The Soulful Leader Podcast
The Soulful Leader Podcast
When Doing More Still Isn't Enough
You live with a constant undercurrent of never feeling like you do enough, you are enough, or that you have enough.
It's exhausting.
That’s the result of being taught to look outside for your value and your worth, it leaves you empty. No matter how much you take from the outside and try to put inside, it doesn’t fill it.
Today, Stephanie and Maren talk about this very poignant, timely subject from the freeing place of inner mastery. Never feeling like enough, emotional instability and loss of control - all of that is healed from the inside out.
What if you could be SO connected and so clear about why you are here and what that means in your life, that it fills your cup and you are free? That external pat on the back, nice, and not necessary because you are already enough.
The marketers and ad executives don’t want you to know that everything you need is actually INSIDE you. The inner work, the inner validation is what sets you free.
- 6:57 true rest and monkey mind
- 10:39 the value of being uncomfortable
- 13:34 hot dog, salad, or something better
- 18:17 self-reflection isn’t narcissism
- 21:21 who is your exemplar?
REFERENCES
16:16 Going to a higher place/triangle - Ep 185 You’re Not Lost, You’re Being Called
22:43 Daniel’s Interview - Ep 67 The 3 Questions that Will Change Your Life
25:11 Jeff’s Interview - Ep 153 Bringing Out the Best
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In a world where we have everything and it's still not enough, we're often left wondering, is this really it? Deep inside you know there's more to life. You're ready to leave behind the old push your way through and claim the deeper, more meaningful life that's calling you. That's what we invite you to explore with us. We're your hosts, Stephanie Allen and Maren Oslac and this is The Soulful Leader Podcast. Yay! Welcome back to The Soulful Leader Podcast. We are talking about Inner Mastery again today, and today, we're talking about needs, getting our needs met, and really about validation. And when I say validation, you know, like, how are we when we need approval, when we need somebody, somebody to rubber stamp something, or somebody to say, hey, you're good enough, or, like, there's all of this, these needs that we have? And inner, the inner mastery piece is that it's nice to have those external validations of somebody saying, hey, nice job, and they're not needed. So it goes from a need to a hmm, nice to have. And I know myself so well, and I'm so in alignment with where I'm going and what's being asked of me from my highest, highest place, right, that I don't need it. It's not something that's driving me, because when something drives me, I'm not driving right? So when you feel driven by the need for a certain amount of money or accolades or recognition, all of those things now, all of a sudden, that means that you're not in charge. Somebody else can manipulate you really easily. Yeah you're out of control, and you're out of control also emotionally, too, because your emotions are going to be high and low depending on what the external validation or non validation happens. That's so true. So we did a podcast, I believe, two podcasts ago about, or maybe his last one, um, about that emotional regulation, right? And that's part of... it's so interesting, because inner mastery, there's, there's not clear delineations when we start to talk about the inner because everything impacts everything else, right? So like we're talking about right now, and you brought up that when we're looking for, when we need the validation from outside, then we don't get it from inside, which means we're now emotionally out of whack. Yeah, yeah. It reminds me, I have a little, little story that I read when I lead my yoga sessions, and it's about, it's about a beggar sitting on the side of the road, and a stranger comes up, of course, and the beggar is holding out his cap saying, hey, spare some change. Can you give me some change? And you know, the street person or the stranger says, um, no, sorry, I don't have any change. And then he asks the beggar, hey, what are you sitting on? And the beggar says, just this old box. And he goes, Well, have you ever looked inside? He goes, no, I've been sitting on this box for forever. Why would I look inside? You know, it's just an old box. He goes, well why don't you look inside? And so the beggar pries open the lid of the box, and it's filled with a treasure. It's filled with gold. And I think it's such a great metaphor, because here we are reaching out for change, not just money, but I'm talking like a change in our life, or like, what should I do? Should I go this way, or should I go that way? You know, am I right? Am I wrong? Am I good? Am I bad? And please tell me. Tell me who I am. Like you're always looking outside......one little tidbit of something. Right, here's this stranger saying well, what