The Soulful Leader Podcast
The Soulful Leader Podcast
Pick Your Hard: Stress Less, Live More
Ever had a simple task become overwhelming?
👉🏻 It’s not the task, it’s the story we’re telling ourselves ABOUT the task!
This week, Stephanie and Maren dive into the cost of “it’s so hard” and trace where the heaviness really lives: not in the action itself, in the narrative we keep rehearsing. From a timeless Zen parable about two monks to a very modern yardwork fiasco, they unpack how righteous justification sneaks in, drains energy, and keeps us resentful when a small reframe could set us free.
This episode includes a practice around questioning the belief that’s running the show, and then observing it rather than absorbing it. The payoff is real: less reactivity, clearer boundaries, more creative options, and relationships that feel lighter.
Have you ever wished you had a single compassionate line that diffuses defensiveness and preserves your energy? You’ll want to listen to today’s podcast!
If this resonated, follow, share with a friend, and leave a quick review—what story are you ready to drop?
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In a world where we have everything and it's still not enough, we're often left wondering, is this really it?
Maren Oslac:Deep inside, you know there's more to life. You're ready to leave behind the old push your way through and claim the deeper, more meaningful life that's calling you. That's what we invite you to explore with us. We're your hosts, Stephanie Allen and Marin Oslac.
Stephaine and Maren:And this is The Soulful Leader Podcast.
Stephanie Allen:Yay! Hi, have you ever really struggled with something? And you're like, man, this is so freaking hard, and you just can't seem to let it go. And you've done everything. You might have said something to someone to try to make them change, and they still keep doing it, and you're like, frig, this being in a relationship is hard, or this losing weight is hard, or this, you know, working out is changing my health is really hard. And we just say that, oh, it's so hard, it's so hard, it's so hard all the time. And I wanted to start with a story with that because it kind of leads into what Maren and I are gonna unfold today a little bit. But there's a story of a... it's a... I think it's a Zen or a Buddhist story, and it's about two monks that are going along on a silent pilgrimage. They're walking along the side of a river, and they come to a crossing and the river has been flooded, the bridge is no longer there. And the older monk sees that there's a woman who's struggling to try to get across the river. Now, as Zen monks, they have taken a vow of not only silence, but also of not touching another female. But this monk sees that this woman is really struggling, and he picks her up and he carries her across the river and sets her down. And she no more says thank you or what kindness, she's just like totally self-righteous and indignant about the whole thing. And on they go on their pilgrimage and you know, continue walking. But after about an hour, the younger monk says to the older monk, I'm sorry, I have to break my silence. This is driving me crazy. He goes, first of all, you broke our vow, the vow to help or you know to pick up the woman and took her across. And then she never even said thank you. He said, I am just so annoyed how rude she was, how absolutely disrespectful she was. And the older monk turns to look to the younger monk and says, I put her down an hour ago. Why are you still carrying her? And I think there's a real key to that when we get going on in our 'oh, it's so hard, it's so hard'. What is it that's giving it to us? Like what is it, what is the need within ourselves that we are expecting another in the outer world to fill it for us, whether it's a system or a person or I don't know, the weather or something, but we just get so irritated.
Maren Oslac:So you know I think to help clarify why and how that story applies to the hardness in our lives. Like, it's like there's there's the doing - the action of carrying this woman across the river, right? So there might be an action that needs to be taken in our lives. You mentioned losing weight or being in a relationship or whatever, right? So that's the action in and of itself, and then what oftentimes makes it feel so hard is the story we tell ourselves.
Stephanie Allen:Oh, yeah. Oh, big one right there. Like if you could go inside and go, what story am I telling myself? What am I making this about?
Maren Oslac:And that's what the the older monk did, right? He didn't tell a story about it, he just carried her across the river, did his thing, and he let go of it. The younger monk told a story about it. You broke your vows, and she wasn't grateful, and there was this, and you know, like he was holding on to the story, and that's what we do to ourselves, and we don't realize it because you know that you use the words righteous justification. I've been using that. It's so interesting because that's been so up in my own life of like, where am I, where do I feel righteously justified to have my opinion? And oh my gosh, what an interesting story that is. And I realize how much anger it allows me to hold, and like that indignation. I'm so much better. Oh my gosh, it causes a lot of pain. And you know, when you say it makes things harder. I have a great example. I have been having yard work done, and the young man that's been helping me, he's a wonderful teenager, and he's a wonderful teenager, right? So you know, he gets distracted, and not all the stuff that I wanted to get done got done. I went out and worked with him for a few hours, and we literally did in three hours what had like he had been taking two weeks to do. Normal, everyday everything, right? So I was a little bit, you know, I was saying that, telling my husband, I was telling Jeff, and he looked at me, he goes, you know what, how how much did you pay this kid throughout the summer? I told him the amount. He said, if you had just called a landscaping company and said, hey, I would like this done. How much do you think it would have cost you? I was like, probably about the same amount. He goes, and then you would have had the whole summer do what you wanted to do. And I just looked at him and I was like, it was such a simple thing, and it just lightened my heart. And I thought, how interesting. Instead, I've been holding on to this, like, yeah, this righteousness of like, well, you know, how do I help him to work better? Meaning this kid, right? Not mine to do, he's not my child. An illustration of that whole, does it need to be that hard? Am I holding on to something that's not even mine to hold on to? Can I let it go? Is there another way? If I didn't have that preconceived idea in my head, if I had let go of it, I might have thought of that four months ago and had you know a whole different experience.
