The Soulful Leader Podcast
The Soulful Leader Podcast
The Real Cost of People Pleasing - and How to STOP
There are very real costs to people-pleasing, and you’re likely living them - the quiet resentment that builds after a hasty yes or the loss of trust that happens when someone can’t deliver on a promise.
People pleasing doesn't please, it erodes: trust, time, and energy.
With a memorable five-year roof story and hard-won lessons from work and relationships, Stephanie and Maren unpack why “just because I can” doesn’t mean “I should” and
- map a practical path out of the “pleasing” loop
- share the four questions to ask before saying yes
- offer a fresh lens on procrastination as misalignment
- talk about human-centered leadership skills to eliminate the “pleasing” disease
- share ways to reset agreements when you’ve already said yes
- invite lighter “yesses”, kinder “nos”, and work that is honored
😣 If you’ve ever stayed too long in a role or relationship because you didn’t want to disappoint
🧐 If you are ready to reduce overcommitment, prevent burnout, and turn uncertainty into useful information
🫣 If you struggle to say no
👉🏻 this conversation - filled with truth, tools, and relief - is for you. 🙌
If this resonates, subscribe, share it with a friend who overcommits, and leave a quick review to help others find Soulful Leader.
Then tell us: Which question will you ask yourself before your next yes?
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In a world where we have everything and it's still not enough, we're often left wondering, is this really it?
Maren Oslac:Deep inside, you know there's more to life. You're ready to leave behind the old push your way through and claim the deeper, more meaningful life that's calling you. That's what we invite you to explore with us. We're your hosts, Stephanie Allen and Maren Oslac.
Stephanie and Maren:And this is The Soulful Leader Podcast.
Stephanie Allen:Yay! Hi, welcome to The Soulful Leader Podcast. And today we are talking about an interesting subject, people pleasing. Like, have you ever, you know, have you ever really wanted to make a difference in someone's life, or you wanted to give them a gift, or you wanted to do something really nice, and you found yourself saying yes to something that you wish you had said no to. And then it's too late because now you're already drowning and your nose is barely above water and you realize you can't swim. Like that's kind of what people pleasing does. It's, you know, it's interesting... it's a nice thought, but not such a helpful behavior.
Maren Oslac:I think it also... it shows up in innocuous ways. What I mean by that is we don't even realize it's happening, it's so in embedded in our culture and how we do things and and expectations that we don't even realize that it's happening. Like the expectation is that yes, somebody I should take there. There's the "shoulds", right? The "shoulda, woulda, coulda, all to's" that you love to talk about of like, oh, I should take care of that. So you just automatically do, or you say that you will, but then it it ends up this like this big rolling stone of... oh my god, why did I say yes to that? And I not like you said, now I have to do it, now I have to find time for it. And so you put your own stuff on the back burner, and then there's the resentment that builds, and then it can turn into anger, and then it can like all of this stuff comes along with it.
Stephanie Allen:Yeah, it comes down like when you say the shoulda, coulda, woulda ought to's, it's like sometimes you want to say to yourself, Yes, I can do that, but is it mine to do? Should I? Am I the one to do this? Just because I can doesn't mean I should.
Maren Oslac:And I think even further, just because society or this person or my relationship with this person or some part of me that feels duty bound says I should... doesn't actually mean that I should.
Stephanie Allen:So it's interesting, yeah, as an example, my roof needs to be fixed. So if anyone who's listening over there needs to ' help me' help me out... I need my roof fixed. And we have had someone who had done you know, has done roofing for us for like literally decades. And I asked them five years ago, literally, it'll be five years that my... initially when the roof wasn't really in that bad of a shape, but now it's in bad shape. And God loved them. They kept saying, Yeah, yeah, yeah Steph I'm gonna come do them, I'm gonna come do it. And then they wouldn't show up. And then there would be another excuse. Oh, well, I have to wait till at least there's 10 days in a row where there's no rain. Well, we're in a dry spell, like we've had pretty much two months. That's more than 10 days, at least my math tells me so. And so what's happening though is that I believe, I not know this for sure, but I believe that this person said yes because we've had a long-standing relationship and a good relationship. And they don't want to disappoint.