are you sitting on? Like, what's already inside you? Have you even looked inside of your own heart or your own soul? Because I can pretty much guarantee everything you're looking for outside of you is already inside, and you just haven't learned how to untap that or unleash that lid, you know, like, let it out. Right! And or go inside and look at it and be like, oh what is this? You know? And when you think about when you find a hidden treasure, right, you're going to get really interested and like, like, let's, let's dive in here and let's... what is this and what is that? That's right, you stay curious. Our culture. I think you might have been about to say this, our culture teaches us to shun it. Don't look there, that's scary, that's deep, that's dark, that's frightening. Like keep your attention out... here. And one of the things that's true about keeping our attention out there, is we're much easier to monetize. What I mean by that, yeah, right, is that we can be sold to. So it's better for the advertisers, it's better for the merchants, it's better for the people who want to control us,to keep our attention from what's inside the box. Keep it out here. Don't look in there, because now we have to pay to get our needs met instead of finding it inside. And there's that it lays down, you know, this constant feeling like you're never enough, and that's exhausting. It is exhausting. And so when you are looking outside for your value and your worth constantly, then you're empty. And no matter how much you take from the outside and try to put inside, it won't stay, because there's no landing. There's no place for it to land. But when you start to cultivate it internally, and even, like, what does that mean? Or even, I know many people don't even know, and that myself included, sometimes you can go, I just don't know what I need, you know? And there's times I'm like, yeah what do I need? I haven't stopped long enough to look inside yet, and our culture doesn't really lend us a space or time to make it be okay to just stop. And it is a process. It is a process. It's not a one and done. It's an ongoing conversation that you're having with yourself. You get to keep exploring that treasure chest, and it does take time and space. And you're right. Our culture doesn't encourage that or allow it. It's nope, show up on time and do this and do that. And the, you know, we have quite a few podcasts where we talk about being the, what do you call them? The good doobie dooby, dooby doobies...? Yeah we've got to be good..do be, and do be, do, be, do... like. We need both. We need to both do and we need to also rest. I call it, you know, resting is investing, you know, but it's, it's a you need to be present in the rest, not just like I'm just going to vacate, but to actually rest with an awareness of that I'm resting and letting go of tension. Such an interesting word, the vacate, because we are encouraged to go, go, go, go, go, and then go on vacation or binge shows or do anything except for get true rest. How many of you, I know that's true for me. When I go on a vacation, so often I need... I come home. I'm like, Oh my God, I need a vacation from my vacation, yeah, because that's not where rest happens. It's vacating, like you said. And this is why we can't sleep at night time. I mean, how often are we going, going, going, even all day long. And it's like the... I was having a conversation yesterday about monkeys, you know, the monkey mind, you know? And the monkeys are swinging from one branch to another, to another, to another, to another, and at night time, all they're doing is having a party in your mind, you know. They're just like, full on going, you know. And I've said this is what happens when we don't learn how to train our monkeys. The monkeys take over us, and our culture does not teach us how to train the monkeys. Right, like at the beginning, when you're not driving, when something you're being driven by, yeah, that means you're not that means the monkeys are driving. That's right. And the longer you wait to train those monkeys, the more out of control they become. And I don't say this from a shame part of it, because I think there's a lot of grace and gratitude and kindness with ourselves that when you start to realize that the monkeys are swinging from tree to tree and having a party, if we can, then say, okay, wait a minute. Now, I at least notice that. You wouldn't say to an infant, for example, we wouldn't say to an infant, why are you not...you know, up and walking already? I don't understand. Like, hurry up. Come on. You know, when a child, a little child, starts to take their first step, you celebrate, even though they've taken one step and they fall. You're like, Yay! You did one step, hooray! You can do it! You can do it. But we don't do that to ourselves. Like, if we catch the monkeys, you caught the monkey, yay! Congratulations! You caught the monkey, you know. And of course, the