Stephanie Allen:But you know, here's the thing: you you did help a kid, or did you? I think there's that old saying, it's like, you know, everyone wants to change the world, no one wants to change themselves. And it's like, how might you have shown up to that young person differently? You know, there's... and and internally within yourself. And I'm constantly looking at that too, is like when something is hard and it's not working, you know, we it's so easy to say, well, it was them. It's them, it's all them. And it might be. I'm not saying it's not. But it's like, well, what might it be calling in me to change or do differently? You know, I can totally... and that's the harder path is to to look inside and go, okay, what if I thought differently? What if I asked a different question? You know, I think you and I talked about this the other day. It's like that young person had just said, hey, look, what do you see needs to be done? What are you looking here in my yard that I probably need to have done? And he may not have even said, nothing, it looks fine. And then that could be an opportunity to say, well, let me share with something. Here's where my end goal is. This is what I'm working towards. You know, and I think that's really helpful is to tell someone, hey, this is where I'm looking towards. Because sometimes people think, well, why are you doing it? Like we've lost our why. Why are you married? Why are you losing weight? Why, why do you want to get in good shape or have health? Or why do you want to have a, you know, a really a new business at your age, or you know, you've just had a career. Why do you want to start a new business now? I don't think we ask enough questions to say, well, why? And what does that mean to you? And what stories are you telling yourself about? Because it's those internal freaking stories that make it hard. I think that's, you know, when we say pick your hard. What are you telling yourself? Like, who would you be without that story? You know, Byron Katie does some great work. I really love her stuff called The Work. I think it's www.thework.com, check it out, because she really has a great way of looking internally to ask yourself, you know, is that true? Like what am I... what's really got me agitated? And is it true? And how do I know that it's true? And then to be able to actually work with it and actually turn it around. Meaning, you know, maybe it's a way that you're approaching it, or maybe it's actually you're creating the hardness. It's not hard at all. It's food for thought.
Maren Oslac:I completely agree with you, and I do love Byron Katie's work. And one of the things you mentioned is 'pick your hard. So I want to go deeper into pick your hard because you know, it's like somebody listening is like, what? Pick my hard? I'm gonna give an example. Like, say you have a conflict with a co-worker or a spouse or a child or whomever, right? And you get agitated with that person. They're not picking their clothes up, say, same at home or you know, at work, they're just like you've asked them three times for that proposal and they're just not getting it done. And you're walking around and you're kind of like the monk, the young monk, you're carrying that story of what it means that they're not getting whatever it is done. They're not picking their clothes up, they're not getting it. They disrespect me, it means they don't care about me, it means they don't give a shit about their job, it means that like all of the the...
Stephanie Allen:AND...right there... put a pause, get an image of that, all/ y'all out there listening to that, because you imagine all those little thought bubbles that are coming out of this person's head and their energy and their behavior and the way they're holding their posture. That's a lot of energy. A lot of energy.
Maren Oslac:So, meaning me, like I'm the one with all of those thought bubbles and blah blah blah, right? Now imagine how hard that is. I get to carry that around because that's how I experience my day. I'm complaining about that person all day long, I'm complaining about them inside myself, I'm complaining about them to other people, and it feels really hard and crunching, right? And then we're told, you know, that's a reflection of you. All you have to do is go inside and look at yourself, and it seems so simple, and we're like, frick, that's so hard.
Stephanie Allen:It is hard.
Maren Oslac:And so that's where you're right. It is hard. My question is, is it harder than carrying around all that crap all day long, complaining about people, staying up until two in the morning because all the mind chatter has you going, waking up tired because you couldn't get to sleep because the mind... like, is it...?
Stephanie Allen:...your digestion is completely dysfunctional? So now you're not able to digest those thoughts as well as digest your food. And so we hang out, we get weighted down by our job, by our relationships, and we think it's the job and the relationship or life when really it's the internal process that you're hanging on, it's actually like a burden.
