Your Need to Control Is Holding You Hostage

Control equals competence, right? That’s the common belief. In reality, control is tight shoulders, a busy mind, and a simmering irritation when other people don’t do it “the right way.” 

This week, Stephanie and Maren take a candid look at how the need to manage everything is actually a leadership trap. As always, they don’t leave you hanging - they tell engaging stories, bring wisdom with laughter and share a grounding, usable practice.  

In this episode they 

• pull apart everything from boundaries and emotional regulation to what it means to stay in your lane 
• tell the truth about how trying to fix others always backfires
• connect the dots between stress and the body, including tension and digestion issues, and why your nervous system cannot “digest” other’s problems
• flip the script on courage showing how it’s actually a result and dive into cultivating the skill of serenity (yep, it’s a skill) to protect your energy

Instead of struggling to control everything or waiting to feel brave, listen in and hear real stories about DIY gone wrong, procrastination, and the fear of being seen, plus a more compassionate way to meet those inner layers as they come up. 

If you want more peace, stronger self-leadership, and cleaner boundaries at work and at home, come listen, then subscribe, share the episode with a friend, and leave a review so more people can find this work.

TRANSCRIPT

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REFERENCES:

1:02 The Serenity Prayer - two versions

Original (short) version “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

ACA version (Adult Children of Alcoholics) “God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me.”

4:40 Byron Katie's "three businesses" teaching

13:20 Roger James Hamilton's courage/clarity-confidence-commitment 

22:35 Marianne Williamson quote “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.

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Transcript

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A Deeper Life Calls

Stephanie 0:03

In a world where we have everything and it's still not enough, we're often left wondering, is this really it?

Maren 0:10

Deep inside, you know there's more to life. You're ready to leave behind the old push your way through and claim the deeper, more meaningful life that's calling you.

Stephanie 0:19

That's what we invite you to explore with us. We're your hosts, Stephanie Allen

Maren 0:24

and Maren Oslac.

Maren and Stephanie 0:26

And this is The Soulful Leader Podcast.

Stephanie 0:30

Yay!

Control As A Leadership Trap

Stephanie 0:31

Many years ago, I realized that I wasn't such a good employee, that I really had an issue with how things should be done. Thought my way was the best way. So it encouraged me to become an entrepreneur. And whether that's good or bad or right or wrong, that's irrelevant. It's just now looking at my life and when I listen and work with clients, sometimes, you know, control really gets in the way. And I think of the serenity prayer from AA when it says, you know, God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. There's great guidance in that little serenity prayer. And there's another prayer that I'll add in there too, which really anchors for me because people are very important to me. And I know many of the people I deal with are also similar feeling that they get irritated by others. And the adult children prayer goes like this: God grant me the serenity to accept people I cannot change. The courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me. And that's really what Maren and I are are dedicated to is looking at how do we go in, with love and compassion and kindness, and work with the parts within ourselves so that we're not literally operating in a world in our world from a place of control and allowing a higher reason to be in leadership rather than just everyone's pissing me off, so I'm gonna do it my way.

Accept What You Cannot Change

Maren 2:22

I love the concept, and I wonder what's the benefit for somebody as they're listening. They're like, well, that sounds great, right? And it's a lot of work to have that wisdom to know the difference and to know that one is me and to do all of that. And I'm just gonna keep plugging along the way that I plug along. So what would the benefit be?

Stephanie 2:51

Well, let's back up a little bit. Let's even just take that prayer as a practice right here. You know, God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. I mean, how often do we get frigging wrapped around the axle about something that literally is none of our business? Or there's absolutely... it's out of our hands, and yet we are... it keeps us up at night.

Maren 3:13

I just did that. So here's an example, right? And we do it in work, we do it at home. And I just did that with my husband, right? I thought, well, why isn't he doing it my way? He ... I know better than he knows. Like I've studied this stuff, he doesn't know it. And then when I was able to let go and just be like, it's okay, let him live his life the way he lives his life. And do I really know better? And I guess that goes to the second serenity prayer of I can't change him. So all it does is it tweaks me. And that's true of like our bosses or maybe somebody who works for us, and we're like, we're mentoring somebody or we're coaching somebody. We can't change them. We can give information, we can share our thoughts, and we can't change them. We can only change ourselves.

Stephanie 4:12

Yeah, we can't fix another or force another to do something, the old saying, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink, you know, as much as you want to force the head into the water and drink. Damn it, you will drink.