monkey's gonna do it again, but it, but you're it's like, we have to have training wheels. We're just learning too. So to be kind with yourself, that it's not the one and done, like you said before. It's not like instant mastery. I mean, it's an evolution. It's ongoing, and so to find a way to actually fall in love with it. And isn't that interesting? That word fall in, inside... love. It's like, you know you're you're wanting love outside of yourself. It doesn't matter how far you look if you, if you don't start cultivating with inside yourself, love will show up, and you won't be able to recognize it or receive it. You'll just walk right on past it. You know, it's not just about love. I mean, that's about the the job you've always dreamed of, or the home that is your ideal, like you won't... it will just right, go right by you. There's that, the process of training for that is not in the external world. It's in the internal world. And that sounds like a strange thing to say, but it's true. So the great mystics. I'm using this in the way of health now too, because this is another way... we tend to want, as our society wants, to block the pain. Oh, the pain is so hard. It's so much. I just, I just need to take a painkiller. Cut it out, burn it off, you know, eliminate it, poison it. Do whatever we can do with it. Just get rid of it. And in the mystics tradition, the mystical tradition, they would say that in the pain is where the treasure is. So just like that beggar on the street sitting on that box in the pain, if we can learn how to open it up, and I don't mean physically open it up, I mean emotionally, mentally, spiritually, go in and look at it, there is a huge amount of gold that is within that pain. It takes energy, it takes practice, and it's not easy, it you know. But we're a society that doesn't want to be ever uncomfortable or in pain. And there is a time and a place to just like, let go of the pain, you know, be done with it, and, you know, do something. And if we can start in, I love the word that you just used, uncomfortable, if we can start in the uncomfortable places of the training wheels, of just going into uncomfortable places and being like, I'm gonna be uncomfortable and it's okay, because beyond uncomfortable, then it gets to be painful. And when we can't even embrace or step into uncomfortable, then it becomes pain because we shove it and we block it, and you know, we've talked a lot about that, and you can go back to our prior podcasts and listen to more on why that happens and how that happens. It just is, it does happen. And so that's where, okay, I just need a painkiller, or I need to get that person out of my life, or I need to quit that job, or I need whatever the external manifestation of that pain is because there's an internal version of it, and when I don't address the internal, then I hand my autonomy over to the external. I hand my sovereignty. It's so funny because Stephanie and I were talking about, like, what do those words mean? Yeah, so when you say autonomy or sovereignty, you know, what does that really mean? Can...and we were having an example, and I said, you know, really it's, it's your free will. And so when you hand that over, you hand over your free will, then you're a victim. You are literally at the whim of everybody else's decisions. And that is not a healthy or happy place to ever live like you just feel like you can barely survive. So like on a on a day to day basis, one of the places that we often times do this very thing is say, Stephanie and I are going out to lunch, and I say, you know, Stephanie says, well, where do you want to go? And I'm like, I don't know. I don't care, but Stephanie's like, okay, I want to go for hot dogs. And so then I go for hot dogs. And I didn't want a hot dog. I hate hot dogs, and I try to find something on the menu, and it's all junk food, and I just am like, I'm angry. Now you're pissy. I'm angry and I'm pissy, and I complain about Stephanie for the rest of the day and my meal, and the headache that I got from eating the hot dog, and how bloated I feel, and all of this And I'm feeling like, well, what kind of friend are you? You are stuff. so ungrateful. You gave me the power to choose, and now you hate me for it. How often do we do that for people? Right? We put people in leadership roles or in positions, and then we hate them for it. But you put them there, you put them there. And that's what handing your autonomy over... like I gave my choice, my free will over to Stephanie, and... because I then I chose.......because she chose. So okay, now the internal work would have been if I had said to if Stephanie had said to me, you know, where do you want to go eat. And I had said, you know, I'd really like a salad. And she said, well, I really want a hot dog. Okay, so now we're on opposite ends, and it's like, okay, salad or hot dog. And normally, that's, that's what often people do, is like, well, let's