Maren Oslac:So when Stephanie says 'Pick your Hard' that's what she means. At least my interpretation of what you mean by that is like it is challenging to go inside and peel the layers, to be honest with yourself and be like, oh, I'm complaining about that person because I see that side of myself and I don't like it.
Stephanie Allen:Yeah, it brings out the worst in me.
Maren Oslac:Right? So it's much easier to complain about that person than to actually look inside. And my question is, is it? Because what I found for myself is that when I do the work, when I go inside and I choose the hard of going inside, the hard quote unquote, for those who can't see me, quote - unquote hard of going inside, it's actually a lot easier, not only on me, but on my relationships, on the people around me, on my digestion, on like all the stuff.
Stephanie Allen:Yeah, you'll get life force back.
Maren Oslac:Oh my God...
Stephanie Allen:You'll get you'll get some insight and awareness. I think, you know, like like like you say, when we pick your hard, it is hard to go inside. To stop, feel the freaking feelings. To feel them is to heal them, and then not... you know, I've been using this a lot... is to observe them, not absorb them, but to give yourself some space and go, look at me go. There I am. I'm just a completely hot mess over whatever it is, or I'm like, you know, I'm upset, I'm sad, I'm angry, I'm afraid, whatever it might be. And you're like, wow, what am I believing? What am I believing right now? And what is that doing for me? And I'm not saying to ignore it. Hell no. In fact, actually, I'm saying the opposite. I'm actually going inside and working with yourself with love, compassion, and kindness, not with fierceness, not with harshness, but to actually just give yourself some space to look within and find that because it can be it's coming up because it wants healing, it wants transformation. And of course, we think intellectually, we go, well, I want transformation with him or with her or with the system or with this. And it's like, no, it's actually coming up so that you can transform it, so that you actually will live in a different world.
Maren Oslac:What you mean is you want, like when you say I want transformation with him, with her, with the system, whatever, you mean you want people to change, right?
Stephanie Allen:You got it.
Maren Oslac:I want the system to change.
Stephanie Allen:Â Control! I don't want to change. Why should I have to be the one that always changes? I'm always the one that changes. Blah blah blah blah. I mean, I can that's myself talking right here. My deeper, my deeper irritated self that says, why don't... why is it always me? And the answer what one of my teachers would always say is, well, why not you? Like, if you can, if you spot it, you got it. You know, that old saying you put one finger forward, there's three pointing back at you. You know, it's like the trigger. It's like you spot it, you got it. It's like, well, how do I work with it if I spot it? In a way that's loving and kind within myself. And so that I can... I can rise above it would be another way of transforming it. I can rise above it. It's still maybe there, but it no longer has me by the short hairs, it's no longer pulling me.
Maren Oslac:So the interesting thing is that when you say, you know, control, the control thing, the interesting thing is that we are so busy trying to control all the stuff out there. And we can't control any of that. The thing that we actually have power over is ourselves and what we like, we actually when we do this turning inward, doing the work within, suddenly we have control, right? That's where it lives, is in here. And like when you said why not me? Yeah, because me is where all of the change can happen, and it's amazing. And you know, for years I would hear people great beings talk about transformation. When you transform yourself, the world changes, and I really didn't understand that until it started happening to me and realizing that like literally when I change myself, the things outside all around me change, and ideas flow, and I have more energy and all of the stuff. And so I think that as we're looking at it, we're gonna hold and suspend judgment for just a moment. Like that's I think the first step when I look at this whole process of okay, if we were gonna break it down and be like, okay, here's your answer. Not that there's answers out there, and here's your process. The first step is stop. It's funny, Stephanie and I had done a workshop probably about four years ago now, and we were like, stop, drop in, stop, you know, the whole stop, drop, and roll thing, and then it became stop, drop, and whatever. It's like stop and drop in, just stop for a moment and ask what's the story? What's the story that's causing the angst, the anger, the shit?
Stephanie Allen:Yeah, and if you can look at it with love instead of black and white concrete thinking, like it's got to be right or wrong, or good or bad, or you know, I'm justified, or if you can let all that go and just observe it. Like I said, observe, don't absorb, but just observe it as if you're watching it on a movie screen or on a TV set. Like just observe without the neutrality. And that alone, right there, is a practice. It's like, okay, don't judge it. Just like, wow, that's interesting. Look at how the body is being held, look at how the breath is being held. You know, look at all those thought bubbles that are flying around there, or that person's not even listening to each other. It's like, well, what if this was an opportunity for growth and love and connection? Like, I think that's the other part of it, too, is like picking your hard is that it to come from love rather than I want to fight it or I want to run away.
Maren Oslac:Yeah.