Maren Oslac:Sure, they want to do it...
Stephanie Allen:...they want to do it.
Maren Oslac:I want to, I want to be there, it's...
Stephanie Allen:...it's not really where the direction of their company is going anymore. And just because they can do it doesn't mean they should do it. But if I say no to Stephanie, then I'm gonna let her down. And I really like Stephanie, so I don't want to let her down. So therefore, I'm just gonna keep saying yes and not show up, which really also lets me down. That makes sense. And I'm I'm not putting blame out on them, I can see it where I do it myself. I'm catching it because I think when we care about somebody, you know, we really like them, or they're a good person, or they... it's a great project. It has a lot of meaning and potential to this project, and we get excited about the possibilities, but we go, yeah, just because I can do it, is it really mine to do? And I've said yes many times and then resented it. And I think that's also where procrastination comes from, too. Sometimes procrastination isn't because you're procrastinating, sometimes it's because it's not yours to do. And I'm saying that to myself right now.
Maren Oslac:Yeah. Two two kind of ironic things. One of them is procrastination can come from like two places on those extremes of like it's absolutely mine to do, and I'm scared of the success or the failure that might come with it. Right. And sometimes it's it's not even mine to do. The other ironic thing is that people pleasing actually doesn't please either party.
Stephanie Allen:Yeah.
Maren Oslac:So in truth, the person who is the one who's doing the pleasing, you're doing it for all the wrong... we, and I'll say you because I'll turn that around to say "we" because I do this too. Like for me, I when I do stuff like that, I do realize at some point that I've done it for all the wrong reasons. And then I get to look at, like I said before, the resentment that I have because oh shit, I still need to do that thing for that person that I promised, and why did I do that? And the anger that starts to build up and all of that stuff. The "please-e", the person I'm doing it for, is not actually pleased, as you just heard from Stephanie, right? Five years later. It's like it would have been much better five years ago or four years ago, or what you know, like whenever is the right moment, which is when you realize I really shouldn't be doing this, that's the right moment to say, you know what, I'm so sorry. I know I said yes, and it's really not something I can do because that's when you set the person free to find out the person, to find the other person that's meant to do that for them.
Stephanie Allen:You know, yeah, and this can be so true even in just like relationships. I think there's people that stay in relationships. I've been in that situation on both ends, where you stay in a relationship too long. Yeah, not because it's the right relationship for you or for them, but because you they're such a good person you don't want to hurt them. And you question your own sanity to say, well, what's wrong with me? Why don't... why don't I like this person? Why why am I not in love with them or whatever? But we just say, well, I'll just keep working on it, I'll just keep working on it. And we just stay instead of saying, wait a minute, let's have a conversation. I mean, I've been on both sides of that situation. One, you know, being in love with somebody and them really coming to a realization that after a few years going, you know, we're not a good fit, which I'm pretty sure the person probably knew we weren't a good fit, probably within the first month or two of us even dating. Because I've been on that other end too, where I've stayed too long because I've doubted myself. Like I thought there was something wrong with me. Maybe I'm, you know, in self-sabotage or something like that. And so when I say this, the reason I'm saying this is that as long as we don't know ourselves...if we, and I don't mean concretely, like I'm this type of personality, I'm black and I'm white, or this or that, it doesn't matter. That's not what I'm saying, is like when we haven't got a practice to discover what is going on internally, then we will literally stay in a cloud of people pleasing and self-doubt and lack of confidence and lack of motivation, and we'll call it procrastination, we'll call it depression, we'll call it anxiety, we'll call it all kinds of things. And when you start to move on that path of like, who am I? What are my gifts and strengths? What is my life's unfolding purpose really meant to offer? And I'm saying this because I'm in a state of my life right now where I'm losing a lot of people. They're transitioning through death, and I'm reading their obituaries, and I'm like, wow, is that what it comes to? Like at the end of our lives, we're just kind of summed up to a couple paragraphs. And if that's true, how how does one want to be remembered? How does one want to be, you know, how are you going to give your gifts and strength? What are your gifts and strengths? Do you know? It's just something that's really been percolating in my heart and soul lately. And noticing where I recognize people pleasing in other people, and I don't call it. And when I don't call it on myself, too. Like, wait a minute.