Maren 4:23

I was gonna say stop calling my husband a horse.

Stephanie 4:27

It just doesn't work. Or if it does, they really hate you for it. So it's like exactly not really helpful.

Whose Business Is This

Stephanie 4:34

Um, so yeah, like how do we find the serenity of just accepting, of absolute acceptance that that is out of my hands? And I know Byron Katie has a wonderful way of looking at like the three businesses. Like there's your business, there's my business, and there's God's business. Meaning, for example, like what, the weather. Well, you know, you can't change that. You really cannot change the weather. That's God's business. That has nothing to do with me. Yeah, you know, what's going on with you in your life is your business. I can only hold space and just listen... unless you ask me for an opinion, unless you ask me that you really want help. And I have to even quantify that because sometimes people ask for help, but they really don't want it, they're just being polite. You know, like you they offer, you offer their help, and they're like, yeah, no, no, that's okay. I got my own way. And I'm like, well, why did you even ask me for it? Right? So I tend to look at those three things and I'll have that little internal dialogue with myself. I'm like, whose business is this? Is it mine? Is it God's? Is it theirs?

Maren 5:39

So one of the benefits would be serenity, right? Because then when we can't do that, when we don't do that, when we stick our nose in and we have opinions and we think we know the better way, and blah blah blah, all the itty bitty shitty committee. It doesn't affect the other person, it only affects us. We're the ones who get, like you said, I love that wrapped around the axle.

Stephanie 6:05

Yeah, we're all torqued, you know,

Maren 6:06

all torqued, and you see that all the time in people in their

When Stress Shows Up In The Body

Maren 6:11

bodies, right? And we're

Stephanie 6:12

oh my god, they're twisted, they're absolutely twisted, and they're like, you know, why does my neck hurt? Why do I have a pain in the back? I'm like, well, it probably isn't just a physical reason. You probably like internalized something and have been chewing on it, you can't digest it, and so your body is a side effect. This happens a lot, especially when people go to the doctor, and the doctor says, Well, I've done all the tests, and there's nothing, there's nothing wrong with you.

Maren 6:36

Well, and I also think about all of the digestion issues that are so prevalent right now. There's you know, SIBO, small intestine, bacterial overgrowth, something like that. And there's, I, I, they all have acronyms, and I don't know all the acronyms. I just know that there are a lot of people dealing with digestion issues. And when you just said that, it was like one of those like duh, like V-Eight things, like, oh, that's it. Yeah, we can't digest it, we can't digest our lives.

Stephanie 7:15

And you're like, What first of all, why would I eat steel wool? Second of all, it's really not really nutritious or nor should. I you're not a goat, you can't digest a tin can. Really, but yet we think we can digest it, we think we should chew on it, and it's like so. Who would you have to be to let that go? Yeah, you know, because it's not yours, so to have some serenity with that, in that it will. That is the benefit, it will give you the serenity.

Maren 7:43

It's like, okay, that's so I also hear the benefit of like our own bodies, yeah, giving space to your own body to do what it's -our bodies want to heal, they literally do, if we give it the space and the environment and and the things that it needs, right? So if we're constantly inundating it with foreign bodies like steel wool, other things that it's not ours to digest, it's not ours to do, it's not ours to take on. And yet we try to take it on, we think it's ours to do, we beat ourselves up over not being able to change somebody else and their, and what they're going through, and like all the stuff that we take on, no wonder our bodies are not healing.

Stephanie 8:30

Yeah, there's two things that I hear about, you know, people will say it's like not my circus, not my monkeys. Or what somebody else thinks of me is none of my business. Right. Which, well, they're true.

Maren 8:42

I actually love both of those. I've used both of those.

Stephanie 8:45

I've used both of those too. And if you're torqued about it, you're still wrapped around the axle of it, then there's some part of you that's still invested in it.

Maren 8:54

Yeah. Then it's just a saying.

Stephanie 8:57

It's just a saying, it's like you haven't integrated it into your life yet to go, yeah, actually, that is true. That's true. It isn't my business. And so it goes to the next thing, you know, God grant me the serenity to accept things I cannot change. The

Courage Comes From ...