Stephanie Allen:But to look at from like what would love do? How would a loving presence be present to myself first? Like, not and I'm not saying, you know, you gotta stay in a really dangerous situation. I'm not saying that, but it's like most of the times it's just irritating, it's not dangerous, it's just irritating. And when it's irritating to say, well, what would love do in this moment? You know, would it say anything? Would it just... and it's if it's not about me, maybe it is about this other person that's having a meltdown in front of me. It's like, what would love do? It's like I would listen, I would be kind to myself and to them, and I would tell myself I'm safe and go and rest within that safe spot within me, because there is a safe spot within all of us. If you can like relax the shoulders, what's my body doing right now? Like, take care of yourself in that moment without having to react or defend.
Maren Oslac:And I think the most interesting thing for me is that safe spot is... I'm gonna use the word never, maybe it's occasionally, and hardly ever, ever in our heads.
Stephanie Allen:Oh, most definitely.
Maren Oslac:It's in our hearts, and we're so defensive about our hearts that we close it up and we go up into our heads, and that actually causes a lot more problems because our hearts are where always where the solutions are, where the where love is is where the solution is. And so when we say stop and drop in, it's literally dropping out of the all of the mental gymnastics that are going on in our heads and dropping into our hearts and into our souls, into a deeper part of ourselves, out of almost always when you are dropped into your heart, that's the place of where you fall in love.
Stephanie Allen:And when you whether you're in love with a person, whether you're in love with a project, whether you're in love with something that is beautiful to you, you become very curious. You're like, wow, look at that. I wonder what that...? So to me, like what when I say what would love do? Well, it would be curious. It would say, wow, I wonder what got them so upset. I wonder what's going on in their life, or I wonder, oh, that's interesting, or even curious with myself. I wonder, I wonder if I could just stay relaxed and loving, how this might completely change. I mean, this is again another one of Byron Katie's. It says, you know, when someone's yelling at you or screaming or accusing you of all the stuff, you know, one of the base, the best comebacks I've ever heard is like you just say to them, you know, and you have to say it from curiosity and love... you know, you might be right. Like, I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way. And you might be right. I'll look at that. You're not defending it. You're not even telling them that they are 100% right, they might be right. That's not a hundred percent. If you have your willingness to stay curious to say, yeah, you know, I'm curious, I'll look at that, then they don't... you didn't throw them energy for them to throw back at you.
Maren Oslac:Yeah, it just diffuses it, right?
Stephanie Allen:You basically held on to your to your energy, you didn't throw it away. So now you have that energy to look inside yourself, to be curious instead of reactive.
Maren Oslac:I love that. And you know, when you're talking about the the love thing, I want you all in our audience, everyone think of a time when you were when you were in like the blush of love and how much energy you had, and how nothing bothered you, and how creative you were, and you know, like all the things that come from that, they all live inside of us. That didn't happen from something outside of us. So cultivating that place of love within ourselves cultivates all of those attributes. It's like this amazing wealth, you know, it's like we're looking out there for the fountain of youth. Guess what? You just found it. There it is, it lives within it within us, each one of us.
Stephanie Allen:So yeah, and so 'picking your hard'. I first of all I want to thank our listeners because this came from one of our listeners to say... can you talk about picking the hard, you know, finding your hard, you know? It's like pick your hard. And I just want to say thank you. And I totally invite and give you all permission to give us, you know, give us some ideas of some things that you would like us to talk about or unpack because we're doing this for you and with you. So, and and we go through this with you too. So if there's some things that you're just like, man, I really want to hear more about that, or how can I work through this, you know, drop us an email, or you know, get in touch with us. For sure. We'd love to, and we're so grateful that you're that you're listening and that you are offering us some great insights. Remember, so when it's hard, pick your hard. Coming back around to that, it's like when something hard is coming up, this is what I do for myself. I go, there must be something really great in my future. There's my curiosity. There must be something really great in my future that's coming. I wonder what this is helping me grow into. And that it's preparing me so that I can receive the incoming, the really great future that wants to happen.
Maren Oslac:I love that. So Stephanie mentioned that you can contact us. The way to do that is on our Facebook page or our LinkedIn page at The Soulful Leaders. You can also find us on YouTube at The Soulful Leaders, or you can always drop us a line at www.TheSoulfulLeaderPodcast.com or at www.TSLP.life (TSLP is the Soulful Leader Project.) We have started an entire project around this because it's so important to us. And we would love to have you be a part of our project, which is basically a project for life. So we'll look forward to hearing from you, and we'll see you all in two weeks on The Soulful Leader Podcast.
Stephanie Allen:And that wraps up another episode of the Soulful Leader Podcast with your hosts, Stephanie Allen and Maren Oslac.
Maren Oslac:Thank you for listening. If you'd like to dive deeper, head over to our website at www.TheSoulfulLeaderPodcast.com
Stephanie Allen:Until next time.