Maren Oslac:I think that I'm so glad you brought that up because I think it's hard to call somebody on their people pleasing. I had a woman that I worked with and she she wanted to she wanted to work with us because she really loved what we were doing. And so it became a conversation. The conversation was she asked, well, what is it that you need done? And we had a list of things that we needed done. The thing that I responded back to her though was it's not so much about what we need done, it's what would you like to do? And let's find the overlap of what you want to do and what we need done, and then we'll meet there. And she didn't get that.
Stephanie Allen:Well, it's a different paradigm, isn't it? It's like a very different paradigm. People don't tend to... like it's like 'file not found'.
Maren Oslac:Yes.
Stephanie Allen:What are you talking about? I don't understand. Well, you asked me, you're hiring me for a job, and you're giving me a list of things that that need to be done, and now you're telling me I can do whatever I want. Like that's sometimes how it goes.
Maren Oslac:Right.
Stephanie Allen:Instead of saying, hey, we recognize you have some gifts and strengths, you really like what we're about. Where can you apply your gifts and strengths to bring us to a whole new place that we might not even know we can go?
Maren Oslac:And that's a different paradigm. That is, and that's the the leadership paradigm that that we work with is we the whole reason that we're talking about people pleasing is because in order to, as I mentioned, right, people pleasing doesn't please either party, so both parties get let down. So why do we even call it people pleasing, right? It's not pleasant, it doesn't actually
Stephanie Allen:relationship destroying,
Maren Oslac:It is, it's very much destructive. So the way that Stephanie and I work is that we do do it from a different paradigm. We're like, who are you? So the antidote to people pleasing is knowing yourself. Because when I know myself, I know what I... it's like, like you said, I can do that, and it's not mine to do. So let me give you some ideas of somebody that could, or just flat out, I can do that. And I just, you know what, it's not mine to do. So now I free the person up to find the right match. Because what ended up happening with me and this this lovely, lovely woman who really, really wanted to work with us was that we went through the process of her getting to the point of realizing all the list of our to-dos that we needed to get done. She's like, Oh, you know what? I'm so frustrated, I'm not good at that. And this is where I say it's hard to call somebody on their people pleasing because she needed to find that out for herself. And at the same time, it cost us, there's always a cost to people pleasing. So, what it ended up costing me is our time and energy and effort spent getting her to the point of recognizing that's not the right thing for me, versus that same amount of time spent, okay, we could have found somebody in the meantime. And I don't mean that as a shame thing. I think it was a great exercise for both us and for her. And I learned a lot in that process. I do also think that there is this hard, it is hard to call somebody on their people pleasing because they have to, you know, that recognition has to come from within them. It is about, I don't know if it's the only antidote for people pleasing. There are probably others. And one of the most powerful and clear ones is I know myself when I know myself, and like you said, not from the concrete place of like, well, here's what I like. From that ongoing, discovery place that in, you know, we talk about inner mastery from that inner mastery place. When I know myself, I can say clear no's.
Stephanie Allen:So maybe one of the things we can look at is that when someone asks you to do something for them, to take a pause... to really take a pause and and ask yourself, where is your response coming from? Is it coming from a place because you love and you want to please them? That's okay. But ask another question. You know, is this really yours to do? Or can you guide them to someone else who could actually do the job better and more beautifully? That's about surrendering one's ego.
Maren Oslac:I think there's also a third question of, you know, like you said, is if you, you know, you're doing it because you love this person or you really believe in what they're doing. If you imagine yourself doing that work in three months, in six months, in addition to what you're already committed to or what you really want to be doing, does it feel heavy or does it feel like, yeah, that's great.