Stephanie 9:11

courage, that's the key. There's your benefit. The courage to change the things I can. We often think we need courage in order to change something, but actually, it's in changing something that it gives us courage. It's backwards. I'll hear parents say, you know, well, my kids, they can't get a job or they they can't live on their own, they can't have a good life. And I'm like, well, keeping them at home and, it 's actually enabling them, like have them pay rent or do something. I said this to a really good friend the other day. I said, I, I understand that he's going through a hard time. This child, this young person, I said, but have you have you asked help around the house? Like get them to mow the lawn, get them to do the laundry, get them to whatever, cook supper once in, you know, once a week, or or do something, look after the dog. Or there are things that they can do to make them feel like they have confidence, that they have value, they have worth. Otherwise, just doing nothing is actually eroding one's courage and confidence. So I think of that aspect too of like, okay, if is there something that I know I can change? Well, I can't wait for the courage to show up for me to change it. I've got to start. And yes, you know what? I'm gonna make a mess because just like when we walked for the very first time, we're like, we're gonna fall over and it's gonna look bad and probably pretty funny. And we might we might bruise ourselves a little bit and whether it's bruising, bruising ourselves physically, but mostly probably our ego gets a little damaged. And that's okay. That's your learning. You tried, and keep doing it, keep working, ask for help, get guidance. This is what will build confidence and courage.

Self-Reflection Without Self-Attack

Maren 10:58

I think that one of the things I'm hearing is similar in that, similar to what we're talking about just a moment ago with the first tenant, in that both of them require self-reflection.

Stephanie 11:17

Absolutely.

Maren 11:18

If if I just start and go, right, which is unfortunately oftentimes how we're taught. Like set a goal, head down, butt up, go, go, go. If we don't have that piece of self-reflection in there to look and go, oh, you know, like like you said, like a little kid standing up for the first time to try and walk, and then they fall down and they get back up and try it again. And there is an intuitive, for that level of how we're evolving, there is an intuitive sense of that wasn't quite right. I need to try it differently the next time, right? Yeah, it's not a conscious thing, and then we get to a point in our lives where it needs to start to become a conscious action, that review process. Otherwise, we'll just

Stephanie 12:16

without the harshness of judgment, like that is saving curiosity and kindness with yourself. It's like, first of all, high-five yourself for at least trying something different and new, like fantastic. Doesn't matter if you fell flat on your face or your ego got burned or whatever. It's like you you you went for it and you probably learned something. And I know my little inner shadow would say, 'Yeah, I'm not doing that again'. Like that's where, and I say my inner shadow because it's like, yeah, but if I don't ever do it again, I'm not gonna get the courage or the confidence. So is there another way I could approach it? Think of acting. How many times they have missed-takes? Take one, take two, those are mistakes, and so they'll try all these different angles and approaches. And and what if we looked at life as a drama, as a play, and you're you're the actor in it, and you're trying on different roles or different outfits or different scenes with something that you want to develop courage or confidence with, and so it's not so harsh.

Commit First Then Confidence Builds

Maren 13:20

We have mentioned Roger James Hamilton on this channel a couple of times. So if you are a regular listener, you know that he was a coach of both mine and Stephanie's for a while. And he had this way of talking about courage, confidence, and commitment in flipping them. So oftentimes we assume that we need the courage in order to start something that will build the confidence and then we'll commit to it. So we hold back and we're just not sure. We're not gonna commit to it yet, and we want to keep ourselves safe, right? And he talked about it from, it's actually backwards. The way that we're designed is that we first have to commit. That's the first place, is to start with a commitment. And what you were talking about is that's a commitment to me. Like the say, for example, the kid is living at their parents' house, whether it's at the parent level or the kid level, like the parent saying, I'm gonna commit to allowing my child to, you know, be in a place where they're uncomfortable, or from a child level, I'm gonna commit to being uncomfortable, whatever. So there's the commitment level first. That actually builds confidence. And that's what you were saying before is that's what builds the confidence is from the commitment. Because when once we commit, then we do things and we build our confidence. And then finally, that means that we've built the courage.

Stephanie 15:00

And clarity

Maren 15:01

We keep waiting for courage and the clarity, and that is, and I think that's actually what he was talking about. I didn't remember that one. But yeah, is the clarity, then clarity shows up and having that reflection process that we were talking about, that self-reflection, going back and reviewing, did that work? Yes, thank you, more please. Did that not work? Oh, I need to tweak something, right?

Stephanie 15:25

I need to try

Maren 15:26

instead of shutting down,

Stephanie 15:28

yeah.