compromise. I'll, I'll have the salad this time and but then I'm getting the hot dog next time, but it's like, becomes transactional, like I did that last time, so I'm gonna do it this time. And, and it's an either or instead of a both/and. And what I mean by the both/and it's like, let's ask another question. So Maren, why is it that you want a salad? Like, what is it about a salad that you want? Is it something that you're just craving, or is there something more to that? Right? So I might say it's, like, because I've been trying to eat more healthy, and I really, I know you want a hot dog, but I just, I can't have another hot dog. I had one last week, you know, or whatever it was. And so then I would say the same thing to you, what is it about a hot dog? And, like, what? Yeah. And I might say, Well, I just, I only have, like, 20 minutes, and it's around the corner, it's local, and I can grab it, and I can be satisfied. I'm not really caring about so much, about the healthy of it. It's the more of the time or the money, even right? Just like, oh yeah, it's right there. The convenience. So now Yeah, and to look within for that gold. we're at healthy and convenient instead of hot dog versus salad, and we're only on that timeline. We can go healthy and convenient. Okay, what around here has got healthy and convenient? And now I'm not attached to a salad, maybe it's soup, maybe it's something else, and you're not attached to a hot dog, it's okay. I want healthy and convenient. So we went to a higher place. And last podcast we did, we talked about that and that, thinking of things in terms of a triangle of instead of that base, the base of the triangle being an either or, it's looking at okay, like you said, the both and which is, means you have to do some inner work. You have to actually ask more questions. Right! Be aware of what's going on inside of you. Instead of begging outside for things to be different, you go inside and say, well, what is it that's important to me, and why? It opened up. And what would what would have to happen for us to ...what if we could have it all? Yeah, and so now we're talking about the salad and hot dog and we've let that go, but now we're saying, oh, now it's about healthy and convenient. Wow. All of a sudden, the options just shifted. It opened up. And we may end up going to some place that we didn't even think of in the first place, but we've done it together, and now we are both getting our needs met because we looked inside. So this is the key. We now are both getting our needs met right, because we looked at what the needs were inside first. It's like the inner has to come first, or the outer will always... it just, it's empty. I mean, how often have you, have you said, oh, I want this and I want that, and then you go, and you get in, you're like, that's it. I was gonna say... So unsatisfied Right. It's not satisfying. And then you complain about it. No, yeah, instead of looking inside, like, what is it that really matters? What is the deeper question? It does. It takes self reflection. And we're...as a culture, I wish we could be more self reflecting. I think sometimes we confuse self reflection with narcissists. Of like, it's all about me, it's all about my stuff. And it's like that is so far from narcissism. It's being able to go self reflection and go, what is it that I'm needing and why is it that I'm needing that? Where is it coming from? To be able to quest, to ask more questions. I think the why question is the one that that kind of maybe separates that, because a narcissist would say, like, it's my way or the highway. That's right. It's black and white. Or if someone asks a narcissist, hey, well, why do you want that? The narcissist will take that as a defensiveness of like they have to defend themselves. And that you're trying to attack me, and it's like, no, I'm just, I want to know I want to know you more. But the narcissist has the inability to self reflect, it has a hard time. The narcissist has a hard time going in. So my husband, who is not a narcissist, that's not why this came up. He has run multiple teams on international businesses at an international level, and one of the things that he always said was that he would listen to everybody on his team. He wanted everybody's input. He wanted to know where they were, why they were, why they had the opinion that they had. He wanted... he would always talk to everybody. And then he made it clear, like, just because you've given me your input doesn't mean that's the decision I'll make, because at the end of the day, buck stops here. He is the leader, right? So he would then take all that into account and also make his own decision. And the reason that this came up when you're talking about narcissists is narcissists don't do that. They don't take other people into account at all. It's... it's.. my... not inclusive... Right. It's not inclusive. And the why question that I was thinking about of