Stephanie Allen:That's great.
Maren Oslac:I'm aligned, like I'm totally aligned. That's what I want to be doing. In which case, I'm gonna need to offload some of these other things.
Stephanie Allen:Okay, and then I even have a fourth one because you might even say, look, I'm not sure because how many of us really know?
Maren Oslac:Right.
Stephanie Allen:We don't know how it's gonna unfold either. It's like, I'm really not sure if I'm the right person to do this. Would you be willing if I tried it out for a month or you know, as a time limit or whatever? You know, and if it works for you, great. If it doesn't, great, you know, it's okay. And if it doesn't work for me, I'm/ we're okay. Like we can reassess in a month's time. It's kind of like that trial. I love because sometimes we don't know we like something until we try it. And then we're like, who knew that I had this gift in me? Or who knew that I actually really enjoy this? You could be surprised.
Maren Oslac:I think if we had approached for me, you know, like me and this woman that that were working together, if we had approached it from that place, it would have been less frustrating for both of us, rather than yes, you're the person like crunch, crunch, crunch, right? I love that. Like, let's, if you're not sure, it's okay to not be sure. That's another thing in our culture. Maybe we need to do a podcast on that too. It's okay to be unsure.
Stephanie Allen:Y eah, to not know.
Maren Oslac:To not know, you know,
Stephanie Allen:...to be in the unknown. I don't know.
Maren Oslac:Would you mind my playing with that and experimenting? Or do you need somebody like tomorrow? If you need somebody tomorrow, maybe finding somebody else would be great. If you can play with it and you've got the time, I would love to try that out. Right? I think that's a fourth question.
Stephanie Allen:I know we could probably come up with a few more. But what I guess I'm putting it out to those who are listening is like, do you recognize when you're people pleasing? And then you regretfully say, Oh, what did I say yes for? Or you begrudgingly go, oh, I have to go and do this, or I have to, you know, to really look at that. And if you can do to look at yourself with love and kindness, because we all... that's a it's a that's a discovery process. Congratulations. You're discovering who you are and who you're not, and also to asking, like, where it's coming from. Like, do I say yes because it's just, you know, I want to be close to this person or I want to feel like I'm loved or that I'm valued, or is it really coming from a place that, hey, this is really effortless for me? I can totally do this and I love this, and I would totally make a difference, you know?
Maren Oslac:Yeah.
Stephanie Allen:Just to have that space for yourself to do inquiry.
Maren Oslac:And I think that goes back to your first, like the first thing to do is pause.
Stephanie Allen:Yeah.
Maren Oslac:Like, don't automatically agree, put a pin in it, say, hey, could I get back to you about that? And really breathe with it and come up with there are alternatives to yes and no. Imagine that. There you go. I like it. Yeah. And I just want to add one last thing is if you're in a situation where you've already agreed to something and it's weighing you down, have a conversation.
Stephanie Allen:Yeah. I just set yourself free or set them free, have a conversation.
Maren Oslac:I read that, I think it's a Taoist saying about the best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago, and the second best time is today. Same thing. The best time to have not people pleased is when it was first asked, and the second best time is today. So have the conversation. So cool. I love this one, and, I hope you guys did too. If you're interested, you can find us on our Facebook in our Facebook group or our LinkedIn group, both at the Soulful Leaders. We're on YouTube at the Soulful Leaders, and our podcast comes out every other week. You can usually get a blog post from us on those intervening weeks at www.TheSoulfulLeaderPodcast.com So join our email list, and we'll see you in two weeks on the Soulful Leader Podcast.
Stephanie Allen:And that wraps up another episode of the Soulful Leader Podcast with your hosts, Stephanie Allen...
Maren Oslac:...and Maren Oslac. Thank you for listening. If you'd like to dive deeper, head over to our website at www.TheSoulfulLeaderPodcast.com.
Stephanie Allen:Until next time...