Maren 15:29

Yeah, so I always found that fascinating, and that tucked away in the back of my brain of, we look at that backwards, and it's really helpful to realize that don't wait for the courage, commit.

Stephanie 15:43

Right. And this leads right into the third part the wisdom to know the difference. Exactly what we're talking about. Like until you actually start to practice these, you know, taking taking the actions, listening, reflecting, then you'll start to discover that there's wisdom. That you start to develop. Okay, you start to learn what is yours and what isn't. And that's the clarity.

Maren 16:12

Yeah, we we have so much conditioning around who we're supposed to be and what we're supposed to do and all of this stuff. And we assume that we know who we are, and we don't have that clarity of who we actually are. So to commit to a process of I want to know, I want to know who I am and what it is that's mine to do. So that so that I can have that serenity and that peace and and come from a place of yeah, that's where meaning really truly comes from. We can we can make anything meaningful, and it's not about making it meaningful, it's actually about uncovering the meaning that we came to bring to this

What Is Truly Yours To Do

Maren 17:05

world.

Stephanie 17:05

Yeah, I hear what you're saying. It's almost like Russian dolls, like those little sets of Russian dolls.

Maren 17:10

Yeah, tell me about that.

Stephanie 17:12

So it's like uncovering, like taking off the big Russian doll to reveal another one and another one, another one. And so by the time you get to the internal part, that's the true meaning. But uncovering process, you know, a distilling process, so to speak, so that by the time you get to that internal one, you're like, oh yeah, I'm so clear. But there's an action of revealing oneself, of like peeling away the ego, peeling away the should-a, could-a, would-a, ought-tos. You know, we were having this conversation with someone the other day about, you know, it's so much easier just to do it myself. And if you want something done right, do it yourself. But there's a cost to that. There's a cost, there's a cost of like financially, of course, because I I know myself. It's like, yeah, I go to do something, and then of course I really mess it up. And now I, now I have to get somebody to come in and fix my mess up and also do the thing I want them to do. So now it's cost me a lot more emotional, mental, physical, and financial

Maren 18:16

time

Stephanie 18:17

oh, time. It's all there, it's actually cost me more. Unless it's mine to do. Like if there's something there that's mine to do, and I have the skills and I have the passion- that is there for to learn, that's a different story. Than you know, like if somebody came in and they said, you know, I need my tonsils out. Well, I'm not gonna get a scalpel out and try to do surgery. That's not mine to do.

Maren 18:42

You're clear about that.

Stephanie 18:44

Very clear about that, you know. But can I help? What is what is mine to do? Well, I could probably help some release some of the muscles tension around it, maybe the emotional and mental about going in and having surgery around it. I could do a lot. There are things that I can do that I'm trained to do, and that I would like to build more skill and passion because I have passion towards it, that would actually help that person. But being a surgeon is not one. That is not my I'm very clear about that. But I mean, that's that's kind of a a silly one. But I can tell you there's people out there that will, 'oh yeah, I can do that'. No, you can't. You know?

Maren 19:22

Well, even if they can. So when we were having a conversation the other day, one of the things that I realized for myself, and talking about the Russian dolls, t he layers of un-peeling the layers, I hadn't realized that I was doing that. Oh, I I could just do it myself type of thing, in order to avoid what I really want to be doing. I know that sounds backwards. Like, well, if you really want to be doing it, why are you avoiding it? That's a great question. And that's something that I have been looking at.

DIY As Procrastination And Fear

Maren 19:57

So, we opened our pool ourselves this year instead of hiring the pool company to do it. And that has just been kind of a nightmare. It's taken five times as long. And we put chemicals in we shouldn't have put in, well, we shouldn't , like, just all the stuff that we did wrong that you're talking about, right? Like, oh, we could do that. We could just do it ourselves. And that's

Stephanie 20:21

Why call for a professional to do it when I can do it myself?

Maren 20:24

Exactly. Well, so now I'm out there like vacuuming my own pool and stuff for our, for us, for the Soulful Leader project wasn't getting done. I was like, it's so interesting. And I noticed that I do that in quite a few places in my life. And I also noticed that I'm not the only one who does that, right? So being honest about it gave me some perspective, and it gave me like, oh, it also helped me to value the the pool people and what they do and what they bring to the table. And like, gosh, it, now the cost of that, the the financial cost of that didn't seem so high anymore. Because it's like, oh, I see my time is way more valuable than that, for doing what I am meant to be doing.