Jeff, not only would talk about his own... like to all of his people, about what is it that you're looking for and why. He would also ask that for himself, like in the big picture, for all of these people, the best, for the business firms, like he included all of it. And then he would look at the why... why? Why is that true? And that's the self reflection piece, and it can get to be that big, and as leaders, that's, we're expected to do that. That's our role, and that's the role. That's what the way a soulful leader shows up, versus just a leader who's like, all right, throwing darts at a dart board, or all the external reasons, and they're not looking at the internal reasons, you know. So it is a practice. It doesn't just happen, and it's an ongoing practice. And to be able to do it with curiosity and wonder and inspiration, because as you start to develop within yourself, it's so much, so much more enjoyable to do it with others, too, and you don't take things so personally. Oh, like, you don't wear it, you don't you don't feel so heavy and worn down by life. You're like, well, that's really interesting, I wonder where they're coming from? or I wonder what that's I wonder what that's about? And then you have the courage to be able to connect rather than project. So the person that I, you know, one of the things we always encourage you guys to do is find exemplars. An exemplar is somebody that you... that does something extraordinarily well that you want to do, or they think a certain way, they do a certain thing. They're an example for you in life. So my exemplar for this piece of inner mastery where I'm not looking at the external world, for my validation, for my reason for being, for getting my needs met, is our coach, Daniel Goodenough and we've talked about him quite a bit, and we actually interviewed him on one of our podcasts. You can go back and find that it was in season one. I think the thing for me about Daniel is he is so connected and so clear about why he's here and what that means for him, what that calls him to do every moment that there is no need for an external pat on the back. If he gets it, great. That was nice. Thank you. If he doesn't get it, that's okay. I'm going to continue on my way, because I'm so... his conversation with the one who sent him is so clear, it's absolutely amazing, and that is what I want for myself in my life, and have been working towards for the last 30 years with him, and I'm getting closer and closer. I'm nowhere near where he is seven decades in right? And if there is an exemplar out there for how you want to be, how you imagine getting to that place in yourself, where you feel so confident and so in alignment that it's both that nothing will take you off track, and you're not necessarily needing, you don't need somebody's approval, or, you know, you can't be sold to, essentially. And yet, you're still open enough to listen to someone else's opinion of like, oh, it's an interesting I'm gonna take a... you're able to not reject it. You can listen to someone from their...I don't like the word criticism, but from their point of view. And to be able to take it and go, that's an interesting perspective. I hadn't thought about that before. I'll take a look at that. You're not...you're not trying to push back, or you're not trying to defend it, Because you're so secure in yourself you don't need to. And that's the beauty of it, and that's why I think of Daniel, again, as an exemplar, is because he is so secure in who he is, and he is aware of the fact that everything in life speaks. So if I have feedback for him, that's interesting. Tell me more, you know. And that's the way that that Jeff was as well. Like, that's interesting. Tell me more, I want to understand. He wanted to understand. And we also did a podcast with Jeff. It's somewhere in the 150's, I think maybe 153 so if you wanted to learn more about Jeff, you can check it and on that. I'm not sure which season that was, season two, maybe... so well, hopefully that helped you guys to get to a place in your own lives, of, it's okay to look inside, you know, and the awareness of, hey, I need that person's validation. That's okay, too. Those are the training wheels, and we all wear them. There's some place in our lives, every single one of us where we have training wheels on. So I hope you'll join us for that and look for our Inner Mastery coming up in in this year, in July, and we'd love to hear your you know, your insights and awareness, and hopefully you'll join us on the journey, and if not in Inner Mastery, at least in our continued unfolding of our podcasts. Thanks so much for listening. We'll see you next time on The Soulful Leader Podcast. And that wraps up another episode of The Soulful Leader Podcast with your hosts, Stephanie Allen and Maren Oslac. Thank you for listening. If you'd like to dive deeper, head over to our website, at the www.TheSoulfulLeaderPodcast.com Until next time...