were on my, we did not have the same intrinsic values. We think that the thing for me around really, they're just words... intrinsic and extrinsic and even values. And the value didn't, and I don't know if they even would have recognized what behind going deeper with it is not to define each of these their intrinsic values were, it's just, I can't convince them things in our lives, is to bring awareness to it, yeah, that's the uplevel. to have my intrinsic, that, you know, but I could accept that that's where they were, and that's where I am, and that's different.

Maren Oslac: 23:58

Right. So that's the benefit of the awareness, because when you can recognize, oh, we're just different, then it takes you out of the blame and shame game, and you can allow somebody to be where they are, and you don't take on all of their whatever they're projecting onto you. And so, it makes your life easier. And as leaders, that's huge, because we're constantly working with people who are at all different levels of awareness themselves and value systems, etc, etc. So the awareness piece is what will change your life.

Stephanie Allen: 24:42

Absolutely. And when we think of culture like, you know, a community culture or a workplace culture, when we can align in our values, not just extrinsic, but to really develop the intrinsic, that's when magic really will happen. And I think it's worth a chance and a willingness to to explore what they are and what they aren't.

Maren Oslac: 25:06

Yeah, that's awesome. So we would love to hear from you about your values in general, and what are your thoughts about whether, understanding the difference between intrinsic and extrinsic values, do you think it would serve you to understand that better? Or is it just something... a mental exercise? We'd love to hear from you so you can find us at The Soulful Leader Project www.tslp.life. You can also find us on social media at The Soulful Leaders. Thanks so much for joining us, and we will see you all next week.

Stephanie Allen: 25:54

And that wraps up another episode of The Soulful Leader Podcast with your hosts, Stephanie Allen

Maren Oslac: 25:59

and Maren Oslac, thank you for listening. If you'd like to dive deeper, head over to our website, at TheSoulfulLeader.com

Stephanie Allen: 26:10

Until next time...