Stephanie 21:16

Yeah, because no one else can do what you were meant to be doing. That's the thing, it's about taking self-accountability and self-responsibility. Say, well, wait a minute, what is this taking me away from that only I or I am responsible for doing and it's creating procrastination? What's the cost of that, right?

Maren 21:33

I mean it also -. Right. And the thing is that the self-reflection piece, instead of beating myself it up and saying, Oh my, I shouldn't have done that, I got really curious about it, and it led me to a place of realizing that there is a piece of this that I am a little scared of being seen.

Self-Love Through Peeling Layers

Maren 22:00

Of like, if if the Soulful Leader project goes big and you know people start to really see us, what would that mean? And it's so much easier to stay small, keep it quiet, like, oh, we, you know, talk about our problems, or we haven't gotten the following we want yet, or we're not blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Instead of actually just going for it and making it huge. So I had an opportunity to look at those fears of, you know, we've talked about this in the past too, of you know, it's like our fear is not that we're not good enough, it's that we're that great. You know, the Marianne Williamson quote. And there's always going to be layers of things. So there was another layer of it that came up for me, and I got to look at it.

Stephanie 22:47

So true. Like there's so many things that nobody sees, including ourself that doesn't see inside, that it's like when something isn't, you know, materializing, when something isn't getting done, it's not always about the system or the outer world. Sometimes there's something, or it's a belief system, or there's you know, something that needs to develop skill within yourself that has to get honed in order for you to be ready to receive or ready to take action, or like you had said earlier, about the clarity and the courage and the confidence. Like there's a pathway of something, and everyone has a different pathway. There isn't just one size fits all. And the more we try to force it and fix it and you know, figure it out, the less it's gonna happen. It's not out there, it's in there. It's already inside of you. And I don't think as a society we've been encouraged to look inside. I think, like you said about Marianne Williamson, that whole, that whole quote around, you know, we're afraid of our light, not our darkness. We're we're actually quite familiar with our darkness and we're not afraid of it. In fact, we kind of encourage it sometimes.

Maren 23:58

It's more comfortable. We know it's, it's, you know, it's like it's the it's the comfort. What is that saying of like it's the it's the something that we know, it's the the devil that we know?

Stephanie 24:10

Yeah, the familiarity. Yeah, yeah, it's so true. Rather than stepping out into the unknown and discovering your gifts and strengths and your value and your worth, not from an arrogance or an entitlement place, but from an absolute place of service and leadership. And that's that's what it means. That's and it's an act of self-love, by the way, to look inside.

Maren 24:36

That's the thing that I did want to say is that I didn't look at it as though there's something wrong with me, which is something I would have done like every day of the week a few years ago. Like that's, the old Maren would have been like, 'Oh, I'm not good enough, I didn't do it, and blah', you know, like instead, I really looked at it from the place of I made a commitment to have this go big. And so everything- I did something right, that this information came into my awareness of, oh, I'm vacuuming the pool to procrastinate and stay small. That wasn't wrong. It was just that that's another layer of programming that's inside of me, that I have an opportunity. When I really go for it, all of those layers are gonna come up. So when they come up, they're not the the the the evil, the bad. They're actually- it's not that I did something wrong, I did something right. And it's my self-love that will say, Great, bring it on. Let's find the next layer because I want to do this. I'm really committed.

Stephanie 25:48

You're on to something. Keep going.

Maren 25:50

Yes.

Share Your Next Bold Move

Maren 25:53

So I'd love to hear from you all. What are you on to? What is your excitement that you're going for? And maybe what are some of the things that have come up between you and that thing that you're really wanting to make happen? So you can find us at tslp.life. And yes, I just played with that one. I found, I found the little, it just popped up on the screen for those of you that are listening. So you can also find us on YouTube at the Soulful Leader, on Facebook, and on LinkedIn at the Soulful Leader. And we would love to hear from you. So we'll see you all in a couple weeks and hopefully hear from you before then.

Where To Find Us

Stephanie 26:43

And that wraps up another episode of the Soulful Leader Podcast with your hosts, Stephanie Allen

Maren 26:49

and Maren Oslac. Thank you for listening. If you'd like to dive deeper, head over to our website at the Soulful Leader Podcast.com.

Stephanie 27:00

Until next time.